I am losing my resolve......HELP!
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| Sun, 01-02-2005 - 7:45pm |
I had a crying episode today just feeling too much at once. Tomorrow I get the restraining order and it will be served, but suddenly I am feeling sympathy for him and that I should give him time to move out. I know this is crazy thinking, I tried this and he insists on having 60 days and my serving him with an eviction notice both mailed and posted (he told me to take my lazy ass and get it done), and then he started calling me names, he refused to discuss it and walked away. I work a fulltime job and teach night school 20 hours a week, I am not lazy, he doesn't work and only does what he wants to do and if he claims I make him mad he won't do anything at all.
It was after one of his last speeches telling me what's wrong with me including that I don't do anything right. I told him again I wasn't taking this anymore and he needed to move out but I wanted to be fair but its always his way. He began yelling, and name calling, breaking things, and then storming angrily around the house trying to provoke me into a fight. I didn't take the bait. He was trying to teach me a lesson by using the computer when I needed to work that my doing laundry was the same invasion of space as my doing laundry in the basement at 7PM. He was also trying to intimidate and scare me, it worked.
It started with my asking his permission to do laundry and he said no and that I had plenty of time earlier in the week to do laundry. He spends evenings in the basement drinking, smoking marijuana,listening to loud music,and watching porn and the washing machine and my coming down inteferes invades his privacy, yet he is free to roam the entire house, no place is off limits for him. He won't allow me to store things in the basement he says it's too cluttered. A month ago he nagged me into throwing out things I really wanted to keep and that's also why I have a bathroom sink and two doors upstairs. This sounds so pathetic I am ashamed to write it but if I don't I might lose focus.
Writing this out actually helped me regain my focus and determination, this is not living. I am sure most people can freely do their laundry whenever they desire without asking permission and enter their own basements in their own homes when they want too. It hurts me to accept this is how I've lived for the last two years.

Big hugs, Toni. You're doing the right thing. It's just a night away, so hold on. He has no sympathy for you, remember that. You don't owe him a home when he doesn't even want you to have clean clothes.
Prayers & positive thoughts.
I regained my determination to follow through from posting and from both of your replies. I decided to go out instead of talking myself into letting him stay. I went to World Market and bought some Christmas ornaments at 50% off, I thought next year I can actually celebrate Christmas, HE hated the holidays, I haven't had a Christmas Tree for 12 years.
Leaving this relationship is hard but the joy I felt knowing I could have a Christmas tree next year was just another reminder of why I have to end it.