Like I am being suffocated by bubbles

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Like I am being suffocated by bubbles
16
Sun, 01-28-2007 - 5:05pm

I had a few days last week where I did not see him or hear from him. And then Saturday - basketball games all day with the kids. He actually asked me out on a date...I couldn't even respond. He used that day to inch in...and then said things that reinforced my decision. He tried several manipulation tactics throughout the day - and then it hit me...Being around him is like being in a bathtub full of bubbles. At first fun...then later - you get one near your chin - and you go to whipe them off - only to push them into your nose, and you can't get them out because everytime you whipe your nose away - your hand is covered with more bubbles and you feel as if you are going to suffocate.

I have to seek an attorney this week. At first - I thought I could slow down..take it easy. But he is not getting in - and I can't breathe. When do I breathe again?

As much as I am scared of my future - I know I don't want one with him. I then begin to overthink - and as a friend told me - do not worry about the details. You can not predict the future and keep planning moves ahead of moves (like I used to do when I would try to circumvent a fight). She said you do what you know in your heart now. And what I know is I want to breathe again. I want to look forward to my future. I want the bubbles gone.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2007
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 7:55am
I know just how you feel. I don't have any advice because you're one step ahead of me, I just wanted to offer my thoughts and prayers. Good luck. Denise
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2007
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 6:00pm

Hmm... so he asked you out on a date eh? I really think that he is trying to worm his way back in. He is trying to show you that he *can* be nice when he wants to. But it won't last long... because abusers never stay nice forever. I love your explanation of the bubbles!! I never thought of it like that before. If you really don't want him in your future, just put your mind to it and go for it. If you want something bad enough, and keep trying... it will happen. Good Luck to you :o)


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 6:24pm

I couldn't even get the air in my lungs to tell him no. I can't stand his "effort." It makes me so angry. Where was the effort in the last 13 years? There wasn't...oh wait - just enough to get by. When I "threatened" and then gave him another chance.

It is my turn to say this relationship is over.

I will be taking time off next week to meet with attorney. I want to do that before I sit down with him. Isn't that sad - that even though I am not affected by his tears - I don't want to hurt him? I can't even imagine how crazy that sounds. I have told him and then pulled back my divorce line...he keeps clinging on.

I have another counseling appointent on Friday and I need to make an al-anon meeting. I work nights and so it is hard to get up and around for the day.

Thanks for your words.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2007
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 6:47pm
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 9:55pm

Oh, my.

I had never thought about the bubble analogy! You're so right. For me, bubbles are far too nice.

Having seven cats, after reading your post I thought about having wet fingers and not being able to get the cat fur off of them, my face, my nose, my eyes, blah blah blah.

You can't even say no right now probably because you're not used to it. Plus, we're so conditioned to be nice. Right thing isn't the easy thing and this time the right thing is for your life and sanity.

IMHO? Run with the digust and anger. Not only is it deserved, it's also healthy at this point! :)

Take care, be disgusted, make your plans. Boy, are you worth it!

C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 12:48am

Cement or blacktop bubbles? I hear you about basketball! How many kids do you have that play, or was there a tournament? I love B-Ball and DD is very good! But H ruined travel by being at every game, now w/ a R/O, I enjoy them (modified).

These guys have a way of knowing when we're getting ready to move on. Did H previously attend B-Ball? Curious cause my H gave up hunting to be stuck up my butt the whole travel season! I know it's hard to say "no", gave in on a few of those dates myself.

You'll breathe again, somedays more than others, but they all get better! You'll focus more on you, and less on him, more on the kids. The more you're able to see his manipulation, the easier it will be to detach from him, and start looking forward. Trying to avoid the fight...Eventually we realize there's no avoiding it, and put our energy into ourselves and the kids.

If I'm wrong, I apologize, but I don't recall that you've ever spoken w/ a DV advocate? This would be a great time to do that, somtimes they can help you choose an attorney, and have a lot of resources free of charge.

best of luck!

Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 3:45pm

"You can't even say no right now probably because you're not used to it. Plus, we're so conditioned to be nice. Right thing isn't the easy thing and this time the right thing is for your life and sanity."

That is soooo true. I didn't even think about that. I am not used to saying no.

No - I have not spoken to a DV advocate. I had made an appointment, and then didn't attend because I went through my insurance. Also - with what I do for a living - I would have run into someone from my work in the building that I would have to go to.

My counselor said that I should just call and maybe set up something else.

You have reminded me to do that. Also - I am racking my brains to find an inexpensive yet speedy and effective divorce attorney.

I need to move on - and I am helping by getting those steps done I can quicker.

Oh - I have two children - both are doing B Ball right now. I will have to decide what I will do in the future when it comes to attending the games, because he "moves in on me" as if we are still together and it crushes me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 5:21pm

They do have a radar about us leaving. That's why even the THOUGHT of it can make the time just before the most dangerous. It's usually when control escalates. Silent treatment becomes verbal, verbal becomes physical intimidation and threats, physical intimidation and threats become physical.

The games: Take 2 or 4 friends and have them sit on either side of you. If there are other parents you trust and aren't afraid, ask them to surround you. If you're really feeling frisky, let the school security know you have an RO out on the guy (note to SElf: put copy in pocket and in school office, anyway) and you're trying to do YOUR part to help him respect it. So he doesn't end up in the slammer. However, you'd like them to keep an eye out on you...

Just some ideas. They just LOVE pushing the envelope to show you then can and that you can't stop them. It just gives them that TINY power trip to remind them that they're "something." That even the law can't keep 'em down.

Try not to let him drive you away from the games, but you're right, you've got to figure something out. Don't forget to let your lawyer know he's violating it even in public at the games. Perhaps your lawyer will have some thoughts?

I wish I could just walk up to him, poke him in the stomach and demand, "Just what do you think you're doing?" It's amazing how many men back down before a short, determined little woman. At 5' 2'' tall, in college, I was a bouncer occasionally. After all. Men never hit women -- unless they're married to 'em.

So it goes...

C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Wed, 01-31-2007 - 6:20pm

I have never been struck by him - just grabbed and that was a long time ago. He has come at me like he was going to hit me, called me names and gotten in my face and behaved in a way that I thought he was going to strike me to which I told him, "Just go ahead and do it already."

He then would say he was never intending on hitting me. With what I do for a living, I know better - I have seen lots of people getting ready to stike someone. That is the only way to prepare to defend yourself.

I will think about the friends at the games...or even negotiate with him who attends which ones and alternate so I don't have to see him.

I made my DV appointment. It is so far away though - Feb 13. I do have a counseling appointment coming up and al-anon meetings, this site - my reading....

I took off work for the next five nights to get some financial stuff sorted out and get an appointment with an attorney.

Oh - and to spend time ALONE - maybe eat sushi - go to a coffee lounge - read books - watch wht I want on TV ....breathe :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2006
Thu, 02-01-2007 - 9:11am

Wow. I totally know what you mean. They do suffocate you with their emotions. Whether the good or the bad. They are so over the top about everything they do that it smothers how you feel. We push everything down to deal with them and their drama. But no more, right???

As far as not wanting to hurt him...I know about that too. For myself, I know that as a weakness of mine now. So I want to avoid any contact with him because I know how vulnerable I am right now. I do miss him because this sick relationship has been my focus for years. He also knows exactly how to push all of my buttons-the good and the bad. He knows how sentimental and emotional I am, so he acts lovey and promises lots of wonderful behavior to work me. Even in jail now, I know not to speak to him even though I really need to rail against him to tell him how I feel for once. If I let him speak to me he will think he has more reason to continue to call/bug me. Trust me, in the end it's all about him.
I am also aware that one of the reasons I am scared to go to court is the feelings of sympathy/sorrow for what he will go through for years down the road because of what he did. I am not responsible for his punishment; but I am an empathetic person and am proud of that. It makes me a good person. I just have to learn how to protect myself from users and people who will use my niceness.
Anyway, be careful being close to him-allowing him to ask you out. It puts you in a position to allow him close again and we are weak when it comes to them. They know how to work us. Never forget that. They will say anything to get what they want. Good luck with the attorney. You are doing the right thing.

Stephanie

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