I did it! and feel AWFUL, please help?
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| Tue, 07-05-2005 - 6:06pm |
Hi, I don't know if there is anyone on here that remembers me (it has been a long time since posted), but I finally did it and ended things. Unfortunately I did this over the pphone, as he has been visiting his family for the past couple of weeks and was going to come back and then we had plans to move away together to another place....and I realized how i didn't want to do this anymore. It was the most horrific experience I have ever been through, in all honesty. How do you continue to cope?
It was beyond awful-went from being angry at me and yelling (to which I hung up) to
calling me back 15 times so I picked up, then we went around for 3 hours.
He told me I was the most heartless person in the world, that he thought he
knew me, to telling me that I just broke his heart and stomped on it, to
saying that "i couldn't NOT move away with him because I had a committment
and that would be going back on my word" to begging me to at least "come to
and help him move, that at least we could talk about it in
person" to begging me, and probably some more things that I have left out. I
stayed pretty true to my word, he kept saying if I hung up this phone that I
would never see or hear from him again, that he'd delete my numbers and
emails if I ever tried to talk to him (*I
tried to ease the blow with a "serious break", which might have been a bad idea),
because he told me I was crazy to think this would work out.....I tried to
make it short and sweet at first, obviously that didn't work out, he kept
trying to convince me that I was making the most "ridiculous and worst
decision anyone has ever made", that how could I do this to him at this most
crucial time in his life.....I brought up everything, all his comments, his
lack of respect for me, etc. He told me he would definitely change, I told
him that we had been through this before and nothing had changed-he said that
it had never gotten to this point before and he swore he would change, that us moving away would be good for us and we would start a new life
and careers together.....
Anyway, I am rambling. When we finally hung up, he asked if I was going to think about it, and i said of course, this is the worst
thing I've ever been through, and he finally said, then, ok, we'll talk in a few
days? To which I said fine, bye. I can NOT go through that conversation all
over again, have him begging me again or who knows what tactic he will pull
next.....but my god, I wouldn't wish that experience on an ANYONE.
So, that was 4 days ago and I haven't heard from him. All of our stuff is in a storage unit together, I have the dog, etc. I don't know how i am going to see him and go through this. I tried to break it off on the phone b/c I was too scared to do it in person and i would probably get talked out of it. And then I finally got really sad and lonely last night, realizing how alone I was. This feeling is just awful, and the guilt is horrendous, that i am responsible for someone elses' sadness.
Advice?

Honey you need to take a deep breath and calm down.
Welcome back -
I've said this before, YOU are not responsible for HIS happiness.
CL-Blueliner4
Hey,
Consider this an opportunity. In your gut you feel that it is wrong...it should not be this way, ever. If this guy was truy a nice human being and wanted you, he wouldn't be telling you how ridiculous you are, but work hard to get you back...he's pulling all the attention on himself. I know this is really hard, but think about it...You're lucky, no children, no home together yet. You need to take some time all by yourself and do some soul searching.
I will think about you, you've got some life choices to make.
Terry
Oh, my god, honey - you just lived through a tornado, that's what you did. Where to start? You have EVERY RIGHT to end a relationship that hurts you or makes you uncomfortable. He surely ought to be ashamed of guilting you for that; just as surely he won't be. He is a hundred percent wrong for abusing you over the fact that you don't want him to abuse you any more; but they all do it.
You are not responsible for his "sadness," if indeed he is sad at all. If he feels any true hurt, he did it to himself. It's extremely hard to see at first with his training so fresh in your mind, but it is his fault. If he wanted you around, all he had to do was be normal and human. You've plenty of love to give and you would have stuck around and enjoyed it had he given it back. He didn't. His choice, his fault, his loss.
He proved himself by the way he treated you when you called (and I am SO glad you didn't try to suffer through this face to face!). He yelled at you, attacked your insecurities, used emotional blackmail. He changed his tactics when the ones he was using didn't work. He didn't act so sad, did he, until he found out anger wouldn't get his way for him? He also broke you down - got you to back off from a real ending to a "serious break." He was somewhat satisfied when you said you weren't sure and agreed to another discussion (I hear "torture session"). He's planning to break you down.
He SAID he would change before, but never SWORE he would? Okay, so it's okay to lie as long as you don't say, "I swear." He's grasping.
Honey, do anything necessary to avoid that next browbeating. Change your phone number. Get an order for him to stay away from your home. Do you have access to that storage unit, or is he the only one allowed to open it? If you can go there, take YOUR things, leave his. If he has all the keys, get the storage place to cut the lock off, replace it, and mail him the keys. If he's the only one with legal access, go to court to claim your things. Act on that before he gets back or he may use your stuff as leverage or just destroy it. Don't meet him to get your things. You've made it clear that no contact is what will feel good and right; it will also break his hold on you.
I'm sorry if this sounded like a tidal wave. I'm so proud of you for doing such a beautiful, right and positive thing. I'm also concerned over his effect on you. Please take it on faith that you are right and he is very, very wrong. You owe him nothing. You owe yourself tomorrow. Take the best care of yourself. Get some rest and do something to pamper yourself. Keep us posted and hang on. Big hugs.
My advice? I also felt terrible terrible guilt ... completely ridiculous given the fact that he was a grown adult who CHOSE to abuse me - but none-the-less, he truly DID (does?) have nothing without us, his home, etc. & yes, I kept the dogs too. & he adores the dogs ... but you knwo what? When he abused me, he gave UP that right to have them - nevermind his family.
How did i stay strong? The RO is the *******ONLY******* way i made it thru without backing down b/c of the guilt & fear. Beleive me, I was terrified he would commit suicide when this all happened. That No Contact/RO was the only way he COULDNT get to me emotionally (nevermind physically) & having no contact with him gave me the strength to keep going. And, i filed for divorce FAST, within 3 weeks of his being removed, b/c i was afraid to wait too long & have 2nd thoughts.
I have to say, we dont DO this, leave, get them out, etc - for just any reason. Its life altering, its terrifying & it hurts. But there is
I went through almost an identical situation when I left, so can relate. I called him to tell him I was leaving and divorcing him. His first words were 'oh, so you beat me to the punch...'. But then the rest of the words were pretty much the same as you described. I came to realize that it may be somewhat true that AHL's heart somehow felt a twinge of pain for what I did. It had to have been the first twinge of pain that heart had ever felt though. Unfortunately, he was breaking, and stepping all over my heart for the last 14 years. I can't stop any pain on his side, but was reassured that my motives were only to stop the pain on MY side, and there was an overwhelming amount of that. Also, he used accusations of how stupid, wrong, blah blah blah I was, similar to what you got. If you were as bad as what he is describing, then don't you think you are doing him a favor to end your cruel tyranny over him? Seems to me, though, that the cruelty was coming from him and not you.
I went through a lot of phases after that phone call. The worst of them were within the first two months about. I was at first shaky, feeling tremendous guilt, shame, doubt, but I pressed forward anyhow. I don't think it is possible to avoid those feelings, but you can keep yourself surrounded by your support group of people who will help reassure you. Sometime later I started having more confidence about what I did. Honestly it was because his behavior following the call was so astoundingly arrogant, cruel, and malicious that I was pretty much convinced that I made the right decision. Seems once these guys realize they are not going to push you over with nasty words and threats, they start looking for even the smallest way to hurt you. For me much of it was trying to cost me as much money as possible, steal as much as possible, calling and emailing threats, making threats in the court room. Anything to push the buttons. For this reason I hid out of town until the worst had blown over. AHL had threatened to kill me, along with himself and other people plenty of times. He had also threatened to kidnap my son. So the precaution I still think was a wise one. So do consider how he might retaliate against you now that you are out of his verbal control. Some are worse than others from what I have heard, but sounds like it is a pretty common behavior, so do be careful. Eventually they will probably wear themselves out and find something else to do with their time.
It was a very brave thing to do what you did, and I understand how the feeling afterward is so aweful. But that feeling will pass and will eventually be replaced with positive feelings that you may not have felt for a very long time while the abuser was around. And probably doing it by phone was by far the safest way about it. And you are absolutely not responsible for his feelings, only your own. And you took the first step to correcting your hurt feelings and improving your life.
Hi there-
And thanks to all for responding, it helps. I wanted to clarify a few things going on these days, which might explain some stuff. We live in this small town. Our plan was to move somewhere else together "start a new life" so to speak. He was on a vacation for over a month, partly my idea as well so he is not to be blamed for that. I think in the back of my mind I was figuring out a way to get some space in general. So, I was going to finish out work and he was going to make some money on his extended vacation, we packed up all of our stuff, moved out of our apartment and put all our stuff in storage. He actually put it in storage, I do not know where or even what the name of the storage place is. The storage unit is a few hours away from where I live now. I have to go up there for a wedding, so we had plans to go to the wedding (i am in it) and meet there and then drive across the country.
So, as you can see, there are a LOT of logistics that unfortunately I still have to deal with. All of our stuff is basically combined. He doesn't want to be left carting all our furinture across the country by himself. And the dog is originally his.
Last night I got a few text messages from him, saying can we please talk, that he is freaking out....i said i was exhausted and couldn't talk....he said are you saying your decision is still the same, I said there wasn't any more to say, he said PLEASE reconsider your decision, that he was scared of what i might say. I didn't respond to the last one, yet I know we have to work all this out. He actually was a lot better right before he left, but I just think I have worn out my feelings the way they SHOULD feel. At the same time this guilt is INCREDIBLE and I do not hate him. I really think he thinks he can change (i know, I know, only 1% do, but there is a part of me that feels i owe it to him to give another chance? or not. The thought of being lonely is really scary too).
Thanks again..........
Hon, how many more chances is he going to get?
CL-Blueliner4