I don't know where to turn for help?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
I don't know where to turn for help?
5
Wed, 02-23-2005 - 11:50pm

I'm not sure what to say to explain my situation. But I'm pretty sure my husband emotionally abuses me. He also has a drinking probably and I believe he has bipolar. We've been together for 10 years, married for 7 now and we have a 5 year old son. Our relationship has been rocky the entire time and some how, for some reason or another we've stayed together. About six months ago he told me he wanted a divorce which has come up before, but this time he was actually saying he wanted to do it. I've been a stay-at-home wife and mother to our son while he was in the army getting his career going. I at that point had no idea what I wanted to do which didn't seem to bother him. I consider myself to be a very caring, loving, good person. I maybe expected too much of him or nagged at him too much for drinking. We moved often and I'm just a shy keep to myself kind of person, so I rarely went out alone and I prefer him to do things with me. So maybe I put too much presure on him and was too needy. After he told me he wanted a divorce he has insulted me and made me feel bad about myself in every way possible. Of course over the years he wasn't very nice to me either and even when things started getting bad I stayed with him. He use to say sorry, hold me, etc. and one day he just didn't seem to care anymore, about anything. With him being in the army I spent weeks and months at a time alone with my son. No friends or anything, so when he got back I was dying for attention. Once he got out of the army I started attending college online which I did for a year until this all came about. The thing that sucks is I have no money to move back to ohio from nc. Plus I haven't worked in over 6 years. I have no clue how I'll provide for my son or where we'll live and I don't want to give up my dreams of being an Interior Designer. I'm also 100+ pounds overweight and he puts me down a lot about that and says that's a major problems for him. Now he just says he doesn't love me or like my personality, hates my touch, call me stupid, pathetic,c--t, etc. He fights with me over the dumbest things, for example: dog hair on the floor, because I was lying down with a headache instead of doing what, I don't know! He works nights 4 days a week and days during the weekend and drinks a six pack if not more every day. He was diagnosed with bipolar as a kid, but claims he never saw a doctor and that it was an insurance scam, but his behavior says otherwise.

He's thrown stuff at me, tossed the coffee table over, cussing and drinks in front of our son and puts me down in front of him. I've tried repeatedly to talk to him, too explain that he shouldn't do these things on front of our son. I was supposed to move back home when we got our tax refund, but it turns out we owe. Now I'm stuck here until we sell the house and he says we'll move back together. But another day he'll say were not going to move back together. I told him he could help me get a place to live, but that I didn't think he should live with me. I never get clear responses from him. If I hang on I could end up in a home rather than an apartment. I have no idea what he plans to do. I want it to be over. I think even if he got help, I wouldn't be able to forgive him for the things he's said and done. Plus I don't think he'll ever love me the way that a person should be loved. I mean he told me he only married me because he was lonely and wanted to get out of the barricks on post. He also told me I was pathetic for nearly passing out while giving birth to our son. I suppose he says these things to hurt me and push me away. Our sex life has been non-existant for awhile now and when we were together it was bad. He says because of me, my weight, etc. And for years he would lead me on and turn around and push me away. I love you, I don't love you. He claims the army keeping him away from me and his drinking is what keep us together this long, and because he doesn't want to lose his son. There are other crazy things he has said about hurting me and he says really freaky scary things sometimes, usually when he's drinking, but I think he does it for shock value. Then again he seems ill to me.

My life is on hold, I feel depressed and I'm not the best mom I can be, I can't stick to my diet, I'm bored with no job and afraid to work. I did apply at 2 places last week, even if I only work for 3 months before we move it'll be worth it to be doing something instead of sitting here. I really wish I had the means to move now without him, I don't need him. I know things will be hard, but I'll get through it. I just need to get out. My son has 3 months of school left, does it matter wheather or not if he finishes his first year here or will he be okay finishing up at another school? I worry about how the move, new people at school, no daddy, etc. will effect him. I'm not sure if I should wait and move back with my husband in which case I would tell him he needs to find his own place and lets file for divorce because I don't want to continue with life like this or should I get help to get out now? And if so where do I get that help or is there help? I just need a u-haul and the money for it to move back. I have no friends or family who are finacial able to help me. I want to get out and move on because I feel he's depresses me and hurting me everyday and my son shouldn't see it. He's such a great kid and is so polite and social, I don't want him to develop angry problems or whatever because of this. I wish I had help, advice, a nearby friend or something.

What do you think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Thu, 02-24-2005 - 6:41am


Hi there and welcome to the board.

I know things seem impossible for you right now, but there is sunshine over that mountain. Be glad he is gone and find someone who can give you some solid financial advice to get you back on your feet. Your son has many years to make up for the next 3 months of school. You need to focus on yourself and what is right for you. When your world is right, his will be so much better. If he is in the military, there should be people there you can go to.

Go to the resource pages and read. The more information you have, the more you will understand.

Home is to be someplace peaceful and loving, whether is be an apartment or house...doesn't matter.

Keep focused, take care of yourself (don't worry about that diet right now)and try to look beyond him and his problems. He downgrades you to make himself feel better, you don't deserve that.

Terry

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
Thu, 02-24-2005 - 8:18am

He's no longer in the army and we're still living together because I don't have the money to rent a u-haul to move back to Ohio where I'm from. If I had the money I would leave and believe me I want to. My husband suggest moving back together ever though he wants a divorce. I think that's crazy. We need to move on.

My dad is also an alcoholic and he called me last night telling me I need help, and therpy. I was so upset! My husband has a drinking problem, possibly bipolar and emotionally abuses me, and my dad is saying I'm the one with the problem. Steam is blowing out my ears right now!!! Of course my dad also tells me I'm to old to go to college. I'm 28! I don't think it matters how old you are, if you have the will then go for it.

I don't know! I just want to put all this behind me and move on.

Thanks for your reply!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Thu, 02-24-2005 - 10:32am
If you want to go back to college, let that be YOUR decission and NO ONE elses.
5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2001
Thu, 02-24-2005 - 10:44am

Hi, you have come to the right place. I, too, was married to an alcoholic, his dad was one too, I didn't know him. I stuck it out for 30 years and you do not want this to happen to you. My ex raised my son from the age of 2 and I can say, but I don't, that he was a good father. Any man that doesn't treat his wife good is not a good man period. If I had it to do over I would have taken my son and raised him myself. It can be a good adventure as long as his or her or their mother gets it together. You can do it. I was fine until I gave my power to this man. You never have to give anything away if you are alone for a while or find someone YOU want to be with. As far as your dad, stop the cycle. Your son deserves it. What is you relationship with your mom? Are they still together. If so you can't go back there. Find right away if there is a women's shelter in your area. Call National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 and they will be able to get you to the closest shelter for help. Take care and be safe.

Luv, Sherry

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
Thu, 02-24-2005 - 2:44pm

I might have the chance to leave my husband saturday, but it's such short notice and I'm concerned. My dad's best friend is visiting his relatives about an hour away. If he is willing to come this way so I can follow him back I can leave. Then I won't have to worry about doing a 10 hour drive alone. I'd have to take my son out of school, well tell them he won't be back monday and call my doctor to let her know I'm moving so she can write me a refil for my thyroid medicine. I have a friend who's mother can get me into one of those income based apartments with next to no money. I can pack what I can fit into my car, I have two air matresses and hoefully my husband will return my things when he moves back this summer. I just can't stand staying here another minute, putting up with his drinking and emotional abuse, and this may be my last chance to leave without him. To prove to him I don't need him and that I can make my own decesions. It's just so short notice and I could always wait till this summer, but that makes me look weak and gives him control, don't ya think? A million thoughts are going through my head. What do you think?

Thaanks for your reply!

-Lissa