I don't know what to think anymore...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
I don't know what to think anymore...
1
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 1:44am
It started with us just arguing... It then led to pushing and shoving. I didn't think it would go as far as it did. The first time he showed signs of WANTING to hit me was after we got married... I was 5months pregnant. I was upset at the fact that he had to go back to the base and I had to keep dealing with the pregnancy completely alone. He held me down on the bed and tried his hardest not to yell at me until he couldn't hold it any longer... It was the first time he had ever screamed at me. His eyes were teary he had already broken his promise. It got worse once we started living together... I moved to with him to where he was stationed next after our son was born. On the way here we fought in the motel room... there he only pulled my hair. When we started living in our house, it seemed as if all our secrets were just coming out... leaving no day with out a "You never told me that" argument. then he started slapping me whenever I would get him upset...whenever I said something that he didn't like. I asked him so many times just to send me home... I even assured him that I wouldn't leave him, but he wouldn't let me go home... he WONT let me go home. My only escape, that is before I found this site, was talking to a neutral friend of ours...or really his. I knew she would not just take my side she would want to know his side also. when he found out I was speaking to her about it he became furious. Our fights got out of hand, we started punching each other. OUR SON JUST WATCHED, THAT'S THE PART I HATE THE MOST... HE JUST KEPT WATCHING. At the end of every fight he said sorry. At the end of that particular fight he held me and cried with me. We were fine for soo long but then the problems came again... more secrets being revealed or just anything. He was stressed out with school and I was stressed out with the baby. On this day he wasn't feeling well the day before we had argued and he left to school upset with me and I was upset with him. When he came home he called his mother, I guess he couldn't take our fighting anymore, and told her that he missed her and the old days of being at home... he told her that we we'e fighting more and more but that it wasn't anything TOO BAD. When I heard him say that I just rolled my eyes. Later on we were watching tv and our son started crying. I remembered that I had asked him to go buy some orajel whenever he got out of school... this was my mistake I belive... I told him "instead of crying on the phone to your mom you should've gone and bought the orajel" He got so mad, he punched my leg while holding the baby, he punched in the same spot about 20 times...I was so in shock I just stayed still, I told him to stop and went or tried to walk upstairs. He followed me, I layed on the bed, he asked "so what now I cant talk to my mom... you know your so rude." I was so angry with him for hitting me that I kicked him in his face, I was actually trying to push him away from me, not realizing that he was holding my baby. I felt horrible. he put the baby in his playpen and went towards me... punching me then throwing me off the bed. when I hit the floor I went into a fetal position while he kicked my back, ribs, arms, legs... until he turned me over made a fist and put near my face...stopping himself. He left me there taking our son downstairs... I sent our neutral friend a text telling her what happened and then I passed out. I woke up about 4 hrs later went downstairs and decided to leave it alone. I was chatting with one of my cousins and He was upstairs... he came downstairs and ORDERED me to get off the computer... I asked why and he showed me my cell. She had replied to my text... I had forgotten all about it. so he broke my phone in half and showed me what beating me was, he didn't call what he did upstairs "beating", It was a lot worse than what he did downstairs. He left for school and tried to kiss me goodbye... why do they do that??? when he came home he kissed my forehead and just stared at me and our son. ???. Again he said he would NEVER EVER hit me again. It's been almost 2 wks and he hasn't. I still have the bruises but that's it. Am I supposed to believe him... Should I belive him??? I am only 18 yrs old and I seem to be experiencing everything I told my self, and everyone else, would never happen to me. I'm repeating my mothers life, everything from school to the marriage. When he told me he would never hit me, at 3 months of dating, I thought he meant it. He was furious when his moms boyfriend hit his mother, he went out looking for him ready to kill him. So why am I having to deal with it??? he said because his mom was trying to deffend herself. So what am I doing? If he's trying to say that I'm bringing it to myself he's stupid and I made the wrong choice by marrying him. I like to tell my self that we're still newlyweds and are just finding out stuff about each other. but will it stop or only get worse??? I'm stupid I have no high school diploma and blew a opportunity in college. I'm repeating my mothers mistakes and this is my fault. but I will beat this and I will make something of myself. I love him and I hate him. He was my first everything... down to my real first love... my real first kiss(the one that took my breath away)... I gave him my virginity and he gave me nothing but love. So what's happened??? I dont know what hurts the most the love I have for him that makes it impossible to see myself without him or the fact that I just realized how stupid I am for the decisions I've made these past years. I want to go back to school and he wants me to... He's a good guy, a great son, brother and dad... not the best husband but who is??? He loves me I know it. He shows it more than I show it to him. So what now???
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 3:20pm

Hi,

Your relationship with this man will get worse... and a lot worse. You do not deserve to be hit, pushed, punched... or anything!! It makes me so mad. He might say he will never hit you again, but you need to be smart. He will hit you again even tho he says he won't. Next time he says that he won't hit you, think of what happened next, he hit you. It will get worse if you don't leave soon! For your little son, you need to leave. It is not very healthy for him to see you 2 fighting and hitting each other. I know how difficult it is to leave and admit you're in an abusive realtionship. Do you have any family or friends that you can go stay with? I have got some great advice on these boards, and I got out of my abusive relationhip thanks to the great people on here. Please come back and let us know how you are doing.... If you are at the computer at home, make sure you delete the history in case your husband looks and finds anything.

Lauren

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