I am stuck in this abusive marriage

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
I am stuck in this abusive marriage
15
Wed, 11-02-2011 - 7:27pm

Hello Cajunharmony. It's Wantslove. Thank you for replying to my post. I really want to get out from under his thumb, but

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Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Thu, 11-03-2011 - 11:51pm

Wantslove, you and your girl can get help.

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Sat, 11-05-2011 - 12:44pm

Thank you for your encouraging words. Yesterday I did something which was out of the ordinary for me. We have only 1 car so we have to share to go to work. So Thursday he really berated me and hurt my feelings so badly on the way to work that I couldn't really concentrate at work and I was just boiling over with emotional pain. So Friday morning, we get in the car and I said, what time do you have to be at work? (he never tells me his schedule until the day) he said 8, and I have to be a t work at 8 also. Good thing is we both work in the town we live in so it takes me 15 minutes to get to work and it takes him 7 minutes. So since we have to pass his job first, i said I'm taking you to work first. He says "oh h_ll no, i need the car". I told him the way he spoke to me yesterday, I will not allow you to drive my car". (He wouldn't co sign for the car, makes no car pymts, the car got repoed recently and he didn't help me get the funds together to get it back) I took him to work and he wouldn't get out of the car. I said "you are on time and now

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Sun, 11-06-2011 - 8:29am

Hi;

Well? I realize what you are doing but I am sorry this could backfire on you. Its like tit for tat and you will still be on that emotional rollercoaster with nothing resolved.. Its a game that abusers play like cajun said. Its still crazymaking.

Abusers are so much more clever than we give them credit for.

If he isnt now or ever pulled his own weight in the marriage and abused you on top of that this is a no brainer for me.

Sue him for divorce and get all you can from him.. Get him out of your house and your life.. If you cant then after you sue him move out with your girls..

I mean if you are paying for everything now you will only have to pay for you and the girls. He is dead weight and not even contributing so you are already a single parent right? So why is he around? What does he do for you and the girls?Sounds like he does nothing.. so why is he still around???

The damage is done to your girls and you and

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Sun, 11-06-2011 - 11:21am

Freeatlast.......You sound exactly like my best friend who has said the same thing for years. My husband has had "dificulty" keeping a job so

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Sun, 11-06-2011 - 12:32pm

wow; I cant imagine staying with this guy for 23 years.. He sounds totally narcisstic. I was married to one and now divorced so I can totally relate to abusers and these types..

I lasted about 8 years with my ex before I left home. It took another two years to get a divorce. (long story)

Anyway;; I can bet that your husband has a nice big bank account with money in it and why should he divorce you? You pay for everything, parent your kids and do everything? He is but a dead anchor on you and the kids.. Hey; I will marry you (lol)

You know alot of times women dont leave because they are financially strapped and the husband pays the bills and she was a sahm mom.. Those cases are more difficult to leave an abuser. It can be done but just more work and some women go to shelters.

You my dear sound like you can do this all on your own without that dead weight. (sorry) Like I said you are already paying most of the bills and he does nothing. You are already that single parent,etc.etc.so what is the difference?

I can assure you that if you ever decide to get rid of that guy you will soar to heights

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Sun, 11-06-2011 - 11:45pm

Freeatlast, yeah, he does do things, like, cooks, (laundry---with attitude). He mows the lawn, he buys lots of tools to fix things around the house (gotta have the right tools for the jobs, right?!?!) And he drinks, well, he used to drink the hard stuff, but now its just beer.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Mon, 11-07-2011 - 2:57am

Oh; Dear.. So now how old is he? like 50 something?? You are like 40 something?

I dont know what to say except I would def. let him go and move on.. I think its time but that is just me..This is going to be very very very long (sorry)

welll? Let me see if I can tell my story.. I got married for the second time when I was like 40.. I thought it was one of those fairy tales.. You know we met .. My ex was 46.. I thought I hit the jackpot being I was a single mom of a 16 year old (how old son was back then) and I was so lucky to have found this wonderful man ... He hid his true self for awhile when we dated but there were some little red flags which I just ignored..but they didnt seem so significant and something I could handle..

So after about a year of dating . This was in 1996 we got married. Of course we loved each other and so me and my son moved into his house. He had four kids and their mom had passed away.. Everything seemed great for about two years.. We lived in this nice house and we went out, we traveled, we did all kinds of stuff. We worked hard also and we just lived life..He was such a dream come true.. He was the nicest sweetest loving kind man to me and my son.

Well? After I got very comfortable as they say with victims in the marriage my ex started acted very strange and different. Wasnt him at all. He started to monitor where I went and who I spoke to on the phone.. Where i parked my car and a bunch of controlling behavior just started to surface.. I was like ?Who is this guy and where did he put my husband..? You know that loving , caring, adoring man that I married...Lo and behold they were one in the same but I had no idea I just married an npd, abusive, controlling, sociopath. I mean I didnt study any of this? why should I? I didnt know there were people in this world that I would attract like this? I assumed I was normal? I had no idea what codependent meant or anything like that??

So when he started this controlling behavior when I made a wrong move according to him he would start yelling at me like a mad man. The first time I was like a deer in the headlights; shocked and amazed that my husband was actually yelling and screaming at me at the top of his lungs..and over something like me parking my car crooked in the driveway.. I just tried to yell back but he yelled louder and louder and then he starts punching the walls in.. He tore off the molding on the walls and the doors. Then I started backing off and screaming stop it stop it .. Please stop it..

So there started that cycle of abuse..He went from the horrific verbal abuse to throwing chairs at me at times and of course the mental abuse. I wasnt allowed to have money, see friends, spend money, go out , etc.etc.. I tried to stop him in everyway I knew but the only thing he did stop was punching the walls and physical stuff for awhile. I guess he got tired of patching it all up.

He would also play mind games with me, intimidate me and make me feel less than a person exactly the way your husband acts. He even would try and smash the car up when we were both in it.. He would start an argument with me and he was of course always right.. When I wouldnt speak he would put his foot on the pedal of the car and make me think he was going to kill us.Those times I got really really scared and once again I would be screaming at him. He would then stop the car and get out or he would throw me out of the car.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Mon, 11-07-2011 - 7:31pm

WOW. You went through ALOT to say the least. I am glad you ar here to tell it. What is wrong with men that they think just because

Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Mon, 11-07-2011 - 9:03pm

Hey sweetie, what a wonderful post you wrote!

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Tue, 11-08-2011 - 7:21am

Hi;

I dont know what is wrong with some men but the day that I stopped trying to figure that out was one more step to freedom. I couldnt worry about or care about or figure out what my ex was.. I just one day said well? The man has mental issues and he has huge problems.. but its not my problem anymore. So I focused on what I had to do for me.. Now that was a good day.Nowadays I dont even tell anyone about my marriage and divorce. I just say that my ex was controlling and he had problems and leave it at that. I also now take responsbility for what happened although that is a hard pill to swallow. When I learned that I was a huge codependent I had to start fixing me and its a daily fight just for that.

The other thing was that it did sting when he got the gfriend.. I was like? Wow?? Is he treating her better

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