Husband like Jekyll & Hyde...please help

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2005
Husband like Jekyll & Hyde...please help
8
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 2:04pm

Hi everyone. I am new here and am having a hard time in my marriage. I have been married for almost a year and a half, and we have a 2 month old son. My husband is in the military, so we live far away from any family.
Anyways, since we have been married, 5 times so far he has blown up at me (for seemingly minor annoyances) and said he wanted a divorce, should have never married me, etc.

YESTERDAY was the worst of them all. We were driving along the highway, headed to the grocery store w/ our son in the backseat, and something was wrong w/ the car, so my husband pulled over to the side of the highway. I was kind of scared (and I do admit that I am a very anxious person, asking questions a lot, and sometimes they are unneccessary...I can be annoying at times, unknowingly at the time) and kept asking him "WHAT HAPPENED??? what's wrong???" and he BLEW UP! He said that i needed to "f'ing calm down!" and then he took the CD out of the CD player and threw it as hard as he could at my feet. THAT scared me, so i quieted down immediately. We continued our drive to the store, and my husband was still irritated and kept driving kind of erratically...not too bad, but kind of scary..he CAN be worse (he has bad road rage at times too!).. and i started crying (just upset that he was acting this way) and he looked at me and said "why are you crying??? i am NOT apoligizing this time...everytime i do, its to get you to shut up..and i don't really mean it.." and i said "you are being mean!!" and he mocked me and said "boo f'ing hoo"...at this point, i was really upset...and still crying, but trying to stop! we pulled up to the store and he stopped the car and he told me that i annoyed the #### out of him, always asked stupid questions, etc. I said "then why are you married to me?!?!" and he told me "I am going to FINALLY tell you the truth... i married you because i didn't want to come up here (to the military base across the country from anyone he knew) alone." he looked at me with the straightest face possible..and i was crushed. i was so upset..and he showed absolutely NO emotion. just looked at me dead on. he said that we are two different people, and i was NOT the kind of person he wanted to be with...that we have been together too long...shouldnt have gotten married or had a baby together...said i have NO common sense...am very smart otherwise, but lack common sense. he said that we are opposites..he is laid back and i am high strung..and said that he didn't want to do this, but, he wanted a divorce. he said that he will miss his baby boy (does really love him) but that we should move back home and that i could have the car. said he will move back home after he gets out of military so he could be near baby. he said i "stressed him out" and that if we divorced, the stress would "lift away" ...he basically just acted like i was NOTHING to him.
this whole time, i was crying and he thought it was stupid..he said "why are you crying?? why do you care?? why do you love me?" cause i kept saying that i loved him and that i didnt want a divorce, and that i didnt think he meant it..he said he wouldnt say it if he didnt mean it.
let me remind you all, that he had done this 4 previous times before in our marriage...but this time was the worst..saying that for sure he wanted a divorce. i reacted the same way each time..crying, promising to change, etc. and each time after, he would apoligize eventually and say he didnt mean it, and things would go back to normal again. sure enough, this is what happened again!
when we got home, he went straight into the other room and played on the computer for about 10 mins. THEN, he came into the living room where i was laying down on the couch, still crying a little bit, and he asked me what was wrong..then he held out his arms to me and pulled me in for a hug. i was flabbergasted at this point. he said that he was "just joking" and didnt mean any of it..was just upset and needed to cool down..and that he just said all that stuff to upset me/anger me because he was upset w/ me. he acted like everything should go back to normal. i was relieved that he didnt want a divorce, really, but was still very upset..and even more upset that he could just act like everything was back to normal again!! i kept pulling away from him and was still upset while he was trying to talk to me, and then he put his hands on my neck and pressed kind of hard...not hard enough to cut off my air supply or anything, but hard enough to scare me..and he did this for maybe 5-10 secs, then released me. while he was doing this, he had a terrible mean look on his face....after he released me, he admitted to me that he thought he had a problem and needed help and that I should help him..he said he would rather not "see someone" about it, if possible, but i told him he should. he has been doing this "grabbing my neck" thing since the baby has been born..and does it sometimes "just in play" ..when we are just playing around w/ eachother..but other times he does it when hes angry, and it scares me.. he acts like he is very scared after he does it too.
MY question is...WHAT should i do? i love this man and want to be w/ him forever!! we have a newborn son together!!
WHY DO YOU THINK he is behaving this way?? saying these things to me?? do you think he REALLY wants a divorce, or what???
i need help!!!! thank you in advance to anyone willing to respond!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 6:05pm

Welcome to the board....


From what you described, he sounds very controlling and emotionally abusive.

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 8:14pm

Welcome, Mommy.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 11:21pm

I had similar experiences with the x making gestures jokingly about hurting me or someone else, as well as when he was angry. What a psychologist told me made a lot of sense and looking back, I think she knew what she was talking about. It is a control thing. He may not be 100% intent on hurting you in most cases (though even joking is bad enough), but if he gets angry, those little fantasies may become reality for a split moment. Sure, he may regret it afterwards, but you may wind up in a hospital or worse because it is too late. It sounds a bit harsh but really it is like playing roulet with a pistol to your head. It may not happen today, maybe not tomorrow, but one of these times it could become very very dangerous.

I experienced one of the x's particularly bad moments like that. I was whimpering sorry when he came after me, which goes to show that there was no soft side to appeal to at that moment. He was beyond angry and he wanted to act on it somehow. And he did. The look in his face was indescribable. Maybe like a demon? There was no humanity there at all. And I knew he was going to do something before he even did it, just by looking at his face. There was nothing I could do to stop it except for run. I ended up with broken ribs, huge bruises, and a broken table when he was done. Not to mention what it did to me emotionally. Just before the whole divorce thing came down, the tension was rising to that level again. It was like a volcano becoming more and more active, and just a matter of time. Oh, please, don't wait until it gets serious. In my case the x also admitted time and again he had a problem but didn't want to see anyone for it. They never will see anyone. Not even a divorce will make them see the reality of what they do.

You asked if he really meant he wanted a divorce. In this case I have to say it just doesn't matter because my opinion is that you need to get away from this guy before he actually does hurt you or your child. And even that will be dangerous so must be done with care. But I really think it sounds like a matter of time before he loses control completely. And even then, I wonder really if they really 'lose' control or if they are in complete control, which is even worse. It almost seems like an addiction for them to go a bit further than the last time and see what happens. Please do take care of yourself and child and be careful. Hugs to you both.

Avatar for butterflyqueen7
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 1:42am

Mommy, I just had to post to you because it is so my story, too. My now ex husband was also in the military, also wanted me to move with him and get married so that he would have someone with him and would get paid more. And, like you, after we had our son he started getting really weird. He had some moments before...just after we were married he threatened to divorce me, and he would occasionally scream at me for just stupid things. He called me names and tried to isolate me from my family by saying he didn't want them to come visit and he didn't want to drive all the way home so we could see them. He would even be angry with me if I was talking to them on the phone more than he thought I should.

But then after the baby came, it just got worse and worse. Pretty soon I started worrying he would hurt my son when he got angry or frustrated, because even tho he didn't hit me, he would scream at me and scare me to get me to "shut up" or whatever...and I was afraid since that wouldn't work with our son, he would try other tactics to get him to be quiet. So I was constantly on edge. Once he took him out of my arms and told me that he was going to shove a sock in him so he would shut up. After that I never trusted him alone with DS.

It was like the baby made it worse because all the attention was off of Ex. He wanted me to baby HIM and still take care of him, and he never lifted a finger to help me around the house or with our son. Pretty soon he was done with the Army and we moved closer to home, but the abuse continued. By then it was a pattern. He couldn't find a job and started drinking all the time, and that's when the physical abuse started in. He acted like he was going to choke me and would threaten to do it. Once he took a gun to me and made me beg for my life. A couple of times he shoved me around, once he threw me on the bed. And one time when he was threatening to strangle me, our then 16 month old son got between us, crying, and tried to push him away from me. That hurt so bad. And still I stayed, because I was ashamed, because I had a child with him, because we were married and he promised he would get help.

And then one year ago at a Halloween party, he got drunk and took my son out of his car seat and ran into a field with him. When I finally got DS back, ex fought with me to drive the car. I refused and he said he was going to break my neck. I went to his parents' for help because they were just a mile away. But they stood there while he yanked my son out of my arms and twisted his arm and screamed at me. I hit him upside the head so he would let got of my son, but he punched me in the face and broke three bones. I called 911, but then he tried to strangle me as I escaped. We managed to get free and out in the car, but I thought I was going to have to run him over when he jumped in front of the car. I would have, too, at that point. The police came and arrested him, which he resisted, and then he tried to run from them. He ended up somehow getting off on all the charges because of his expensive attorney.

But I left that night, called my family, and then a friend to help me pack while I waited for my family. They came early the next morning and moved everything that was mine before he got out of jail. And I've never looked back.

Sweetie, we can't tell you what to do or what is going to happen. But listen to our stories. We speak the truth and words of experience. Many abusers make their victims feel like they can't "do better" than them, and that just isn't true. That's just so you won't leave. You need all the help you can get with having a new baby; you don't need to be screamed at and threatened. Keep us posted.

Big Hugs,
B

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 9:37am

I'm glad you copied your message here. Please read thru the board website. All of us here are supportive and non judgemental. Education at this point will be the most helpful to you so you can make informed decisions.

Please don't think you're less of a person or don't deserve to ask questions. You're second guessing yourself in your email and you don't need to.

Hugs and Prayers,
Jennifer

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 9:50am

He treats you the way he does because he's abusive, and his mood changes are a way to keep you off balance and in his control. His behavior is not your fault.

You've only been married a year-and-a-half, and it's already very, very bad. These things usually escalate. The next time he squeezes your throat, it could be much, much worse.

Think of your child. Do you really want your child growing up in that kind of home? Doesn't your child deserve a healthy & happy mother?

This man sounds extremely dangerous. Be very careful. Clear your history & cookies from the computer so he won't know what sites you been to. If you get any books about abuse, keep them out of sight. Lundy Bancroft's book is excellent, and Patricia Evans has several that are good, too.

I loved a scary & dangerous man, too, and I did all I could to help him, but nothing worked. I had to get out to save my life. It wasn't easy, but at least I'm still alive.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2005
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 10:42pm
Each time it happens you will want to believe it will be the last, because we were somehow taught to believe that treating someone you love this way isn't right. I am so sorry he is treating and talking to you this way. That is NOT normal, NOT okay, and you do NOT deserve it. I know it is hard when you have a child together, it is even hard when you don't, BUT, I'm quite confident you are a very strong and intelligent woman, in addition you know it's not right or you wouldn't be here. We are here for you, and we will wait, however long it takes for you to know that there is a better life. I too am here listening, waiting, building the courage. It takes time, I myself am taking my own sweet time. He's playing mind games with you. I had to learn that I just couldn't believe that he loved me anymore, if he did, he wouldn't ever be able to say those things, you just don't talk to someone you love that way. After you realize that, it still takes time to leave. That is okay. Make a plan, do what you need to do, but, first of all, believe in yourself...... We will help as much as we can;)
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2005
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 5:21pm
Hi everyone. Thank you all so much for your responses. I'm sorry it took me so long to respond myself, but our internet was down for a few days.
I know a great deal of you encouraged me to "leave him", but I do not have a job or money. I could go home to live with my parents, but I don't have a job to support the baby & I. My parents do not have enough money to help us out. I doubt if my husband would really give me the car anyway. And without a car, how would I find work back home? I have no skills or degrees either.
As for an update otherwise, my husband has been great lately. I mean, no more abuse or angry outbursts or anything since then. He is not controlling or anything, just has a bad temper. I really love him & he is very good to our son. IF he does anything more abusive, I will try to leave him for sure...I take what you all said to heart...I do NOT want to expose my son to this kind of behavior AT ALL! I am just concerned with the lack of money and the life I would have if I did leave.
I wonder if he really even meant it when he said all that...the stuff about the divorce, etc...or he was just trying to get a reaction out of me...What do you all think??
And if I did decide to leave him, would anyone want to date/be with long-term a mother with a child?? I know some people who might, but most of the guys I know would RUN the other way when it came to a MOTHER....
Thank you all for your help, advice and support. I KNOW how dangerous he was acting, and know it was a form of abuse....but he RARELY acts this way, and I don't know what to think. He agreed to go to counseling, by the way. I am making an appt for him today. He knows he has an anger problem, but IS hesitant/scared to get professional help for it. But agreed to it. Thank God.