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|Mon, 12-05-2011 - 12:29pm|
Things lately have gotten very stressful and feels like everything is just falling apart around me. I keep getting more and more depressed and now, I think I'm nearing rock bottom. I always try to stay optimistic, but this situation - I can't handle.
Yesterday, I found out that I am pregnant. I didn't handle getting pregnant with Jasper all that well and he was planned. Now, dh got a vasectomy, I'm on the pill AND we were using condoms consistently. There is no way that we can emotional, psychologically, financially or physically handle another pregnancy right now with Jasper not even being 3 months old. There is just no way. If we were to make it through the pregnancy, the quality of life for existing children would plummet bc we're barely making ends meet as it is. (Please no judgements on this, I'm judging myself enough already.) I know that I need to have an abortion. It is the right thing to do in the situation.
However, everytime I close my eyes I hear my ex-husband in my head calling me a baby killer. At one point in our marriage (afetr he wanted me to abort my now 5 yr old) I told him that I would have an abortion if he ever impregnated me again. I was dead serious and he was fine with that, but then - during every arguement and just randomly in public he would scream at me, calling me a babykiller. I never had abortion, but he did it to make me feel like crap and it worked. the two times in my life I considered having an abortion - it was because I would not want to bring a child into a world with such a terrible person there to hurt them, but now I have this loving, happy, healthy family and I want to be thrilled at the idea of bringing another life into it, but I just can't do it responsibly.
So, I'm feeling incredibly conflicted and guilty and scaring the crap out of myself that I'm feeling borderline suicidal. I feel that no decision is a good one here. I know what I need to do that is best for my family and for myself, but I'm not sure I could live with myself with the guilt. I don't feel like there is anyone i can really talk to honestly about this.