I don't know if this classifies as abuse
Find a Conversation
I don't know if this classifies as abuse
| Sun, 02-15-2004 - 11:26am |
I have been separated and divorced for three years. I married my high school sweetheart, who turned out to not be so sweet.
My ex would have sex with me while I was sleeping. This happened over a period of about twelve years. I threatened to leave him when it first happened, but I loved him so I stayed. He also promised it would never happen again. It happened sometimes very often, and sometimes it wouldn't happen for months. When we were separating, my ex told me that it was my fault because I didn't satisfy him.
I feel guilty because I didn't do something about it. This is far from the only reason for our separation, but I welcome your thoughts whether as to how abusive this is.

Pages
Welcome to the Board sb.
I am struggling with the issue now that my ex's mother wants to know why we split up. I am not sure whether my has just refused to tell her, or if he just doesn't want her to know this. He told everyone I was having an affair and I think she believes this. Its not true.
Should I bring everything out in the open. After three years, everyone still thinks the break up was my fault. I would like to clear the air, but I am afraid my ex will go crazy if he finds out.
Hi sb and welcome -
I don't see how telling your XILS anything is going to help.
CL-Blueliner4
Hi, and thank you for replying, you make me feel a lot better.
My ex and I went to counselling prior to separating, and the counsellor didn't seem to understand my story and why I couldn't let go. Like you said, I guess we needed someone specialized in this area. When I told my ex he was raping me, he was horrified and refused to believe what I had just said to him. My ex wanted to start fresh like a new beginning, but it was too late for me.
The reason for bringing everything out in the open is we have a court hearing in just over two months, and my ex's G/F told me yesterday they are going to "drag me through the mud", as much as the judge will hear. I don't think he has told her all the stuff that went on between us, so she is in for a surprise. It will be a he said, she said, and I only told one friend that I don't want to involve in the court proceedings.
Why are you going to court?
CL-Blueliner4
Welcome and please continue to post any questions/thoughts you have! In re: to your question...its interesting because my h used to do the SAME thing to me...that is, until I started sleeping downstairs, away from him. It wasn't until I read another post about the same thing and someone called it "rape" did I realize that something was wrong with this behavior of his. Like you, I would wake up to having sex or near having sex with my h. If I woke before it actually occurred or while he was "groping" me I would push/shove him away....but then sometimes I wouldn't.
The strangest thing is that my h always appeared to be sleeping as well and claimed that he was sleeping during this process and would have no recollection of some of the groping incidents in the morning...he always seemed quite disturbed about it. (of course, he remembered the sex....you really can't sleep through that).
One poster actually sent information about a sleep disorder in which some men (and women?) actually engage in sex during deep sleep without the mental cognition....kind of sleepwalking...they called it "sleep sex". Of course, I read this....and are more thoroughly confused in my particular case.
In your case, though...I would consider it abusive, though....jmo.
dharma
Sex when you're asleep or otherwise unable to give your consent is most definitely abuse, at a minimum. At worst, it's rape. I suggest you get yourself some counseling. I found that the result of this behavior for me was severe damage to my self esteem and a belief that sex was the only thing I was good for and I wasn't even worthwhile enough to have an option as to whether I engaged in it or not.
Oh yeah, my H told me that he was pretty much asleep when the act started; ie. the groping, etc. But at some point he came awake and was turned on and then it became my problem because I didn't push him away. DUH! I was sound asleep. I work pretty much full time and raise 2 kids. Like I'm really going to be into sex when I could be sleeping!!!! LOL.
Anyway, honey, now that your eyes are open to this, you'll probably begin to realize alot more about your H and his actions that were abusive. Like the other posters, I can't explain this phenomena, but its most definitely abuse. He should have realized he was doing this a long time ago and gotten some help. JMHO.
Keep posting here. You'll find alot of board members who can relate to this type of abuse. Love and hugs to you!
ex doesn't do anything with the kids and is just such a jerk about everything. His mom called last week and was crying about how ex doesn't get to see his kids much. I guess that's why he dropped them off 1/2 hour early yesterday from his weekend visit. Give me a break.
PS - I haven't told my boss yet about what my ex did to me. I worked for someone else when we separated. I told another lawyer friend though.
And, ex's hot headed girlfriend is training to be a social worker. I wouldn't want that Bi!ch dealing with my kids at the ministry, that's for sure.
He's helping me do my own divorce (I figure I can probably handle most of it, since I divorce other people all the time!), and he's helping me make *objective* decisions about how to proceed. Maybe your boss can help you, too? Please keep posting and let us know how things are going with you.
Love & Hugs,
Emm
I am going to have a talk with him soon as our court hearing is coming up in a couple of months. I have been dragging my feet about the whole thing really.
I did my own separation agreement and divorce with the assistance of my employers. Its really nice having a free lawyer, something most people on this forum do not have the pleasure of. Also, because of where I work, I have the immediate assistance of the police if needed. They seem to be pretty on top of things. I feel like all I do is complain at work, but I know my employer is sympathetic and he just doesn't know where my ex is coming from. He may see the light when he learns about all this though...
My very best friend is a criminal attorney specializing in sex cases. Even though he works for the bad guys, he still is full of lots of information and always lends his shoulder for me to cry on.
Pages