I can't stand it anymore.
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I can't stand it anymore.
| Sat, 04-01-2006 - 1:39pm |
I can't stand it anymore. I want to call him so bad. I want him to say he's sorry. I want him to know I wasn't with anybody else. I can't stop crying and shaking. The kids have been watching TV all day. What do I do?? Other people just don't understand.
not strong at all today
not strong at all today

(((Hugs)))
You know, many woman say that leaving their abusive marriage was the hardest thing they ever did. I personally disagree. Packing my bags, putting the kids in the car and driving away was VERY easy in comparison to the effort it took to STAY AWAY! NOT getting back together with my STBX was the single hardest thing I ever did. Even now, more than a year later, I STILL have a hard time with it and I STLL have doubts about
I can think of at least three times that I actually hit or threw something at him. He never hit me. He told me he was mean at times because he couldn't hit a woman. I feel so bad about this. He drove me so crazy at times!! I can't help thinking, "Did I bring alot of this on?" Actually, I guess I abused him. One time I know I hurt him because he was scaring me in bed. I also called the police that night. Another time he was interrogating me after I gave another guy a hug good-bye (with my BF at the same place) I got so mad I hit him and kicked his car. I also said I wanted to kill myself and he called 911 and the police came. (So I have a report on me)It seems like when I stood up for myself he got worse and so did I. But did I start it all to begin with? He said I made him feel unimportant. Sometimes he made me feel unimportant. Boy, am I messed up it seems like I can't differentiate between the two of us. I took on alot of his traits and did things that he did. He would question me about who I talked to so I started doing it to him. Also, there were many problems when we drank too much. He is an alcoholic but I could drink alot with him at times. ( I don't think I am an alcoholic because I can go for weeks without drinking and I also can have just one drink and stop.) My life feels like such a mess! I feel like I am marked as crazy forever! I don't see it getting any better.
Hon, he will never say he is sorry, because he is not. He will never admit that you were not with anyone else, because it does not suit his purposes to do so. You just have to try your very hardest to remember these two things, because they are the solemn truth.
I remember how badly I wanted Leon-the-Loony to understand what he had done. I wanted him to understand that what he did was wrong, wrong, wrong, and I wanted him to understand why. And you know, all I ever got out of him was a parroted "Yeah, it was wrong. Can we move on now?" You see, he didn't actually believe he had done anything wrong, much less understand or care why he was wrong. He just said that it was because he knew that that was what I wanted to hear.
When I last heard from him, in 2004 and 4 years after the fact, he still had no clue as to why I wanted no part of him, or what was so wrong with what he had done. Oh, I had told him. I'd done everything you want to do to "get him to understand", and then some. But, the bottom line was that he did not get it, he did not WANT to get it, because all he cared about was getting his way. I am entirely confident that even now, six years later, he STILL does not get it, and never will.
The point of all this is that in order to heal, you have to let it go. You will have to accept that he will never do what you want, that he is not capable of it, and focus on building a new life without him. I won't lie, it will be very hard, but it is so worth it. You can do it. Just DON'T PICK UP THAT PHONE!