I am giving him another chance....
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I am giving him another chance....
| Mon, 01-16-2006 - 9:19am |
I have been reading this board for a while and it has been helpful to me. I have been married for 17 years. Many of them have been filled with emotional abuse. My husband and I went to counseling twice already at my request. It seemed to help for a period of 3-6 months and then we go right back again to the abuse. About two weeks ago I hit the wall and I told him that I had emotionally checked out of the marriage. He seemed shocked and he wanted to go to counseling. We went last week and I told the counselor I wasn't sure what I wanted. My husband and I had a long talk this weekend and he seemed so sincere and that he really finally recognized what he had done. He claimed that the previous two times he didn't really think I would leave him or recognize that he had a problem. He begged and sobbed for another chance. I agreed to give him another chance. I have two teenage children and I can't bear the thought of telling them they we are getting a divorce. Part of me wants to think that he has truly changed this time. Another part of me is just waiting for him to start up again. I don't even really want to go back to counseling. Please be honest with me and tell me if I am being stupid for allowing him yet another chance.

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I will say that yes, there are times when emotions get a little frayed in a healthy relationship BUT...those times are very few and far between.
CL-Blueliner4
Hi,
I just thought I'd chime in since we're talking about good books to read. I don't know why I waited forever to read Patricia Evans book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship". I read it 6 or 7 months after first realizing I was in an abusive relationship (back in Nov 2003). The book brought healing to my mind and helped me see what was really going on inside of me and within my relationship. And believe it or not, it helped me in practical ways, too. I wasn't ready to leave in Nov. 2003, so the book helped me deal with the relationship until I was ready. The book brought a little sanity back into my life and helped take me out of the cloud of deception that my abuser had cleverly created. I guess I hesitated to read it because I thought it would brainwash me into leaving. That is NOT what happened at all. I didn't leave my husband for another year after reading the book (Nov 2004). I think if you haven't already started reading it, DO IT. And don't tell your husband you are reading it. Reading the book, like I said, made sense and brought clarity into my crazy/confused world. My husband is the one who was brainwashing me... he made a lot of sense (so I thought) and I truly believed it was my responsibility to make him happy or keep him from blowing up at me. The concept of it-takes-two, blah blah. My abuser took advantage of my kind heart and I was decieved. With that said, after reading Patricia Evans' book, my eyes started opening.
Another book that really helped me and brought so much healing from the pain is "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud. (i think, or was it Townsend, or both) Again I was afraid to read this book, I thought it would make me selfish or something.. But on the contrary, reading this book was a healing experience. Helped me see the difference between "normal", healthy relationships vs. "not normal" and unhealthy relationships. Since reading these books, I got a clearer picture of what healthy looks like and my relationship with my stbx husband was NOT normal or healthy. But now that I know what to look for, I don't fall for the lies and false promises anymore. And I certainly don't fall for the blame game.
And if I can do it, YOU can do it, too. I've been out of my abusive relationship since Nov. 2004. My children and I are doing wonderful and live a peaceful, joyful life, now. You deserve peace, love and joy, too. I wish you the best.
God Bless,
Loonybunny
Keeping you confused and off balance is part of the abuse, and you sound very, very confused. Doubting yourself and your own perceptions are the result of conditioning, the result of being abused for a long time.
Ask yourself if it really matters what he has to say at this point. Can you possibly believe him? Do you want to live in this state of confusion and anger indefinitely, waiting for him to revert back to his old behavior? Are you happy?
Abusers don't change overnight, and they can't possibly change in two weeks or two months. Only 1% of abusers change and that's after years and years of hard work with someone specially trained for it.
Please read Lundy Bancroft's book as soon as you can. It'll help.
It's time to trust your own self. If you don't feel things are right, then they aren't.
Now might be a good time to take a long vacation away from him, get your thoughts together without him around to confuse you.
He called your daughter an ******?? With her sitting right there, trying to eat dinner? That's horrible! You're not overreacting. You can trust your ears! If it sounds wrong, then it IS wrong. If it feels wrong, then it IS wrong.
That turning in your stomach? I've felt that so many times, hundreds of times throughout my life. That's your guide. If it's turning your stomach, then it's wrong, wrong, wrong.
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