I am giving him another chance....

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2005
I am giving him another chance....
16
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 9:19am
I have been reading this board for a while and it has been helpful to me. I have been married for 17 years. Many of them have been filled with emotional abuse. My husband and I went to counseling twice already at my request. It seemed to help for a period of 3-6 months and then we go right back again to the abuse. About two weeks ago I hit the wall and I told him that I had emotionally checked out of the marriage. He seemed shocked and he wanted to go to counseling. We went last week and I told the counselor I wasn't sure what I wanted. My husband and I had a long talk this weekend and he seemed so sincere and that he really finally recognized what he had done. He claimed that the previous two times he didn't really think I would leave him or recognize that he had a problem. He begged and sobbed for another chance. I agreed to give him another chance. I have two teenage children and I can't bear the thought of telling them they we are getting a divorce. Part of me wants to think that he has truly changed this time. Another part of me is just waiting for him to start up again. I don't even really want to go back to counseling. Please be honest with me and tell me if I am being stupid for allowing him yet another chance.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 9:27am

"I don't even really want to go back to counseling." Go with that! Trust your gut feelings!

There's absolutely NO WAY he's changed. NO WAY! Standard marriage counseling doesn't help in abuse cases anyway.

Get into counseling by yourself with someone experienced in abuse counseling. The dv hotline can help you there. Get some distance between you and him so that you can think about what is best for you and your children.

He WILL start abusing you again. As soon as the threat of your leaving him is gone, he'll start right back up again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 9:31am

Hi there,....I'm one of the former CL's for this board and I pop in from time to time and I'm just going to throw my two cents worth out there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 9:52am

Welcome, feelingtorn.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2005
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 11:51am
Thanks so much for all of your responses. I know that intellectually he is probably manipulating me again. However, emotionally I felt that I needed to give it one last try. I did read the article about signs that he is changing and he is doing a lot of those things in the correct way. The problem is that I really don't care anymore. I feel that I have to let him prove himself again. However, there is also a part of me that is waiting for it to begin again so that I can finally say: "I am out." I told him on the weekend that this really was the last chance. Now, it is up to him. I am not going to suggest that he get help. I am finished with that. However, I could not deal with the guilt if I didn't give him one more chance. I am sad and confused. I really think that he is going to begin again and then I will really feel foolish. But, I have pleased others my whole life at my expense and I know that I couldn't live with myself if I left him now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2001
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 2:38pm

I, too, gave my ex another chance(s). I meet him when I went to work for him in 1971. Out relationship was based on lies from the very beginning. I found out after 6 months of working with him that he was married, lasted another 6 months there, married someone else, four years, only to return to him with my 2 year old son. That was the beginning of 25 years of misery that I will never get back. Once I finally gave it a name "Domestic Abuse" in 1998, I could never go back to the way things were. I found two books by Patricia Evans, "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" and "Survivor's Speak Out." Along with a support group where I use to live and the wonderful board here I finally left in 2004. It got worst instead of better, if that was at all possible. Where I am going with this is please read "The Verbally Abusive Relationship " and then see if your husband will. I tried for years to get him to read about this but he wouldn't and after 6 years of trying to make things work I left. Lesser of two evils, life or death. I am 59 trying to start over. Please keep posting here and let us know what happens. We care,

Luv, Sherry

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 2:54pm

Those two Patricia Evans books have been extremely helpful to me, but I have to disagree about showing them to your husband. I once tried this and instantly had everything turned around on me. He called me the abusive one. Of course, he refused to read the books, but even if he had, I'm sure he'd have taken what he read in there and twisted it for his own use later.

Those two books and Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That are wonderful for helping us learn to recognize abuse. These books identify the tactics abusers use and show us the safest ways to deal with them. I've found this knowledge to be very empowering.

It helped that my abusers didn't know that I was on to them. I was able to see the abuse for what it was, and I was no longer hurt or manipulated by their ridiculous actions & words.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 7:35pm
I think you know deep down that he hasn't changed, and won't. If you're just not ready to leave him, that's OK, as long as you understand that he will not change and you'll most likely need to get there eventually. Keep reading, posting, and learning, and you will be better able to make an informed decision.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2001
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 7:38pm
After reading the two Patricia Evans book in 1998, I kept them hidden for the next four years, then when I wanted him to know about abuse, I told him I thought he should read the book. I still to this day believe it explained abusive relationships, why not to get into one nor stay, the best I found.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2005
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 10:27am
Thanks so much for the support and thoughts. They mean a lot. I have to say that on Sunday I felt very good about giving him another chance but yesterday I felt: what if I have been "had" again? I really don't want to stay with him, but I get physically nauseous when I think about leaving. He can be so caring and loving and I know that he loves me more than anything. I am not in love with him, I haven't been for a long time. However, he can be a really nice guy. There are times that we can go months without a blow up. I guess I don't feel that I have enough reasons to leave. Aren't all relationships unhappy at some point???
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2001
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 10:54am

I know how you feel. I left two years ago this February 14th. To tell you the truth, I don't know what love is for a man. I know I love life, family, other people, especially my son, but after three marriages, first one was less than a year, the two I choose to love, disappointed me. Looking back it was all about them, what they wanted and what I could give them. I took care of both to the extreme, my fault I guess. I would like to be in love before I die and this it why I understand how you feel and why I suggested reading that book. I thought it would help my husband understand seeing that I know he loved me but wouldn't change. I kept praying with all my heart that he would, like Dr. Phil says "you either get it or you don't.' I really appreciated you getting back to me and if you want to e-mail me, please do so. I can use talking to someone who is in the same place as I am. Please take care of yourself,

Luv, Sherry (slockhart100@cableone.net)

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