Husband trying new tactic ..need opinion

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2004
Husband trying new tactic ..need opinion
15
Fri, 05-20-2005 - 2:39pm

For a while now my husband has been acting like he is going insane. He tells me he is all the time. (Of course, it is me driving him there). I guess I wasn’t responsive enough to his suicide threats so he felt he had to try something new. In the middle of the night he screams, wimpers, rocks back and forth, pounds on his head and goes out of the house with nothing on but an undershirt – not even shoes – in the frigid night air. He tells me he needs comfort but I am not allowed to touch him. Finally after a few hours of this, he calms down and then allows me to go back to sleep. Does this one sound familiar to anyone?

Here is what happened this past week:
We had to do some traveling to get our three kids from college. He was agitated all day the first day we were to leave probably because of all the driving he was going to have to do. To collect our kids and attend graduation ceremonies we had to travel to upstate NY, then to Pittsburgh and then to Baltimore. He was very abusive all day. Then I made the unforgiveable mistake of offering to take my housebound mother shopping for groceries because we were not going to be home for several days and I was worried she would not have what she needed. I also felt guilty because she asked me to take her before I left and because she is always saying that I don’t care about her or my father since I never call or check on them. What she doesn’t understand is that my life is not my own and I can only see her when my husband gives his permission. Well he didn’t give his permission for me to take her shopping before we left on our trip and I did it without telling him, hoping I would get back before he was ready to leave but when I got home he was out in the yard with a funny smile on his face which I knew all too well meant that I was in trouble. He abused me from the moment we got in the car. Ranting and threatening. Then as my luck would have it there was an accident and the thruway was backed up for an hour. This really set him off because if I hadn’t taken my mother to the store we would have left sooner and not gotten stuck in traffic. He screamed and called me names all the while, threatening to leave me there and then threatening to drop me off at the next exit. He also screamed for me to pick a tree so he could ram it with the car. It was a nightmare. Then when we got to our destination I was reading directions to the hotel that I got from the internet. The directions said to turn right but I saw the hotel on the left. I tried to tell him but I wasn’t fast enough or articulate enough for him and he got crazy and grabbed the hair on top of my head and yanked it so hard so many times that I thought my neck was going to snap. Once we got to the hotel he calmed down a little and wanted to go to dinner. At dinner I was pretty quiet, mostly because I was so sick and exhausted by his behavior, especially the hair pulling. Then he was angry asking why I didn’t talk to him at dinner. The next day he was okay because we spent it with my daughter. Then he went on to Pittsburgh and I stayed behind with my daughter. The next day my daughter and I drove to Pittsburgh to join my other daughter and him. He was acting very nice and happy showing me the beautiful hotel my daughter arranged for us to stay at. Then both my daughters were going to leave to go to the dorm. I asked if he could drive them since they were both tired. He indicated that was a stupid idea because it would mean extra driving for him the next day. I was not trying to make his life difficult, just worried about my daughter driving across town when I knew she was tired. My daughter attacked him and said for him not to harrass me about the suggestion. That was all he needed to hear to set him off. In his mind he was being accused of being the bad guy and I was coming across as the good one. As soon as both my girls were out of the room he attacked me..asking me questions that I didn’t have the ‘right’ answers for, accusing me of lying and abusing my daughter for my own gain... throwing things at me and finally jumping on the bed and grabbing me and shaking me repeatedly and acting crazy and I don’t even remember what he did but I was scared he was going to kill me and all I wanted to do was get away from him. Finally he ran out of the room and I followed him, bruised and terrified. He ran to the bridge outside of the hotel (this was around 1:00 a.m.) and screamed that he was going to jump off. He threw down his wallet, took off his glasses and shoes and shirt and started to climb over the rail. (All stuff he has done before). My heart was still pounding from his attack on me. It was the worst he has ever been. I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. I’ve been really worrying about that lately because I was told by a cardiologist that I probably have a blockage. Then he stopped and ran away from me. Finally he calmed down and I collected his things and talked him into going back into the hotel. I would not go up to the room - I was obviously scared to be alone with him. We sat in the lobby for a few minutes and then he went to the elevator. I hung back, still too scared of him. First he made threatening gestures and faces and then when he saw how scared I was he said he took a pill that the doctor gave him to calm down and it was taking effect. Then he was okay until the next morning when he was showing me some sites, and then he ‘suddenly’ started asking me where his pills and his asthma medicine were. I said I didn’t know and he exploded again saying I left them on the bridge. I told him I didn’t see him put them on the bridge. He went crazy all over again and pounded on the car, until finally the door was stuck from his pounding which made him even angrier. He went back to the bridge but his pills and inhaler were not there. I still do not know if he left them there or if he was making it up to have another thing to go into a rage about, but I know I didn’t see him put them down on the bridge because I would not have left them there. Then we went to get our 2 girls and he was calmer because he was in public and does not dare act crazy in front of people he knows. When my daughter was alone with me she asked me if he freaked out after they left from what she said to him, but I couldn’t tell her. I am trying to protect my kids from knowing just how bad he is. As I said in my original post, they do not know the half of what he is doing to me and I don’t want to mess their lives up any more by telling them just how bad things have gotten. But I am so terrified of him now. This was one of the worst episodes to date and I know he will get even worse. I can’t tell if these are all just batterers tactics for control or if he really is going off the deep end like he often tells me he is. If so, then I am afraid he will kill me one of these days. What do you think? Just tactics or does he really sound crazy?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
Fri, 05-20-2005 - 3:00pm
Just a random thought, but if he ever kills you, he has built a great mental illness defense for himself. Others can testify that he runs around in the middle of the night naked or almost naked and that he stands on bridges, throws away valuables, and threatens suicide. The more he continues to do this, the more witnesses to these actions, the stronger a case his lawyer will be able to build using mental illness as a defense should he ever kill you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Fri, 05-20-2005 - 3:01pm

Hon, what it sounds like is you are in an increasingly dangerous situation and I hate to say it, but YOUR DAUGHTERS KNOW.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2004
Fri, 05-20-2005 - 3:40pm
Yes, I have thought of that. He is a lawyer after all and knows what he is doing. He has been careful not to let anyone see him who might call the police on him even though he can talk his way out of it if they come and ask questions. Have you read about the Lori Hacking case? That guy sounds like my husband. And it scares me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
Fri, 05-20-2005 - 3:47pm

Mine was doing things very similar to yours, before I left in December. I left after he went on a month long trip, because like blue said, I was beginning to think he could kill me 'accidentally' in one of his fits. I don't regret it one bit. And after all the even visual threats of suicide, he is still here to this day.

Please take care of yourself. Don't give him one speck of worry, just think about your own safety. My prayers are with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2004
Fri, 05-20-2005 - 4:08pm

Yes, I have been wishing I could call 911. What stops me is the unknown afterwards. So he will spend a night in jail. Then what? They will release him to come home to me? I would be terrified and so would my daughter. I would have betrayed him and ruined him - I am sure that is how he would think of it. He is a family court attorney who knows the judges, attorneys and some of the police in our town very well and has a great reputation with them all. How will he react when he comes home. What will happen to my kids after that and my home. He has already ruined our credit so I would have no place to live. The only possibility for me would be a shelter and the only thing stopping me from that is what effect it will have on my children who will have no home, especially my 14 year old who still loves his father very much and worries about him constantly.

My 16 year old daughter, who is terrifed he will kill me (all 3 of my daughters are worried about that) called 911 the other day. We were only having an argument (by argument I mean him screaming at me and accusing me of stuff and me trying to appease him)so it was not a big thing that the cops would respond to - my husband talked to them and made them feel that basically it was my daughter who was messed up. The cops implied that I might have to admit my daughter to the mental ward of the hospital which would be a terrible experience. But after they left, he got me alone and went berserk. He did not touch me but he drank all the alcohol in the house, then said she ruined him and that the cops being mandated reporters would file with CPS and they would investigate and the result would be his reputation and livelyhood would be ruined and our kids would not get to finish college and on and on with his threats of what would happen to our family.

How can I protect my kids from any more harm?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Fri, 05-20-2005 - 4:43pm

As much as I hate to say it, by getting out of there.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 05-20-2005 - 4:45pm

How can I protect my kids from any more harm? ---

you divorce him. PERIOD.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Fri, 05-20-2005 - 4:52pm
I highly suggest you hop on over to the board website that I created here recently, there are links on that page regarding abusive spouses in the law enforcement field and a link regarding the legalities in the state in which you live.
5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2004
Fri, 05-20-2005 - 4:58pm
Thanks blueliner..I guess I haven't made myself too clear. I don't care about his reputation...I understand that he made the choice to be abusive and to hurt me and do damage to my kids emotionally. He has even said that I can pick and choose from all the divorce grounds that he has provided and he has none on me. What I am worried about is how my ruining his reputation will affect my kids' future and also me when he finds out. I need protection from him that is foolproof. How can that happen when my kids are involved?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 05-20-2005 - 5:15pm

"I don't care about his reputation...I understand that he made the choice to be abusive and to hurt me and do damage to my kids emotionally"

-- ok, so on one hand you are well aware your children are being destroyed by this man and so are you...and that he chose to do it.

"What I am worried about is how my ruining his reputation will affect my kids' future and also me when he finds out."

-- ok, so on this hand what you're worried about it his poor reputation... you know, hon, most people he works with probably already know what he's like and they feel sorry for you for ever being married to him.

you're talking out of both sides of your mouth. i don't know why you're sacrificing your children for his reputation...

you don't need anything foolproof. you just need to decide to keep suffering and destroying your children OR get out and gain the respect of the entire community.

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