I dont' know how to help - giving up
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| Tue, 12-06-2005 - 8:29pm |
My very best friend for 25 years married a violant, abusive, sexual predator against the advice of people that know and love her. She is 58 and he is 59. He was beating her, damaging her property, stalking her, etc BEFORE she married him. I didn't attend the wedding because I could not support the marriage. Maybe I was wrong... I don't know.
I will try to make this short. They were both married to others. They divorced and then married each other. Prior to their marriage, he was abusing her on a regular basis, pushing, shoving, slapping, throwing her up against the wall, breaking things ( like windshields) ripping shelves off the walls.. basically he was out of control and was raging. It got worse and worse. She thought once they were married it would stop. I tried to talk to her, support her and educate her about abuse - that this was NOT a loving man.
I went out to visit her before they were married. He was INSANELY jealous of she and I spending time together. He accused us of having sex ( would not happen in a million years!!!) and he tried to choke her and tossed her around. He threw a very large and heavy crock pot at me - and missed me by an inch- it left a dent in the kitchen floor. I called the police, they came, she begged me NOT to file charges and against my best judgement I did not. ( we live 2000 miles apart - and she said she would pay the price when I left if I filed the charges.)
This man is out of control. He takes 4 and 5 viagra a day- especially when he is angry at her and will systematically rape her for hours while she cries. Then he will be sweet as pie for the next day and then it starts up again. She married this creep against my warning her that the violence would not go away. It didn't.
Not only is he violent but he has a sexual addiction and an addiction to viagra. He constantly would demand that my friend ask her co workers for their involvement in 3 somes, etc. If she didn't do as asked he would beat her and threaten to kill her or her pets. Thankfully none of the co workers took them up on the request. However, he showed particular interest in younger workers under the legal age of consent. I warned her over and over again about the legal ramifications. She said she understood and was trying to work it out with him so he understood the legal issues.
While she was visiting me this fall, he called to say he was being questioned by the police. Long story short, he had been having a sexual relationship with the daughter of their friends. It started when the daughter was 14- she is 16 now. She tried to break it off and he flipped out and scared her enough that she went to her parents. During the investigation, he blamed my friend for "saying no too much". He also denied all of the charges. He tapped her phone, hacked her email and followed her to work and home. He never let her out of his site. She was getting scared and I advised her to call the police. She did and the PD pushed to arrest him for the sex with a minor and also had my friend file an assault and battery charge against him. She filed an emergency TPO.
Now, 2 months later, I find out she had been talking to him and meeting him for dinner, etc. She blames herself for his getting arrested as her criminal complaint pushed the DA to arrest him for the sex charge. He went with him to his arraigment and his court date is in 2 months. I was apalled when she told me she had HIS attorney qaush the TPO and she did not refile it for a year. She seems to think that once the trial is over and he gets parole that she can file for divorce and all will be well.
I think he will kill her.
The only reason he has not come out to where she lives, is that he has been too worried about saving his own butt. HE is the one that brought up cancelling the TPO. He talks about the new RULES in the marriage once he gets off. I am just worn out and wiped out.
I have supported her emotionally. I have helped her financially. I have tried to be a good friend and like a sister. But now, I feel like not only did I put myself at risk ( he knows I have been advising her about the legal stuff and I don't doubt he would kill me if given half a chance...)but I am having stress related issues myself. I don't want to let her down, but I just can't go on. I am so afraid that he will kill her. I have seen it in his eyes, he has told her on more than one occasion he would.
How can I continue to be supportive, if she is making all the wrong decisions. She talks about how when he is good, he is such a good person... I told her that is manipulation.
RF

I'm agreeing with Skycat.