I don't know what to do anymore

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
I don't know what to do anymore
7
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 10:48am
I posted a few weeks ago. My husband has been verbally abusive ever since we were married 3 1/2 years ago. Now that I have just about had it and my attitude reflects this, he has decided that he doesn't want to lose me. He says that realizes that he has been hard on me and he is sorry, he didn't mean anything that he has said. That lasted about a day in a half. Last night he decided that I am trying to find someone else, probably on the internet and that I am not being fair to him by doing that. He is angry again and now everything is my fault. He has been accusing me of trying to find someone else since we got married. I'm not trying to find anybody else, no matter what I say, he doesn't believe me though, he never has. When I say fine, you're going to believe whatever you want to believe anyway, he takes it the wrong way and says that means that I am doing something. He woke me up at 5:00 this morning to argue with me about it.....I don't get up until 6:30. I have been trying to do everything I can to show him I love him, I try to take care of everything around the house so he doesn't have to worry about anything because he says that he has so much stress. I told him I only go to message boards and they are WOMEN message boards, but he doesn't think it is fair that I talk to anybody, he thinks that I'm leaving him out I guess. I can't talk to him about most things though because he always takes it the wrong way and tries to make me into being a bad guy when I am far from that. I'm just so hurt and confused and I feel like a yo-yo.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 11:00am

This is typical in a situation like this.

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 11:09am

((((Morgantlsmom))))

I feel your pain and can certainly relate to how you feel. God knows I've been there. I hung in with my abusive XH for several years until the Lord, a really great Christian therapist and "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans, enabled me to see that I was fighting a losing battle and that I had to leave him in order to save myself. Not just to save myself, but to live the life that God meant for me to live.

Because your H is abusive, I feel compelled to tell you that you are in a no-win situation. Statistically, less than 1% of abusers change, and those who do really have to want to change, get in long and intensive therapy, and STAY committed to changing for the better. Nevertheless, I can tell from your post that you've tried hard to please him, and do and say everything "right" so that he won't get upset and give you a hard time.

Please continue reading these boards and posting here, but try to do it when he's not around. You are not alone. Remember that we are here to support and encourage you.

If you decide to leave, don't tell him you're leaving and don't discuss any of your plans with him. Pray hard for God to give you guidance and then move forward in faith. God provided a way of escape for me back in Feb. 03 while my XH was at work, and even placed friends and others in my path to help me leave safely.

Think long and hard about what you want and the kind of life you want to live. Remember that you deserve to be happy. Life is too short to spend it being miserable and being abused by anyone, especially your H.

All the best,
Heymum

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 11:23am
Thanks, I might have to use that one day. One problem is that I have a full-time job and I access the internet from work, not home. I he says that I have to work to help pay bills, but he always thinks that I am going to find someone else here. I told him I wouldn't work if that would make him happy, but he thinks that I will just be meeting someone at the house. I am not that kind of person, never have been. I had the same thing last night. He wanted to "love" on me in the middle of the night, that was before the "discussion". I can't do anything for 2 weeks because I just had a biopsy of my cervix done, so he says that I don't want him anymore. I just feel like I am going crazy. I feel sorry for him when he starts crying and hugging on me and begging me not to leave him. He knows that I don't have anywhere to go and I have sunk all of my money that I had saved and all of my 401K into the house we just built. I don't have a dime left except what I make at work.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 11:50am
Oh mercy I know what you mean about the biopsy being done on your cervix.
5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 11:30am
My husband is being sooooo nice to me the past couple of days. He is helping around the house, took me out to eat & to a movie (1st time in 3 years), sent me flowers (1st time in over 3 years), he wants to hug and cuddle & talk. The problem is he is sorry as he says he is for everything he has ever said and done, I don't believe him anymore. He says that he doesn't want to lose me, that I am his life and he can't make it without me. He has never sounded this sincere before. He is still accusing me of trying to find someone else though and is watching my every move. He followed me upstairs because that is where the home computer is and stayed there while I was there, I know he was watching to make sure I didn't get on it. He thinks I am looking for someone else on-line. It makes me feel uncomfortable and I don't trust that he is telling me the truth about being sorry. Maybe it is wrong, but I just keep waiting for everything to break loose again and him to go back to the way he was. It may take a few months, but I don't want to be taken off guard when it does. I have made up my mind that the next time it does happen.....that is it. I can't take it when he is mean and hateful, but I can't take this feeling like a yo-yo either.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 12:01pm

I believe the reason he is being all nicey nice is part of the honeymoon phase.

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 12:59pm

Thank you so much. That article told me a lot. I have been in abusive relationships before, a lot worse than this one. But, I still didn't know all the facts that I should. The articles that I have been reading are helping me a lot to recognize what is going on and to one day try to do something about it. I think it is hard for me because he is trying to be so good and crying and saying how much he needs me. I don't want to be with somebody that needs me, I want to be with someone who wants me. It's also hard because I've been in abusive relationships before and at least he doesn't hit me. It's also it's so embarassing to keep getting in this situation. I'm tired of starting over too.

Tammie