i dont know what to think

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2003
i dont know what to think
13
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 2:03am
hi everyone. i hope everyhing is going well for all of you! Things have been going alright between us lately. He's going faithfully to the batterers program and also to his counselor, but sometimes it gets tense. Earlier i was out at the store and got back after he was already home from work. He was upset with me and i knew i needed to be careful. It's like i can see his anger and him trying not to act on it. He said the other day after a meeting that he loves me and doesn't want to hurt me but i need to understand that this is a struggle for him. This is going to be ongoing and i get scared sometimes that he's gonna let me down. What else can i do? thanks, jj

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 10:05am
JJ, my BF was going through the same thing after he hurt me so bad I had to call 911 and to be honest I don't think the batterer's counseling or his AA worked on him at all because he wasn't willing to change in his heart. I was really optimistic when he first got sentenced because I thought this would really make a difference between us, but not even three months later, on 4th of July he flipped out and got violent with me again and I got body slammed, choked and had a knife to my neck. I don't know what I'm trying to say here except for if you are going to stay with him, be on your guard, keep your phone close to you and an extra key on you in case of emergencies. You never know when he'll flip out on you, counseling or not, this man has very little self-control when it comes to putting his hands on you. So don't get too comfortable. If I were you I would start going to counseling too, now that he knows he has a problem you can say that you feel like it would benefit you too if you went and he shouldn't have a problem with that as long as you don't tell him what type of counseling you're going to. Don't tell him that its for Domestic Violence, or else he'll get worse. Good luck JJ, I miss you girl, keep in touch uzakee20@yahoo.com we could really help one another.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 10:12am
Well, JJ, first of all, I am glad to hear you are alive and well.
Avatar for azmommy35
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 12:45pm
I just wanted to mention that during the extensive counseling my X underwent during our marriage (not a specific batterers program) he began to rely upon his "struggle" to get well as his free ticket to slip up and regress. "Well, at least I'm trying to get well and am taking positive action, this is hard for me and you're just going to have to be patient while I am working on these issues." Now, maybe this isn't the same context that your H is using, but I hope you will be "on guard" for anything that begins to resemble this. There is a vast difference between getting help and being successful at change. I reposted the link from Cl-Sweets 12/16 post "How To Tell If He Is Changing" to trisha today. You might want to read it too or keep it near as a handy reference. We are all here to support you and care about your safety and that of your children. ~~hugs
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2003
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 1:04pm
Hi Ladies,

My husband is also about to go to some sort of batterers program...I hope. I had to call Child Protective Services on him last Friday. They still haven't showed up. So much for hoping that the state would react quickly. My husband is home on vacation, and in the next room, so I will keep this very short. I just want to say hello and I will be around, especially after he goes back to work next week.

Suzi

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 1:48pm

"He said the other day after a meeting that he loves me and doesn't want to hurt me but i need to understand that this is a struggle for him. This is going to be ongoing and i get scared sometimes that he's gonna let me down."


JJ, he just told you that it's not working.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 7:22pm

Hi jj...I'm so glad to hear from you.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

- Maya Angelou

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 10:59pm
Wow ... Sweetdreams said it all, didn't she? I think you know a lot more about this guy than you allow yourself to admit. You're a smart girl. You know he hasn't changed. You want him to change, yes, I understand that. Believe me, I understand that. But deep down, you know he hasn't changed and that he never will. He's too deeply disturbed and you cannot rescue him.

Keep thinking about a long-term escape plan, just so you have something in your back pocket in case you need it. Do not reveal anything to him whatsoever. Just take little baby steps in secret so you have an escape plan should you need one.

Take care sweetie. You're very much cared for here, so stay close if you can.

Hummer (kim)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 1:03pm
JJ, sweetie, get out of there!

Sweetdreams is *exactly* right -- he is capable of killing you. I have been away from my STBXH since October 25, 2003, and I'm soooo glad. At first, I was afraid I was making a HUGE mistake, but I know better now. I've filed for divorce, and it was such a relief, you would not believe!

I remember thinking throughout our relationship, "What if he gets really pissed off some day and just kills me?" But then I would think to myself, "No, he would never do that." Until, one day, we got into a TERRIBLE argument, and he started waving his gun around, threatening to kill himself or me or whoever, and then got into the car with me and proceeded to drive me around town at 80 mph, running stoplights and stopsigns, etc. At that point, I stopped wondering -- I KNEW he was capable of killing me, and I KNEW that he probably would if I didn't do something about it FAST!!! A few weeks later, I left.

I honestly believe that this message board saved my life on more than one occasion. I can't tell you how many times I considered going back to him, and almost did. But, every time I got the urge to move back to my house and try to work things out with my husband, I posted on this board, and every time, the wonderful people on here were able to talk some sense into my thick head and talk me out of it. I TRULY believe that, if it weren't for the girls (and fuzzy blue Buff!) on this board, it's very possible that I would be dead right now. I would never be able to see my family again, I would never be able to see my friends again, I would never be able to go horseback riding or do any of the things I enjoy doing again, and -- most importantly -- I would never be able to help anyone like myself (like you!).

I know you're worried . . . you said you're only 25 and don't want to go through a divorce. Well, let me tell you a secret -- I'm only 25 too, and I didn't want to go through a divorce either, especially after only three years of marriage!!! But, when you consider the alternative, divorce starts to look pretty darn good, if you ask me. Please consider leaving this monster before he does something *really* awful to you!

Keep us posted -- we worry about you!

Love & Hugs,

Emm

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2003
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 3:13pm
Hi JJ. I don't know if I should be posting here, but I lurk on this board quite often because you see, I too was in an abusive relationship. The posts here are so similiar to what I felt, what I went through and even though it was some time ago, the memories are still so vivid. Your posts remind me of me when I was going through it.

The ladies on this board have such sound advice. I only wish there was support like this when I needed it. I was more scared of making a change for the better than I was of living in fear day in and day out. I know what you mean about the SO being upset and you trying to tip toe around anything that might set him off. I'm sure with most posts on this board, my situation didn't start off bad in the beginning either. It started with him restraining me (choking me) by my neck up against a wall, then slapping me in my face, then back-handing me, soon thereafter beating my face with his fist's became the norm, then throwing me across the room over and over, then it was beating me with the metal kitchen chair and so on. This was my life.

When this prince of a man began describing how if I ever tried to leave him, he would charter a boat, stick a hot curling iron up....well you know, torture me for a while, then cut me up in small pieces and feed me to the sharks, is when my survival instincts kicked in (took a while but they finally did). He wasn't joking, I can assure you.

I know that you are so caught up in the cycle but sweetie there is help that you can take advantage of from people who have gone through the same thing as what you have lived with for years. People who can give you hope and support and a light at the end of the tunnel.

I don't have to tell you that the abuse gets more violent and one of these days he may not be able to stop when he starts. I wish you the very best and even though I dont know you, you are in my thoughts - all of you on this board are. God Bless




iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2003
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 4:13am
hi everyone. Sorry it took me so long to respond. He took the keyboard off the computer over a week ago because i was on here and not doing what he asked me to. i hooked it back up now for a few minutes cause i couldn't sleep. Thank you all for your advice i really do appreciate it. i've been really working on getting him to let me look for a job again. i see so many ads for accountants in the newspapers everyweek and i miss working. He said maybe part-time might be ok depending when and where, but doing that isnt a part-time job. Not the kind of job i want anyway. i'm trying to hold my ground but it's hard when he just takes things away when he wants and what if he does let me get a job, will i even be able to go.. i dont know. i'm sorry if i don't sound very strong right now but i don't feel it either. -jj

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