I am soooo mad!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2004
I am soooo mad!!!!!!
18
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 9:36am
Hi. I spoke to my H today. I had told him i would give him some money when i got my income tax back. We'll, i got it and now he is demanding money. He told me his mom was gonna file his and that i was gonna be audited since i claimed both kids and claimed HOH. We haven't been seperated for 6 months and I guess his mom is gonna tell her CPA that so i get in trouble and have to repay the money. I told him if that was the case that i was keeping the money so if i have to repay it i have it. He wants me to give it to him to hold,LOL. He also told me his mom has her lawyer after him to come and sign some divorce papers. He keeps throwing it in my face that he is the victim, not me since I cheated on him, or so he thinks. I never did anything with Kevin other then kiss him twice before I actually left John. I have pictures of my brusises. I need to know if anyone knows if they have any kind of legal aid in Florida since there is no way i can afford a lawyer. Johns mom is gonna make this as ugly and hurtful towards me as possible. I just don't understand why a grown man can't do things on his own. He runs to his mommy for everything. I can now say i will never ever go back to him. Will my pictures be something that will hold up in court? I know the judge will look at me since I did move in with Kevin so quick, but will the fact that i had no one be of any help? He just ruins my day when I talk to him. I don't know what to do about the money. He said if i don't give it to him, he'll harrass me and he doesn't care if he goes back to jail. I need to get my own insurance, pay bounced checks that he caused, give my daughter a party, get tires ETC>>> He is the most greedy person i know. He makes twice the amount of me weekly and has no bills, but won't let me keep the money to do things to benefit his kids, since I was the one who caused us to split up, or so he says. Sorry for rambling, i am just so angry. Christina

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2003
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 10:06am
I would keep the money. Why don't you try to have him charged with assault if you have pictures of bruises. Maybe someone will open their eyes to all of this and maybe his mom will realize he's not the perfect sons he thought he was. My ex is a mommas boy too, it makes me want to puke.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 10:21am
Christina, I'm so sorry you have to deal with his and his mother's BS, especially right now, when you've been doing so good about no contact.

But, please remember this -- Yes, the pictures of your bruises will be *very* convincing in court! As a paralegal, I can tell you, every time we get a client who needs a Protection from Abuse Order, the first thing we tell her is, "Take pictures!" The more documented evidence you have of *any* marks he has put on you, the better. I would suggest that you petition for a PFA immediately. That way, it's already documented with the court in your area that he has been abusive. The court will definitely remember that when it hears your divorce. Also, make sure you make plenty of *color* copies of your pictures. That way, if you do petition for a PFA and the court wants to keep the pictures for that purpose, you will still have copies to present at the divorce hearing. Photographic evidence is *extremely* compelling -- use it to your advantage!

If you have any other questions, please post and let us know how things are going. Meanwhile, slap his sorry a$$ with a PFA and see how he and his mommy like them apples!!!

Love & Hugs,

Emm

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2004
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 10:29am
My H is such a mommas boy that he can't write checks on his own, balance a checkbook, file his own taxes or anything. I'm suprised he can wipe his own a%^. It makes me sick that he can run to mommy and daddy to take care of his problems, knowing i have no one to help me. He makes everything look like my fault when i have picture to show what he did to me. Christina

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2004
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 10:40am
Emm,

Thanks for the info. I will go get more copies. I did have a RO when all this started, but stupidly dropped it. I am gonna call afew lawyers and see what they even charge and see if any will work with me. As far as the $$$ goes, is he entitled to any of the income tax money since we are legally married? I doon't know how to not give it to him. He is gonna harass me until he gets it. My bf said to just give it to him so we can be done with him. I'm supposed to call H later to set up a time to meet and give him the rest of his stuff and $$. I haven't decided yet, I am so confused. I really don't know what my legal rights are or what his mam is gonna put in the divorce papers. I wonder why i even got married in the first place. I know that is one mistake that i will NEVER do again. All it is is a piece of paper and it makes it hard to leave. I will never let another man control me and treat me the way H has treated me almost our whole relationship. I have to be strong for my girls. Christina

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 10:44am
Hi Christina. Sorry you are angry and having a bad day. I'm not surprised that he is making this difficult and emotional for you -- quite expected. Negotiating the "tax-world" post-separation/divorce is not easy and it's understandable that there be some confusion over filing status. Please don't let him rile you up or make you "crazy" with this. Try to have the perspective that there is a manageable solution to ALL of this. First, I suggest that you begin making calls to every single domestic violence shelter in your area requesting both legal resources and tax/financial resources. With enough calls, I am certain you can locate an accountant or a CPA who would be willing to review your tax return and make some recommendations. Obviously, letting H hold the money is NOT an option. If he makes his choice(s) to harrass you, get a RO or an OP, file a police report for harassment and stalking and, if necessary, have him thrown in jail. Do this each and every time he breaks the law and he will soon come to realize that there is a new sherrif in town -- one that doesn't choose to play his threat and control game any longer. We'll see if he's still singing his "i don't care if i go to jail game" after he spends a couple nights or more locked away. Jail tends to make people rethink things -- fast.

One always has the ability to file an amended return, so nothing you submitted is "set in stone" and if there was a filing error, it can still be corrected without penalty up until 4/15. As for your other worries re: the photos, the judge, etc.. I'm not exactly sure what you are getting at here. Will the photos be enough for what? Florida, as you know, is a no-fault divorce state so whether or not you jumped into another relationship or 100 relationships before during or after your marriage is of no relevance to the court in establishing grounds for the divorce. As well, as it relates to the divorce, they also don't care if he hit or bruised you. In other words, they don't care "why" the two of you want to divorce, just that it is desired.

However, if you are speaking about the photos and the judge as it relates to custody of your children, that's a horse of an entirely different color. They will be critically important if you seek anything other than joint custody. Do they have dates on them? Can you collect any other corroborating evidence of abuse? Diary entries? Greeting cards he sent apologizing for his actions? Any receipts for property that had to be replaced because he damaged it? Eye-witness accounts? Tape recordings? (Go out and buy yourself a recorder with an adapter that you can use to record the next call he makes to you threatening like he did today). Collect EVERYTHING you can that supports your assertion that he was physically/emotionally abusive. Don't worry how minor it seems, each piece will add up to a larger and more coherant whole. If you two embark on a nasty custody battle, which often happens, because the abuser wants to maintain as much control as possible and views his 50% stake in the children as a way to do so, then you certainly need a good attorney. Again, the phone calls to the shelters should provide you some initial resources to begin exploring your options, meeting with various attorneys, hearing their take, etc..A written timeline of abuse will also prove to be very helpful should a custody war be in your future.

As always, the libraries are wonderful resources. It was my first stop after the divorce papers were served. I checked out nearly every book I could find on the subject of divorce and custody in my state and made sure I understood the process as best I could. Please don't rely upon attorneys to be your "experts", since much like Drs., they are professionals who are best utilized when their "patients" are firmly involved with the process and have done their due diligence.

I know that everything seems so frustrating, overwhelming and confusing right now, but this won't last forever. This, too, shall pass. You are fully capable of mapping your way to a successful outcome. And, we are all right here whenever you need us. ~~gentle hugs...deep breaths; much support your way

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 10:45am
Hugs girley. You're letting his threats cloud your decision making. Have you tried contacting any of the shelter systems in your area? If not, now would be a good time to try too. If you can't find one easily, contact the National Abuse Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 and ask what shelters are near you. The shelters should have all the information you need in finding the help in your area.

It sounds as he's getting desperate in finding ways to control you as with the threats of his mother's CPA getting you in trouble. Before he gets you overly confused please take the time to take a breather and regain yourself.

The shelter's should be able to help you finding legal advice and probably at a much reduced rate if not for free. There are many resources available that could help you get through this rough time.

Keep posting, asking and venting here as there is a wide selection of people who might also know of what is available in your area.

Hang in there, it will get easier

Hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 11:05am
Hey, Christina. I forgot to mention in my last post -- if you can match the photos up with specific incidents, that's even better. Like, if you could copy a photo onto a regular-sized piece of paper and type or write (as neatly as possible) in the margin the approximate date and a brief description of what happened, that will be even more helpful to the judge.

About the income tax returns, I'm not sure what you would have to do there. I'm in PA, so FL law is a little alien to me. But, in my situation, my STBXH and I had a separation agreement in place as of December 31, 2003, which stated that I had to prepare and file our joint income tax returns, and we're to split the refund when it arrives. I'm having it direct-deposited into my own personal checking account, and I'm going to write him a check for his half. That seems to be the easiest way for us to do it. Maybe your H will agree to something like that? And, you know, Kevin's exactly right when he says you should just give him the money and be done with it. Provided, of course, that your tax refund isn't huge. (Mine is only going to be about $540, so we'll each get about $270.) After all, it really is just money, and what's money compared to your peace of mind? So, hopefully, he'll agree to each of you keeping half of your total refund, and then he can just crawl back under his rock and go away. (I would *not*, however, recommend that you allow him to have the whole refund check! He's really only entitled to half, the way I see it. JMHO.)

I would suggest that you lawyer up ASAP! If his mom is getting involved, you can bet she'll have her lawyer deal with this on his behalf. Try contacting the Florida Bar Association (they should have a website somewhere) and see if they have a legal aid or pro bono program. If that doesn't pan out, try contacting some local attorneys and see if they would be willing to work with you on a payment program or something like that. We do that relatively often here at my firm.

And, please don't completely write marriage off as an option for the future. Kevin seems like a great guy, and even if things don't work out with him, there are other good ones out there . . . trust me! Marriage, when it's the way it's *supposed* to be, is a great thing, from what I hear. Just don't shortchange yourself.

Love & Hugs,

Emm

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 11:08am

Here is a website for you www.womenslaw.org


Here is a direct link to your state's website: http://www.womenslaw.org/FL/FL_main.htm


This website is a very resourceful tool to help you determine what your legal rights are when it comes to instances such as yours and everyone else's.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2004
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 11:43am
Thank you so much for the info about florida being a no fault state. I thought that the fact that I am living with another man would hurt the whole process. I have reports with DCF from when they came and interviewed me and kevin and checked out the house. Should i reequest a copy of the report, would that help? I am at a total loss as to what i need to do. I never in my wildest dreams thought i would ever be getting a divorce. I thought John was the man for me and then this. I know i can't dwell on the past and I need to look forward, at the future. The only other evidence I can think of would be my friends that have witnessed him screaming at me and my work, whom heard the call after call he made on my cell 2 weeks ago. Should I write down all the times he calls? I am gonna call and get a free consultation with a lawyer. This is the only time he has ever left marks on me and the only time the police were envolved. I wish he would just sihn his papers so i can get it all done with. I hate the fact that he keeps throwing it all in my face. christina

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2004
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 11:57am
Emm,

I tried to get a seperation, but i guess in FL there is no legal seperation. Thats what i was told. I had talked to him before about our taxes and he had agreed to both of us filing married but seperated and that i would claim the kids, since I would get more money back. Well, he told me on Mon that he did his and he had to pay $184. I have already given him $500 and now he tells me his mom won't file it for him that way and I am gonna get audited and have to repay my refund. Then he tells me he still wants the other $500. I just don't know what to do. If i give him the rest of the $, I won't have any left if i do need to repay. He involes his mom in everything now. My main problem is he makes more than double what i make hourly and has NO bills, yet he thinks he should get more money. I am the one with the kids 95% of the time. He has seen them twice in almost 3 weeks. Christina

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