I am also writing as I have nowhere to turn to for advice..

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
I am also writing as I have nowhere to turn to for advice..
9
Fri, 12-23-2011 - 6:52pm

I feel i am again stuck in trapped mode. I was supposed to serve him this week. DD has again been on edge, he has refused to take her for counseling. He doesnt think anything is wrong. I kinda know I need to get legal involved to get anything but everytime DD screams and cries, I get to freeze mode to the point that I am afraid to start anything. I feel depressed, trapped, frozen..At the same time, I can hear you'all's voices saying I am the adult, I am the parent, I need to do what is right. How do I find this strength again. Feeling defeated, trapped, afraid, frozen...I dont even know what I am anymore..MAybe I AM the one with the problem, underlying I am scared of unknowns..but then I think objectively, if not for DD, I am 99.5% certain I will be all over him with legal. How do I get out of this mode.

Avatar for tobermory
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2001

Would it help you to consider that perhaps filing is the BEST way to help your daughter -- because you can get the court, perhaps, to mandate counseling for your daughter since her behavior is erratic over the family issues? And if it is mandated, he can't say she doesn't need it and she can't get out of it.

Just a thought,

Tobermory

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008

Hi Winter;

Man do I know that feeling of feeling frozen.. I had it when I was living with my ex and we were in the process of getting a divorce.

what made it easier for me was that my ex sued me for divorce for leaving him for almost two years.. He was abusive and I left him and he sues me.. (nice guy)

I dont know where I got the strength to fight my ex in a divorce.. It must have come from above because I laid around depressed , frozen and wanting to die.. I just kept fighting him but I did it in a quiet way by just going along with the program.. He did this so I did that..I kept just moving forward an inch at a time . One foot of mine went in front of the other each day ..

I also had a ton of support from family, friends, therapist, these boards and books I read about narcisstic men.. and I then used all of these tools to fight him. I guess It could have gone a bad way but the knowledge and the strength that I had made me believe that I would survive..

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

Life is hard no matter what.

sweets35
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

Winter, I was thinking about your dilemma and maybe you're like me in the aspect of overthinking things.

I overthink and obsess and make myself

sweets35
Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006

Sweets, yes I do think we are alike in some ways. I don't know what it is..maybe lack of strength or dependency..For you, having 4 kids is definitely hard with a full time job. And 2 of those are toddlers or close to that age.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2000

I also detect anxiety in what you are posting...check with your counselor about that being a posibility and what he/she can do to help you with gaining control over the anxiety. I think once you gain control over the anxiety issues it will be far easier to address the bullying stuff.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

Hi Winter, I think it is a very real concern your daughter might try to hurt herself.

sweets35
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

By the way I do think your daughter is bullying you.

sweets35
Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003

I have been thinking about your post and I really don't have any other advice to offer then what I already had. I am a firm believer that if someone really wants to harm themselves they do it and don't tell anyone. Those who say they are going to do it for attention or a cry of help because something is wrong. We know what is wrong with your dd and that is her world could change and she is scared of that so she controls you by saying she will hurt herself. What I don't know is your dd and I don't know how far she will go to get her way. She could try and hurt herself but I still think you should call her bluff. If she does do something then you can get her into help without her consent. But I can't say for sure that is what I would do your shoes because it is a scary thought. But if you look up emotional abuse what she is doing falls under it. You have the choice of letting her keep doing this and possibly doing it to someone who will call her bluff but not be there if she follows though and her bluff goes to far or you call her bluff and be ready to call the second she attempts it. Or you do nothing and hope she out grows it.

As far as getting your strength back that is going to be tough because it is a lot harder to stand up to your child then an adult. I have been there and done it and it sucks. y wasn't threatening to hurt himself but came after me a few times. But remember what I learned you are doing her no favors by doing things the way you are. I am grateful that things turned around in my house. We have moments were I think DS is going to freak out but he has kept it together. I hope you find what works for you and DD to be able to be happy and healthy. Hugs


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