i can't stand his mouth

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2003
i can't stand his mouth
3
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 6:19pm
my husband of over a year (dating for 7 prior) is a generally good guy. But, with one major downfall- his mouth. He says the most horrible, horrific things to me and does not hesitate to do it infront of family (his, not mine) and my friends. A few of my friends have confronted him on it and he just doesn't get it. HiS friends have told me that I should start putting money aside- just in case. I am now pregnant with our first child, and I am so confused. I have told him time and time again that I will not allow hiom to EVER EVER speak to me in a demeaning manor infront of our shild when s/he arrives. If he does, I will leave. He doesn't take me serious. Yes, we have gone into therapy fro this a few years back and the outccome was for me to not push his buttons and allow him space when he is upset. The anger could be something so simple and not even my fault! I mean he lost his marbles on me for not agreeing with him on a donut variety for crying out loud.
He has called me every degrating thing you could possibly imagine. When he can't carve me up anymore he then moves to my family and begins to say such terrible unneccesary things about hem too.
Can someone PLEASE PLEASE help me find a way to help myself and my husband? When i draw his attention to his behaviour, I always try to remain calm and diplomatic. I work in the psychology field so that irrates him even more- he tells me to stop treating him like a patient. I am so beaten down emotionally I just don't know how to keep going- how to be strong for my baby. I feel "done." I really truley so not want to leave him, but, how do you know when to go? How do you know when enough is enough? How do you figure out where you stand and if you have passed the point of no return?
I can't stand being called another name for no reason. Even if I HAD doen something to upset him, how does one justify being so absolutly disrespectful to your spouse?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2004
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 8:06pm
He's right, he is not your patient. But you are NOT his punching bag. Because that is exactly what he is doing -- punching you with words. And as many of the amazing survivors on here can tell you, verbal abuse can leave far worse scars on your soul than blows.
I understand that you don't want to leave him, particularly since you're newlywed and pregnant, but if this has already been going on for years, and counseling only taught you how to not push his buttons or stay away from him when he gets abusive (sheesh, way to put all the pressure on you, nice going, counselor!), you might need to realize that this is one situation that may not be fixable.
As you no doubt know, being in the field, there are counselors specializing in DV situations. Please consider consulting one as soon as possible. And I am sure the ladies on here will have lots of other suggestions.
In the meantime, hugs to you and your baby. When those closest to us hurt us the most, it feels like the ultimate betrayal.
--Fran
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 10:58am
He's not a 'great guy'. He's only 'great' when everyone kisses his butt, and everything is going his way. That doesn't make his 'great'. I think your problem will resolve in time by itself. Any man who treats his wife in such a disrespectful, shameful manner will be bound to be a lousy influence to a child. If you stick with him long enough for the baby to be born I am sure you will end it once he starts cussing you out in front of the baby. I think your friends are bang on about putting money aside. Once your baby is born, and you realize you adore it so much, it will be easier to say 'no child of mine will be raised in such a powder keg environment'. You will put your child ahead of any mean mouthed, arrogant man. That counselor was an idiot-----isn't that what they have told abused women for years---don't provoke him. Thats ridiculous. You have every right to be treated with respect, and you are 100% allowed to disagree with your partner and not be abused for it. What a horrific example he would set for any child. You are too smart to raise a child in this sick type of 'home'.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 11:23am

Riley, this is very severe verbal abuse, and he does it to control you.