I don't know what to do. . . (long)

Avatar for terrihart99
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
I don't know what to do. . . (long)
4
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 8:23am
Hello, I'm not even sure I should be posting on this board, as I read some of the other posts I may have no business even sharing my story. My husband and I have been together for 7 years married for 6 of them, he has been divorced twice, and myself once. In the beginning everything was just like a fairy tale, he would leave me notes, he would sing to me promise me the world etc. Then he started to express that he wanted some pain involved with our sex life and he wanted me to I guess be the dominate person and punish him for the wrong things he did and so on. then I guess I wasn't doing what he wanted or doing it the right way so he decided if I wasn't going to be the dominate one he would. At one point we separated and said he would never make me do those things again. WRONG!! After a while he started again said he couldn't explain why he needed it but he did. One time he punished me with a switch because I wasn't following the rules and afterwards he felt like a heel he said and swore to me he wouldn't do it again. Well, wrong again. I have expressed to him how I feel about this stuff but he just wont listen. I have rules I'm supposed to follow such as making sure I lose weight, clean the house keep myself done up (makeup and hair done) etc. I also have to do what he calls training and I don't know how explicit I can get I don't want to offend anyone but oral sex, anal play and stuff like that. he never makes love to me and if I do everything right and follow the rules I get presents, I get long back rubs and he's happy with me, if I refuse to do it he treats me like crap, like he wont talk to me and I know what's bothering him it's the fact that I wont do the things he wants me too or not give him what he wants. We moved to north carolina for his job and things seemed to be going really good as far as our sex life was concerned then again he started to tell me what to do, he would even go as far as leave me emails everyday for the things I had to do that day. Now he has never punched me or beat me up or threatened me or not let me go places or control the money or anything like that he just spanks me sometimes with his hand sometimes with a belt and this happened yesterday the thing that bothers me the most I think is that sometimes I go along with this stuff just to make him happy. so if I don't follow a rule I have to go to him and tell him and ask for my punishment. And i think it's my fault because sometimes I let him do it just so he is nice to me I miss the man I thought I married the one who was passionate, and loving and had such a soft touch. I'm so confused because yesterday and before if he was hurting me I would ask him to stop and he wont I've even been put in the corner. I'm supposed to keep my private area shaved because he doesn't like the hair. We have no children together but I had two kids and he had three when we met. When we moved from new york my son decided to stay with his father. I think some of the reason is because my husband always blamed stuff on him. now my son is with his dad and I gave him permission to stay there but I can't help but think that it's my fault he stayed with his dad. My step daughter is a total pain in the ass and has gotten in trouble as far as her not listening to me and she has been around drugs and stealing and she just is an all around bad kid. I get in more trouble than she does. My stepson abused his little sister who is 10 he put his hands down her pants and licked her boobs (she said) and I told my husband about it and he talked to him but I don't know exactly what was said and I expected my husband to go crazy when he found out but he did the complete opposite and was very calm. Then I found out that my stepson also tried to do this to my daughter who luckily is very strong physically and mentally but now I want to beat the living daylights out of my step son and I don't even want him in my house it's like it never happened that is how he handled it and my step son said he gets picked on at school because he's not experienced and I said to my husband and that gives him a right to do that to my step daughter? he goes NO and I said did you ask him about doing that to shelby and he acted like he didn't here me and said what? I don't know what to do or even if there is anything I can do. I don't work out of the home so I have no resources of my own I just want my husband back. His exwife one time said to me you have no idea what I went through with him, she doesn't stay in contact with the girls she had with him and he has always had custody of all three of the kids. she claims he stole the girls and she every now and then 3 times in 7 years been in contact with them she is one of those mothers that you can't even call a mother. anyway I'm so depressed and confused I was beat by a boyfriend I had in high school and this is nothing like that it's completely different and I don't know what to do can someone please tell me what is going on? I'm at the end of my rope I love my husband but I don't know how to get help for him and for me and for my marriage.

thanks

terri
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2004
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 11:45am
Dear terrihart,

You are definitely on the right board, I posted last night on the new beginnings board. I am new at this because I just broke up with my ex-boyfriend of 3 years in June and he already has a new victim. But for ME the sex stuff and believe me I had the same stuff going on as you what it ended up doing to me was it ripped me of any self-esteem I had my whole happy personality changed and my friends noticed, now they know about the sex stuff but at the time I was ashamed and he had me so convinced that all men are like that. My ex was married 3 times too and the mother of his children gave him the kids(all losers) and disappeared for years now I know why. Right now I'm dealing with withdrawal and its hard since he did move on and his new girlfriend is in the big honeymoon period lots of gifts and trips. The other women on this board will have alot to say to you the postings have helped me so much.

Keep posting.

Helene

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2004
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 12:25pm
Hi Terri,

How are you doing today?

I read your post. I read it, and I thought about it, and thought about it some more. Terri, the only thing that I can say is that this sounds absolutely crazy. This is a crazy situation that you are living in. This is NOT normal at all. I understand that you love your husband very much and that he doesn't beat you in the sense that you are a physically battered woman, and I understand that he doesn't control the money or control where you go etc. However, for women who are abused that way, those are the forms of abuse their partners chose to control them... Your situation is a little different in the fact that he is still allowing your sanity, your freedom, and your safety WHILE he is abusing the heck out of you!!!!!

You are living with a REAL manipulator. You are living with someone who not only enjoys that kind of lifesyle but would honestly never in his life believe that there was anything wrong with it... which frankly, there wouldn't be anything wrong with it IF he was with someone who liked that kind of thing too. But you don't. And you have expressed that to him many times and the fact that he doesn't stop, and stop for good, means that that is just who he is and what he is in to.

His children are falling into that same pattern, your children are suffering from it as well. I know that it is hard because you do love him so much, you don't have that burning hate for him that many of us (including me) have for our abusers, so you are fully soaked in the LOVE factor which is going to make it so hard for you to make any decisions regarding this at all. This is a very unique situation you are in, yes, but it is abusive non-the-less. You are being abused, Terri. You are being manipulated, and you are only going to see this continue and probably get worse. You should not have to "take your punishment" to get love from your husband, that is NOT love at all. You should NOT have to do things that make you feel uncomfortable so that he will approve of you. That is NOT normal. No body is going to tell you that you shouldn't love this person, of course you love him, and you have great reasons for loving him... but Terri, Loving him doesn't mean that you have to live like that.

Please see a councelor who specializes in situations like this. Try to get him to go also. You've already come here to us, so you know in your heart that this isn't how you want your life to be, it takes a lot of courage just admitting that. Great Job, Terri. Now lets get this figured out by getting you to see someone who can explain all of this behavior to you, give you information, and give you more understanding and hope of what your options are.

Thanks for posting, Terri.

jen

Avatar for terrihart99
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 6:23am
Thank you both for taking the time to talk to me, You are both right. I used to be such a warm and loving person, I'm the type that cries at the christmas coffee commercials ha ha. Now i find myself being cold and uncaring about much of anything. I don't want to be like this. My mom died in 97 of cancer she was my rock I'm the youngest of eight children and there is 21 years difference between myself and the oldest so we aren't very close. They were more like parents to me than brothers and sisters. I think I'm a pleaser because I would try to do what they wanted me to do whether I wanted to or not at one point after my mom died my one sister said the only time she could remember mom and dad really fighting was when mom got pregnant with me after my dads vasectomy, so that was a crushing fact and my sister said it was all proved that I was. When I left my husband a few years back my family thought I was nuts, my other sister threatened to take my kids from me because I was involved with someone whom I didn't know at the time was an abuser and had beat up his last wife but he knew everything to say and do. so I fell for it. obviously my husband and I got back together but not before my other sister said if you want my honest opinion you are not dads child. At this time my dad was going through colon cancer so I was told not to say anything and my brothers said to me what would your mother say about all this and what would she think if she knew you were saying that dad is not your dad? They took what my sister said and turned it around on me. It was my fault. I got pregnant when I was sixteen by the guy who used to abuse me in high school and I really never had any choice but to terminate the pregnancy they guy said to me I wont believe it till you bring it back in a plastic bag. So I guess I've been the screw up in my family or so they think. in our town my family was it we weren't rich far from it but everyone knew my family "The Nelson's" they are such great people, everything came easy to us sports, music, everything. I would lie just to tell them what they wanted to hear. I miss my mom and I don't want my daughter to go through any of this she is very strong willed and at 12 she is 5'6 and built like a brick **** house. lol she is gorgeous has my dads blue eyes etc. I guess I'm just rambling here all the years of other people telling me what I should and shouldn't do have made me suffer because it's like I don't have a mind of my own, as far as the hate for my husband? it's definitely there but I just don't know what to do about it. I hope to talk to you guys some more though and I don't know where to seek professional help or what kind of help to get so if you have any thoughts or ideas or just know what I'm to do next please let me know.

thanks so much

blessings,

terri
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 10:36am

Hi, Terri, and welcome to the board.

Mama Harmony