I AM TRAPPED (long)
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I AM TRAPPED (long)
| Sun, 01-02-2005 - 1:46am |
hello everyone and Happy New Year! I am so confused I don't know what to do and I am so confused by all of this and my situation just seems to get more and more messy as the days pass. I just realised that its been nine months since I came to the realisation that I was in an abusive realationship. I know that some of you will tell me to just go but I just don't feel like I can walk away from everything. I am so afraid of being on my own which is only a fear I have recently had because of my health. Hang on before I go further here is a brief history....I have been with my H for 15 years ( I was 15 he was 19)in that time we had two girls 11 and 5 now, he has been physically abusive to me a few times nothing in the last 6 years or so but in all of that time he has been very verbally abusive. He is the type to be Mr Perfect 95% of the time and then all hell breaks loose when he gets peed off which was ALWAYS my fault. He has done all of the classic stuff, jealousy, controlling, aggressive, punching walls breaking stuff etc etc so 9 months ago after one such punching incident I kicked him out and thats when all the fun began. Since then we have been in councelling (separate d/v counselling) and he has seen the error of his ways BUT he has also done on several occasions that same stuff he was doing before. We have both moved out and moved back in. Oh and in the last two years I have been dealing with Crohn's disease, and just recently as in three days before christmas neally lost my part-time job (that is a whole other messy story)
So after all of this I am at a cross-road, I find living in this unbearable and yet the thought of trying to cope on my own with two children just scares the hell out of me. I mean looking after them is not the issue I can handle that its keeping a job going and my health that I am really concerned about. The rock and the hard place thing about it is that staying is making me sick. So here is my living hell can't go don't want to stay...... I want this year to be different I just have no idea how I am suppose to do it...I have to go now have to go to the shop and get some stuff for a bbq (i'm an aussie)
which i don't want to go to so he can have his paws all over me infront of everyone...........bye guys thanks for the vent.........as always
M
So after all of this I am at a cross-road, I find living in this unbearable and yet the thought of trying to cope on my own with two children just scares the hell out of me. I mean looking after them is not the issue I can handle that its keeping a job going and my health that I am really concerned about. The rock and the hard place thing about it is that staying is making me sick. So here is my living hell can't go don't want to stay...... I want this year to be different I just have no idea how I am suppose to do it...I have to go now have to go to the shop and get some stuff for a bbq (i'm an aussie)
which i don't want to go to so he can have his paws all over me infront of everyone...........bye guys thanks for the vent.........as always
M

Oh, honey.
CL-Blueliner4
Hi M,
I'm sorry you feel trapped, but don't let the fear of not being able to make it on your own keep you from being happy. There are many federal programs that can help you in your situation...use them if you need to.
When I ended up alone, I was devastated. In fact, old Wendell was just laying in wait to prove that I couldn't make it on my own. He even attempted to destroy me financially, so he could prove I was worth nothing. I spent alot of tears trying to take the steps to move forward. It's hard, but remember it is only a fear and not a reality. Fears can be conquered. As I look back now, I smile when I think of how some of the simplest things made me want to run and hide. I can understand your fear because you have been with him since you were 15. You married him when you were a child yourself. Take a look at your 11 year old and think of her 4 years from now, the age you married. Also think about yourself now and how much you have grown and are standing up for yourself little by little. You've got alot of strength that you are not giving yourself credit for.
Terry