I can't seem to go through with anything. still stuck.
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|Thu, 12-13-2012 - 3:32am|
so I'm reading the Why Does He Do that Book and so much of it hits home for me:
Take this part:
"He blames you for the impact of his behavior: Abuse counselors say of the abusive client: When he looks at himself in the morning and sees his dirty face, he sets about washing the mirror. In other worlds, he becomes upset and accusatory when his partner exhibits the predictable effects of chronic mistreatment, and then he adds insult to injury by ridiculing her. He even uses her emotional injuries as excuses to further mistreat her. If his verbal assaults cause her to lose interest in having sex with him, for example he is angry with her. If she is depressed or upset because he tore her apart verbally the night before, he says, "if you're going to be such a drag today, why don't you go back to bed so I won't have to look at you""
The sex thing actually EXACTLY happened to me, after the fire incident my husband actually became even more interested in having sex with me and wanting it all the time, but I felt so degraded and disgusting (he'd called me the most disgusting names for literally hours and hours, then urinated on me, then chased me around the house calling me more names, then finally going outback to get the gas can and the rest well you know), so NO I did not want to have sex with him AT ALL. but I did because can you believe I thought I was being unfair to him if I didn't because he wanted it to feel closer to me and build respect. I actually remember throwing up in my own mouth and swollowing it one time because it was so gross to me. So I did become much less interested and then he confronted me one night saying that we were not having sex enough, I wasn't meeting his needs and he was mad. Then he went on to say that he needed variety, I don't even know where this part came from, saying you know "sometimes you like vanilla ice cream but every now and again maybe you want straberry" then he talks about how he and his ex were swingers and maybe we should get into that. Then later he says he lied about the swingers part and they weren't swingers. I really hadn't thought about this particular crazy fight we had where I came out so confused and just feeling like crap and worthless until reading this part in the book. When I finally said that part of the reason, realy the WHOLE reason but I was too timid to say it, that I didn't want sex was the whole fire incident. he really did get angry at me and then was basically blaming me for still feeling anything over that incident which to his mind was forever ago (it was at this time only months prior) and had already been settled. By settled I mean that he determined it was not a good thing, but I brought him to those actions and really it was ultimately my fault. and now it was my fault again for not meeting his needs.
I'm trying to also come to terms with the fact that he has never respected me and it's not all my fault. He didn't when we were dating and before any of the other issues came out. When I was pregnant he exploited my vulnerability to his advantage, ridiculed my womanhood, told me I'd be a horrid mother and that I'd lower my standards and get some D-Bag as a step-father (he made it clear that if i did have the baby he would not be a father to him/her and not be with me), and he just kept at it and at it, disparaging me for how sh**ty I was and that the only noble thing to do was abort because it would be best for the baby. I remember just crying and crying and then breaking down and saying fine I'll do it, just leave me alone. I really have to focus on this so that I remember clearly that it is not just my mistakes I've made that cause him to sometimes be abusive, to degrade, and to not have respect for me. He never did. Never. It's hard to accept though when he can be so good, so sweet, and helpful at times. Though I do recognize now that he is mostly good and sweet when I am doing things that he wants to do and going along with his vision for us. Like the house, I never really wanted to settle in his home state, but I agreed because it made him happy and I want to make him happy. Also I didn't really want to quit my job, but he's really always wanted me to quit and every now and again even say things like "i'm gong to make it so good that you'll quit your job" and also he would sometimes say things to disparage my job and how much I enjoyed it such as "You are Not your job. You need to not get so much of your identity from your job."I don't know.
So I'm just venting I suppose. I haven't done anything yet, I simply can't seem to ask for a divorce or file papers. I just can't and I don't know why. I'm still doing the No Contact thing, and it is helping I know. But eventually he's going to contact me and need answers and I'm actually sick to my stomach wondering what will happen when he finally does contact me,. How will I react? Will I stay strong and hold onto the truth, MY TRUTH, about the reality I can now see or will I as I've always done allow him to twist everything into knots and then I'll wind up apoligizing to him. I don't know. Thanks for listening. I appreciate it.