I CANNOT take it anymore!!!! **LONG**
Find a Conversation
| Sun, 08-15-2004 - 11:58pm |
I had contacted the local DV organization and had an appointment set up for counseling. I cancelled it. Luck have it, the person who I was to meet with was manning the hotline phones when i called. I spoke with her for awhile and told her I was very sorry. She was very nice and understanding.
Well, things have only gotten worse here. DH said he was going to go back to the batterers program (he had voluntary put himself last summer, 36 weeks). Obviously that did nothng for him!! To be honest, I think he is lying about going back because all he says is, we have no money to pay for it. Well, if he really wanted to go he would FIND the money!! And speaking of money, he owns (well, sortof) a business with his father. Though, the only claim to the business is that we file the taxes (k1) with our personal income tax. There are NO signed documents stating that he is a part owner!! I have also come to find out that most of the gazillon business bank accounts have MY DH's SS# attached to them. Is this leagal for an S-corp?? I didn't think so (10 years in finance). Money is floating in and oput of these accounts like you would not believe!! He will NOT show me his paycheck (have been asking for 2 years, said he was going to show me Friday and did he?? NO! I didn't feel like arguing about it so i didn't ask) and he deposits different amounts into our acct. each week. All of our bills are not paid (I am trying to catch them up) and specifically MINE. When he went for a mortgage to buy a new house so he could be closer to work (which I DID NOT WANT TO MOVE!!!! Especially since he didn't care about the house, only that it was closer to work. He was looking at houses SMALLER thtn our current 3 bedroom - we have 4 kids!!!) he didn't want me on the mortgage and then proceeded to pay all his bills and NOT mine. MY FAULT here!! BUT, I thought they were being paid as I saw checks being written on the account.
OK, with all that and all the fighting going on, today was horrible!! I forget what the start of the arguing (not shouting or anything) was about but I asked him, "What is the problem?" In regards to why are we arguing so much and his response 9in front of the kids i might add), "You are my problem". Nice guy huh??
Ok, so he took the girls out front to play and i sat here cleaning and such. Well, I couldn't find my keys and I am at such a place all i am is angry and sad and just want to cry all the time. I went outside (where a bunch of neighbors had come to our house and were sitting out front with their children) and lost it!! I mean really lost it. i told one neighbor, "you think this guy is so great? Well, he likes to hit woman!! Heck, he bit the s**t out of me when I was 8 mo pregnant!". And i went on and on!! All thru this my DH is saying "You are a f**kin lunatic", "you're a nut case" "Shut your F**kin mouth", "You are so embarrassing", etc. I told him "Just be a man and leave!! Stop doing this to your family"
I HATE HIM!!! I CANNOT stand the sight of him!! I told him, since he told me that he would kill me if i divorced him that I wished he was dead (in front of the neighbors, I wish i could take that back!!). i know he won't leave. He has a house to come home to every night and sleep in. That is all he does here.
I cannot believe what i did!! i am sitting here crying now because I did all of this infront of the whole neighborhood (everyone came to the block and watched) and the worse part, in front of my girls. I told everyone to leave and said i was taking the girls food shopping. I drove around awhile and took them to McDonalds. out of guilt I guess?? God, i feel so bad for wht i did!! My 3yo said "Why do you be so mean to Daddy?" and my 6yo answered "No, Daddy is mean to Mommy all the time." Waht have i allowed to happen. I love my girls with all my heart and I NEED this to stop.
I am seriously considering a OOP. I am just afraid that I am not doing the right thng, as crazy as that sounds. I have absoluelty no money for a lawyer and cannot get any (mom told me she wasn't lending me any, there are free lawyers). i know there is legal aide but will they help me?? I HAVE TO get oout of this marraige. I am scared of what he may do. This is a man who said, shoot first, then think about it. Who has absolutely no guilt (never even an I'm sorry after he has hit me or sid nasty things to me), remorse or empathy. He is such a selfish human being it is disgusting!!!
I do have a game plan set up (all the important stuff) and as i sit here am seriously even considering going to a shelter tonite. Just to get out of this house. To get my kids out. They deserve so much better. But, then i think, how devastating it will be for them. Oh god, what the heck did i do????????? Waht happened to me????? A former VERY independent, self-assured woman who is nothing but a mere shell of herself. And a chicken.

Print out your post, get the girls together and go to the shelter.
CL-Blueliner4
I want to go so badly but am afraid to. Waht if I am not doing the right thing?? I am such a chicken for staying. I feel I am a bad mom for staying, for putting my DD's thru this.
Waht is going to make me leave??
******ADDING THIS*******
Ok, I just called the local DV hotline and was told that I cannot get a Stay away OOP. Since, my DH has not hit me recently and i have not proof (I cannot find the pictures on my computer). I was then advised to get an (believe this was the term), Anti-harrassment OOP, in which he continues to live here but he is not allowed to harrass me. Ummm...that to me is ridciulous!! He is still here!!!
I want him out of my life!! I just was told over and over "SO&SO agency opens at 9am and call them. It's short notice so you probably won't get an advocate." I NEED an advocate!! I NEED help from someone, i have no clue what to do first!!
I know I want a divorce and I want him gone. I do not want to be put up in a homeless motel (which, btw, are disgusting here trust me on this one) and do not want my kids to have to attend school somewhere else. Why won't he just leave and stop hurting us?? Waht kind of sick pleasure does he get out of it???
It's just seems so much easier to stay:(
Edited 8/16/2004 1:02 am ET ET by no_more2004
For the same reason it's easier for you to stay, it's the same for him.
CL-Blueliner4
do what needs to be done. no, its not where you want to be but you need to get away from this man. it is hard, very hard but it is even harder to stay. i tried that route. i got to the point that even looking at him made me sick. i would fly off at the handle for no reason at all. my siter thought that i was going crazy. she told me, you get mad over nothing and start yelling over little stuff. i told her i was yelling but it was for a reason. she just couldnt see it because it was deep down inside of me. you get to the point that you cant take it anymore. you have to let it out and the only way to do that is to yell and scream and tell any and everyone what you are going through and feeling. there is nothing wrong with that, given the situation that you are in.
call the national hl and get help. it is out there. and if you need to run, just run. dont think about the place you are going as a nasty place. think of it as a blessing because that is what it is.
you are in my prayers,
BIG HUGS,
shay