I don't know who to talk to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2011
I don't know who to talk to.
19
Mon, 12-05-2011 - 12:29pm

Things lately have gotten very stressful and feels like everything is just falling apart around me. I keep getting more and more depressed and now, I think I'm nearing rock bottom. I always try to stay optimistic, but this situation - I can't handle.

Yesterday, I found out that I am pregnant. I didn't handle getting pregnant with Jasper all that well and he was planned. Now, dh got a vasectomy, I'm on the pill AND we were using condoms consistently. There is no way that we can emotional, psychologically, financially or physically handle another pregnancy right now with Jasper not even being 3 months old. There is just no way. If we were to make it through the pregnancy, the quality of life for existing children would plummet bc we're barely making ends meet as it is. (Please no judgements on this, I'm judging myself enough already.) I know that I need to have an abortion. It is the right thing to do in the situation.

However, everytime I close my eyes I hear my ex-husband in my head calling me a baby killer. At one point in our marriage (afetr he wanted me to abort my now 5 yr old) I told him that I would have an abortion if he ever impregnated me again. I was dead serious and he was fine with that, but then - during every arguement and just randomly in public he would scream at me, calling me a babykiller. I never had abortion, but he did it to make me feel like crap and it worked. the two times in my life I considered having an abortion - it was because I would not want to bring a child into a world with such a terrible person there to hurt them, but now I have this loving, happy, healthy family and I want to be thrilled at the idea of bringing another life into it, but I just can't do it responsibly.

So, I'm feeling incredibly conflicted and guilty and scaring the crap out of myself that I'm feeling borderline suicidal. I feel that no decision is a good one here. I know what I need to do that is best for my family and for myself, but I'm not sure I could live with myself with the guilt. I don't feel like there is anyone i can really talk to honestly about this.

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Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Mon, 12-05-2011 - 2:01pm

Oh dear chipper, I am so, so sorry to hear you are in such a terrible place.

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2011
Mon, 12-05-2011 - 2:25pm
I've made an appointment at Planned Parenthood for this Friday and Saturday. Unfortunately, Texas just passed a law that you have to have an ultrasound and be forced to listen to the heart beat 24 hours before an abortion. I just don't know how I'm going to make it through that. I called my OB's office hoping that she could do an abortion or refer me to someone locally (bc the planned parenthood in a couple hours away), but all I got was a bunch of people screaming, "Congratulations!" at me, which was the last thing I needed. It makes a huge difference to hear someone say that it's ok to go through with if it's what is best. I'm trying to get in with the therapist and get some meds to help with the anxiety at least, but we're playing phone tag. I just can't stop crying.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2000
Mon, 12-05-2011 - 2:51pm

Sigh....(((((((HUG))))))

Try to not do a knee jerk decision, because no matter what you chose, abortion, adoption, keeping, it will have a long term affect on you and your family.

The initial shock of discovering you are pregnant, especially after you have taken so many steps to be sure it would not happen, has got to be hard.

Have you discussed this with your husband? If not, can I encourage you do simply because he can help you make the right decision for you...doing this completely alone is far too hard please have close friends and family (the ones you can trust) there to help you with your decision and your recovery after.

It is so hard to get rid of those negative voices people put into our heads, when you hear the "baby killer" voice you will have to address it...since it is the voice of your abuser (I assume you were talking about your abuser rather than your current husband) you need to tell that voice he no longer has any say in your life and to just shut the blank up and leave you alone...If it is your husband's voice you are hearing say that, and you believe he really would call you that, you have an entire new can of worms you will have to deal with.

I don't remember if you are currently in counseling, but if you still have contact with your counselor, see if she/he can meet with you and help you work through your decisions and help you through the duration and with the mental recovery once you have made your final choice and follow through.

Hang in there, and try to take the time to make the RIGHT decision for you rather than a panic knee jerking reaction decision.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2011
Mon, 12-05-2011 - 4:07pm
yes, it was my ex-husband's voice I was talking about it (my abuser). I've talked with husband, and while he's trying to supportive, he is completely unemotional about the entire thing. I got upset with him for not crying with me or doing anything. He said it was part of his ptsd that he is having trouble really *feeling* this decision. But I think part of me really wants him to just say that he really wants this baby and for us to struggle together to come to the right decision.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2011
Mon, 12-05-2011 - 4:37pm
It may not end up being my choice. I've started bleeding with clots.
Avatar for winter2007
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Registered: 06-17-2006
Mon, 12-05-2011 - 5:10pm

I never thought I would do this (as I am pro-choice) but if you feel (after going to therapist and talking with planned parenthood) that this decision will come to haunt you and you will be guilt ridden, decide on the choice that will make it not put guilt on you. Maybe things will work itself out. But it is you and your decision only. Every individual case is different and we can't judge or comment or ask you to do this or that.

Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Mon, 12-05-2011 - 5:17pm
Chipper, you and your hubby are in my thoughts and prayers right now. It would not surprise me one bit if the decision has been taken out of your hands. If the bleeding gets worse or you start having a lot of pain, get to the ER right away. There's not a whole lot they can do, but you will need to be checked just to rule out something like an ectopic pregnancy or other problems. Hang in there, sweetie.

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2011
Mon, 12-05-2011 - 5:52pm
Winter, my guilt seems to be all over the place - not just for terminating the pregnancy. I would feel just as guilty if I kept it. Either way is a selfish decision I believe, but when I balance everything out - terminating the pregnancy is far better for everyone involved, including myself. I just wish this was an easy thing to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2011
Mon, 12-05-2011 - 5:53pm
Thank you Cajun. I appreciate it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2000
Mon, 12-05-2011 - 11:22pm

So that sounds like maybe you wont have to make this difficult decision after all...BUT, if it does turn out that you have to face that decision, don't make it alone.

Meanwhile, get checked out, bleeding is not good during the early stages of pregnancy. But it does not always mean bad either. So you need to be sure a doctor checks you out to be sure everything is OK either direction.

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