I am giving him another chance....
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I am giving him another chance....
| Mon, 01-16-2006 - 9:19am |
I have been reading this board for a while and it has been helpful to me. I have been married for 17 years. Many of them have been filled with emotional abuse. My husband and I went to counseling twice already at my request. It seemed to help for a period of 3-6 months and then we go right back again to the abuse. About two weeks ago I hit the wall and I told him that I had emotionally checked out of the marriage. He seemed shocked and he wanted to go to counseling. We went last week and I told the counselor I wasn't sure what I wanted. My husband and I had a long talk this weekend and he seemed so sincere and that he really finally recognized what he had done. He claimed that the previous two times he didn't really think I would leave him or recognize that he had a problem. He begged and sobbed for another chance. I agreed to give him another chance. I have two teenage children and I can't bear the thought of telling them they we are getting a divorce. Part of me wants to think that he has truly changed this time. Another part of me is just waiting for him to start up again. I don't even really want to go back to counseling. Please be honest with me and tell me if I am being stupid for allowing him yet another chance.

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"I don't even really want to go back to counseling." Go with that! Trust your gut feelings!
There's absolutely NO WAY he's changed. NO WAY! Standard marriage counseling doesn't help in abuse cases anyway.
Get into counseling by yourself with someone experienced in abuse counseling. The dv hotline can help you there. Get some distance between you and him so that you can think about what is best for you and your children.
He WILL start abusing you again. As soon as the threat of your leaving him is gone, he'll start right back up again.
Hi there,....I'm one of the former CL's for this board and I pop in from time to time and I'm just going to throw my two cents worth out there.
Welcome, feelingtorn.
I, too, gave my ex another chance(s). I meet him when I went to work for him in 1971. Out relationship was based on lies from the very beginning. I found out after 6 months of working with him that he was married, lasted another 6 months there, married someone else, four years, only to return to him with my 2 year old son. That was the beginning of 25 years of misery that I will never get back. Once I finally gave it a name "Domestic Abuse" in 1998, I could never go back to the way things were. I found two books by Patricia Evans, "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" and "Survivor's Speak Out." Along with a support group where I use to live and the wonderful board here I finally left in 2004. It got worst instead of better, if that was at all possible. Where I am going with this is please read "The Verbally Abusive Relationship " and then see if your husband will. I tried for years to get him to read about this but he wouldn't and after 6 years of trying to make things work I left. Lesser of two evils, life or death. I am 59 trying to start over. Please keep posting here and let us know what happens. We care,
Luv, Sherry
Those two Patricia Evans books have been extremely helpful to me, but I have to disagree about showing them to your husband. I once tried this and instantly had everything turned around on me. He called me the abusive one. Of course, he refused to read the books, but even if he had, I'm sure he'd have taken what he read in there and twisted it for his own use later.
Those two books and Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That are wonderful for helping us learn to recognize abuse. These books identify the tactics abusers use and show us the safest ways to deal with them. I've found this knowledge to be very empowering.
It helped that my abusers didn't know that I was on to them. I was able to see the abuse for what it was, and I was no longer hurt or manipulated by their ridiculous actions & words.
I know how you feel. I left two years ago this February 14th. To tell you the truth, I don't know what love is for a man. I know I love life, family, other people, especially my son, but after three marriages, first one was less than a year, the two I choose to love, disappointed me. Looking back it was all about them, what they wanted and what I could give them. I took care of both to the extreme, my fault I guess. I would like to be in love before I die and this it why I understand how you feel and why I suggested reading that book. I thought it would help my husband understand seeing that I know he loved me but wouldn't change. I kept praying with all my heart that he would, like Dr. Phil says "you either get it or you don't.' I really appreciated you getting back to me and if you want to e-mail me, please do so. I can use talking to someone who is in the same place as I am. Please take care of yourself,
Luv, Sherry (slockhart100@cableone.net)
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