I can't seem to go through with anything. still stuck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2009
I can't seem to go through with anything. still stuck.
12
Thu, 12-13-2012 - 3:32am

so I'm reading the Why Does He Do that Book and so much of it hits home for me:

Take this part:

"He blames you for the impact of his behavior: Abuse counselors say of the abusive client: When he looks at himself in the morning and sees his dirty face, he sets about washing the mirror. In other worlds, he becomes upset and accusatory when his partner exhibits the predictable effects of chronic mistreatment, and then he adds insult to injury by ridiculing her. He even uses her emotional injuries as excuses to further mistreat her. If his verbal assaults cause her to lose interest in having sex with him, for example he is angry with her. If she is depressed or upset because he tore her apart verbally the night before, he says, "if you're going to be such a drag today, why don't you go back to bed so I won't have to look at you""

The sex thing actually EXACTLY happened to me, after the fire incident my husband actually became even more interested in having sex with me and wanting it all the time, but I felt so degraded and disgusting (he'd called me the most disgusting names for literally hours and hours, then urinated on me, then chased me around the house calling me more names, then finally going outback to get the gas can and the rest well you know), so NO I did not want to have sex with him AT ALL. but I did because can you believe I thought I was being unfair to him if I didn't because he wanted it to feel closer to me and build respect. I actually remember throwing up in my own mouth and swollowing it one time because it was so gross to me. So I did become much less interested and then he confronted me one night saying that we were not having sex enough, I wasn't meeting his needs and he was mad. Then he went on to say that he needed variety, I don't even know where this part came from, saying you know "sometimes you like vanilla ice cream but every now and again maybe you want straberry" then he talks about how he and his ex were swingers and maybe we should get into that. Then later he says he lied about the swingers part and they weren't swingers. I really hadn't thought about this particular crazy fight we had where I came out so confused and just feeling like crap and worthless until reading this part in the book. When I finally said that part of the reason, realy the WHOLE reason but I was too timid to say it, that I didn't want sex was the whole fire incident. he really did get angry at me and then was basically blaming me for still feeling anything over that incident which to his mind was forever ago (it was at this time only months prior) and had already been settled. By settled I mean that he determined it was not a good thing, but I brought him to those actions and really it was ultimately my fault. and now it was my fault again for not meeting his needs.

I'm trying to also come to terms with the fact that he has never respected me and it's not all my fault. He didn't when we were dating and before any of the other issues came out. When I was pregnant he exploited my vulnerability to his advantage, ridiculed my womanhood, told me I'd be a horrid mother and that I'd lower my standards and get some D-Bag as a step-father (he made it clear that if i did have the baby he would not be a father to him/her and not be with me), and he just kept at it and at it, disparaging me for how sh**ty I was and that the only noble thing to do was abort because it would be best for the baby. I remember just crying and crying and then breaking down and saying fine I'll do it, just leave me alone. I really have to focus on this so that I remember clearly that it is not just my mistakes I've made that cause him to sometimes be abusive, to degrade, and to not have respect for me. He never did. Never. It's hard to accept though when he can be so good, so sweet, and helpful at times. Though I do recognize now that he is mostly good and sweet when I am doing things that he wants to do and going along with his vision for us. Like the house, I never really wanted to settle in his home state, but I agreed because it made him happy and I want to make him happy. Also I didn't really want to quit my job, but he's really always wanted me to quit and every now and again even say things like "i'm gong to make it so good that you'll quit your job" and also he would sometimes say things to disparage my job and how much I enjoyed it  such as "You are Not your job. You need to not get so much of your identity from your job."I don't know.

So I'm just venting I suppose. I haven't done anything yet, I simply can't seem to ask for a divorce or file papers. I just can't and I don't know why. I'm still doing the No Contact thing, and it is helping I know. But eventually he's going to contact me and need answers and I'm actually sick to my stomach wondering what will happen when he finally does contact me,. How will I react? Will I stay strong and hold onto the truth, MY TRUTH, about the reality I can now see or will I as I've always done allow him to twist everything into knots and then I'll wind up apoligizing to him. I don't know. Thanks for listening. I appreciate it.

 

 

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Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001

~hugs~

I just read your post and wanted to reach out to you hon.

It is not your fault, never was, and you are not to blame...I went through this.

Blame game, issues about sex, my job you name it!

Take care of you, maintain no contact.

I am now seeking counselling myself.

I got out, enjoying my freedom the peace and joy that had been missing...not having to walk on egg-shells, no more worrying...

You don't realize how much Space that they take up in your head not to mention your heart.

I let him go, started believing in me again and taking care of myself.

<3

Nightangel
Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Nightangel
Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Nightangel
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2006

Undecided????? Really?????? About what?????? If that sick b-rd is ever going to change?????? Yeah, right, sure. Its a crime what he does to you, its million crimes that he commits on you, one after another, he belongs into prison for this, for a very very very long time, and should never be let out in the best of cases.

WHY ON EARTH do you not LEAVE him NOW, this very minute???????????? You only have this ONE life.

Im SPEACHLESS.

DONT READ BOOKS, JUST LEAVE HIM NOW. Get your most important belongings and go to a women shelter, you will be helped there. LEAVE NOW BEFORE HE KILLS YOU.

Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001

Rocklady, thank you for your post.  Are you also a survivor of domestic abuse?  While many of us applaud your sentiments, it's usually not that simple to "JUST LEAVE HIM NOW'.  This board supports personal empowerment, something that the abusers in our lives stripped from us.  We work very hard to regain that personal empowerment.  One of the things that comes with that is making our own decisions, doing what is RIGHT for us, WHEN the time is right for us, and doing it HOW it is right for us.  While many people can and do "JUST LEAVE HIM NOW", there are others that have other dynamics going on that simply make this impossible.  No one on this board will EVER TELL another member what to do.  The words "should, need to", etc are not often used in a post because these are words that strip a victim/survivor of their personal empowerment.  It tells them they aren't capable of making the right decisions for themselves.  Most leave taking has to be accomplished in a quiet, careful manner for the safety and security of those who are leaving.  The dynamics of domestic abuse are complex and confusing, not to mention the conditioning that has been inflicted by the abuser.  Many people no longer trust themselves to make good decisions.  It is for this reason that this board's member VERY carefully and considerately read and respond to posts.  Before "seriously_undecided" can make a safe, considered decision and start making plans for a safe, quiet exit, she has to reach some understanding of the dynamics of DV.  There's a lot of work to be done before a victim leaves, in order for that leave-taking to be safe, successful and most important of all PERMANENT.  It is for these reasons that we don't just yell, "Leave him, leave him now!"  Sometimes that is simply not possible, either from an emotional, physical, financial or whatever other reason standpoint.  As we tell our newest members, when the time is right and you are ready, you will get out.  Until then, we provide suggestions, support and education about domestic abuse.  And yes, that does include reading books, older posts, our webpages, and any other thing we can think of to educate our members and lurkers about DV.  If you would like a better understanding of domestic abuse and its convoluted dynamics, I suggest you also read Mr. Bancroft's book, "Why Does He Do That?".  Perhaps that will clear up some of your concerns and provide a little understanding.  My best to you.

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008

I remember when I wanted to leave my abusive exHusband but I literally had nowhere to go and no money to do it.. Even my therapist told me to devise a plan ; a short term plan and a long term plan for living otherwise I would have a problem down the road and she was so right.. So after carefully deciding that I wanted out for good I started my plan.. It did take awhile and because I wasnt being physically abused it was hard for me to remain in a shelter. Alot of my abuse was verbal and emotional and I had no bruises so it was hard to prove in my state.. That is just the way it was back then.. The women;s services even told me then just sue your husband for divorce and be done with it. Well I had no money to do that ei ther so I had to revise my own plan. Plus if I sued him for divorce he would have just destroyed me more than he was already doing.

At first I tried to work as much as I could and save as much money as I could and I kept going to therapy and womens services and support groups. I also attended workshops and put ex on notice with court orders and the like so that he couldnt bully me anymore. That seemed to work in the short term but when I saved enough money and found a place to go unfortunately ex really had one of his crazy episodes and they were directed at me.. Thank goodness though I had that money to  leave and I went straight to a hotel for a few weeks.

After that it was the beginning of the end. It set the ball in motion for staying out and that is just what I did and managed to get divorced and move on with my life. There was alot of emotional work though to do after I decided to stay out and it wasnt easy but it was doable.. I wouldnt discount all of the work that I did to stay out for good that time.

Just my two cents

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004

Hang in there, sounds like you are now recognizing the truth. It is so confusing. You will in your own time, come to your own conclusions, and do what's right for you. Three years later, after our divorce, I am finally coming to terms that I was abused, and that he wasn't just an a$$.! Sad that my kids had to be hurt first, there is so much guilt for me there, but I am now recognizing too. Denial no more for me.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2006

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2220903/Tina-Nash-Blind-mother-boyfriend-gouged-eyes-12-hour-attack-tells-ordeal.html

this is what can happen when you wait for too long, Undecided. I highly recommend you her book *Out of The Darkness*.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2009

Rocklady, thanks I read the article. it is horrifying what happened to that girl. My husband has never hit me though or anything like the physical injurious attacks that happened to that women prior to the incident. He has only threatened with pouring the gas on me the one time after urinating on me. In the time since he's only ever been intimadating and mean in his verbal berating or just that voice of superiority and sometimes it has even been because I did things wrong, so I don't think our situations are the same. I don't know. Maybe it can change and it's not as bad as I think it is sometimes. and maybe I'm unfair to him in building that one incident up and being afraid of him so much when he yells or gets forceful with opinions. He can be so sweet and good.

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