I bought that book

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
I bought that book
3
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 4:22am
I snuck and bought that "Why Does He Do That" book the other day. I got in trouble for not bringing home change from lunch. Heh. If he knew what I spent it on, I would be in big trouble!

This book almost scares me in its accuracy. I feel like such a schmuck that I am in this deep in under a year! Today he screamed at me because I didn't want to take a ride from his crazy sister, when I could have gotten a ride to work from a co-worker (my car is broken down, he is a mechanic, and yet it is not fixed...hmmmm). When I called him later, he surprisingly apologized, but said he screamed at me because I "made him so crazy." Before stumbling upon this board, I would have felt really guilty about that. I would have believed me when he called me "difficult" and "selfish."

Prompted by the book, I asked him later, when he was more calm, if he felt justified in screaming at me...he said "of course" because I ticked him off so much. Ugh.

Since my first post here, he has been complaining about what a "jerk" I have been and has told me that I seem "distant" or that I don't love him. Guess I am distancing myself...distancing myself from that girl that he has almost 100% under his control, and becoming my own self again.

Yikes! And things have been so hard! Not only is my car broken down, but now my phone is shut off. I do most of my work by appointment, so that really puts me in a bind...When he mentions that I am lucky that he "lets" me surf the internet freely (and he usually doesn't), I honestly do feel so grateful. What would I do without this?

Before I post, I always reconsider and worry about what a burden I might be. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart that you guys go out of the way so that no one here feels that way. This struggle would be so hard on my own.

I am enrolled in a computer engineering program at a major university and my bf has majorly gotten in the way of my education since I met him (causing big fights before big tests, etc). My goal is to assert my independence and put myself and my education first again by the time school starts in the fall. If I don't, I have a good chance of getting kicked out. I've been on academic probation almost since I met him. Sigh. Wish me luck!

Avatar for ples62
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 7:15am
(((((teodorra)))))

My heart goes out to you. Yes, we do wonder how we end up where we are. The book you bought will be of tremendous help to you. Keep in mind his comments that you make him crazy are totally wrong. You see, no one can make someone else crazy, or mad, or sad. He makes a choice, as he told you later, to scream at you and he blames you. Remember, he is making a choice. He needs to learn that he can't control you, it isn't right, he is trying to take away your free will. We do give it away, but once we realize, we start to take it back and they don't like it.

Don't believe him when he calls you names. Don't listen when he screams at you when you have done something other than what he wants. I, like you, sneak to the this board as much as I can and have been for over 2 years now. I have found tremendous support, knowledge and encouragement. My eyes are very aware of what is going on now. Please, read and learn, find your personal strength again, before you waste 24 years of your life - always wondering what wasn't right.

ples

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 12:36pm
Thank you, Ples.

This is my first chance that I had to reply. I related a lot to what you said and I appreciate it so much. I am trying to take back control of my life recently, little by little, and he doesn't like it one bit. It's hard sometimes when he seems so sweet, like when he is sleeping or cuddling with me, but honestly, I've been even more scared of him since I started reading about how he has full control over his actions/violence etc. I have been having horrible nightmares of husbands brutally raping and attacking their wives, etc, and trying to help the wife escape. :( Things will get better, I hope.

Thanks again....

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Sun, 08-01-2004 - 10:40pm
Your dreams are telling you that you need to get out. He is a mechanic and you are in a computer engineering program at a major university? A controlling guy like him won't rest until he wrecks that for you. Staging big fights right before exams is a perfect way to do it because then he can blame your failure on you. A degree in computer engineering would be your ticket to financial independence from him and he knows that. I hope I hope I hope that you are able to follow through on your professional dreams. This is so important to your future, way more important than he is. Your studies should be priority #1. This guy is your boyfriend, you aren't even married to him. Just up and leave. He's not for you.

You worry about being a burden before you even post here? Why would you worry about being a burden here? That is what this board is for. It is impossible to burden anyone here because all are here voluntarily; if people don't want to respond to a post, they just don't. No biggie. However that remark suggests that you are at the point where you feel entitled to nothing, not even to post freely on ivillage. This is a very major problem. If you feel entitled to nothing that is what you will tend to get. Does your university have a counselling center? Maybe some time spent there would be helpful to you. YOu need to learn to put your own needs first, without apologizing to anyone. If you don't, someone like your bf steps in and takes over and runs your life for you. You deserve to speak freely everywhere, on ivillage and in your home and in class. You do not need permission from anyone. You deserve to build a successful career for yourself and to enjoy your own activities and to take good care of yourself. When others see how you value yourself, they will know how valuable you are. When you have built a good life for yourself, then you will really have something to share when you finally find someone who will be a caring partner to you.