I am just amazed

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2004
I am just amazed
1
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 5:31am
In reading these posts, and also thinking about my own experience, why is it that we(women) have this tendency to put ourselves last?? Like in a job situation, I have seen over and over again, how an incompetent man, will ask for a raise, irregardless of anything accomplished, and women would continue to try to prove themselves, over and over again, before even bringing up the subject of a raise!! I used to be a boss, (before I fired and outsourced everything) and I was amazed at how the men, who were obviously deficient, ( and we had performance reviews and talked about the deficiency) would not hinder them for asking for stuff they do not deserve.

I have found this to be the case in so many situations, and with domestic abuse, the abuser totally takes advantage just because they can, because it has always worked. They will ask for the world and just expect that you will ask nothing in return. They will brutalize, and act like total asses, and will never apologize for their behavior. They feel entitled. And then, when you do actually leave, they are all in shock, and in many cases, even either blame their behavior on you, or, accuse you of their behavior!!!

The day that I realized and let go of my guilt, that I do not owe anyone, anything, was my first day of freedom, and the beginning of a charmed life. When I have come across abusive behavior while dating someone, (and there have been a few times where a guy will get all possesive on me) I recognize the signs, and either just disappear, or, I will actually tell them, (but not argue with them) that sorry, nothing personal to you, "it is just my personal policy not to associate with people who act this way, and I am going to honor that. I can not move forward with this relationship. I am sorry if that is hurtful to you" and just walk away. There is no guilt, and you are doing what is best for you. You would be amazed at the horrible backlash I've gotten from guys, that accuse me of being a man eater, user, and how I discard and degrade men, yeah, I've actually heard this, but in reality, they are just mad because I would not let them ruin and rule over me and my life.

Oh, here is a good one. My ex decided to move 34 hours away from his kid, and was expecting that I uproot myself, and my new family, to live near him, so he could see his kid. He saw nothing wrong with this request. To him, it was the usual expectation.

All I am saying is, the second you make the choice not to be a victim, you will not be. Why do we feel so obligated and guilty, and feel the need to educate and haul these guys into counceling? If we are not happy, we are not happy, end of story, and leave. Why do we drag it out??

I look back at that, and I just laugh. For years and years, after a horrible incident, I actually THOUGHT he was aware of what he as doing to me. He thought nothing wrong with it, and my attorney put all his wrong doings in the deposition, he actually signed it, because he thought it was business as usual, that everyone acts this way. (I wrote my ex mom in law a letter, sighting this, and I said, "you have to wonder where he learned this behavior!! Even you do not think there is anything wrong with it"

Since I've learned to cut blood suckers out of my life, I am a lot happier person for it. For anyone in a abusive relationship, get over the guilt, and just get out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
In reply to: tammy358
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 9:07am
Hi Tammy,

It's wonderful when you finally realized you have been "awakened." The process to get there is slow and painful, but when it happens it is like a whole new world opens up. It doesn't necessarily have to happen with your abuser. It happened to me last weekend and I don't ever think I'll forget the moment when I said no more.

Why did we put up with the abuse? We thought we were pleasing them. We are caring, loving people that wanted to give of ourselves. The problem was we gave to someone who wanted it all. I think the most disconcerting thing is when you find out that this person has no concept of the damage he/she did to you and they actually can justify their actions. This entitlement will keep them from ever finding theirselves. I remember old Wendell telling me that he couldn't figure out what was wrong with him, he just wanted to be happy. Well, since I spent most of my life trying to make him happy, I now realize that until he actually takes responsibility for himself and his actions he will never have the opportunity to experience true happiness. I, on the other hand, feel like a whole new world has opened up and it is mine for the taking. They already took, so now they have to give back. We gave and now we get the glory of getting.

It's true, if you allow yourself to be trampled on, you will have footmarks on your body all the time. One thing I won't allow though is to let myself be bitter. Everyone has their own little quirks and weaknesses. I have no problem accepting them, but I will not allow them to use me to "justify" them.

Getting over the guilt and getting on with your life is a process and not one to take quickly. You need to relish in every victory and forgive yourself for every setback. Only then, can true healing take place.

Terry