I don't think.......

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2005
I don't think.......
14
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 6:12pm
I don't think I can post here anymore for myself. I will only respond to other people who are posting and go to different boards for myself. Every time I write something about my experience there are people who twist and turn it and go off on different veins. Now, I am not saying that they are not allowed to do that, but it in no way makes me feel supported and understood. I cannot identify with the situations other women here are going through, yes with the way they feel, but no, with their situations. I am sick and tired of explaining myself over and over again.
I was happy to be on this board for a while and to feel like I was a part of this group. But when you are falling on deaf ears over and over again, it gets frustrating. People are talking about situations I cannot bear to have put on my thread. It completely digresses from my point and kind of freaks me out. I was looking for a refined, gentle approach to my problems with my husband (STBX) who has been treating my badly, and what I got is a horrible list of what other people have gone through that has absolutely nothing to do with my situation. I have stated over and over again that my situation is NOT a dangerous one, but myself-esteem is being affected from him. That our home is loving and kind a very good place to raise kids. That I come here to vent from my time alone talking to my STBX and that, yes, I cannot live with the way he treats me anymore, but it is NOT dangerous. I have read responses to other posters who also were not in a dangerous situation, and for the most part given responses that matched their problems. Is there a reason I am not given the same courtesy?
I, coming from a certain background, who had a pretty stable life, am a loving, conscientious devoted mother, and has a lot of other things going for her, cannot be in this environment anymore. To be put in a category HERE that lumps everyone the same way, is too much for me to handle. And I think, anyone coming from my place would understand.
I feel that very little sensitivity was given me here, and I am very disappointed.
As I said, there is a HUGE distinction between suffering as a wife, and having it affect the rest of the home. I would have thought that at least the remarks a community leader makes would reflect that. To me, this is the difference between going to a therapist and having to enter a mental institution. How can anyone not understand that?
Goodbye for now. Will only respond. Done with posting here. I WILL definitely seek help as to why I was ever attracted to him, no doubt about that, but instead of comforting and totally getting what I am saying, I feel like purposely I was not listened to and purposely was again being evaded any type of understanding.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 6:54pm

Smileylove,


I have read and reread your threads and because I can relate to a certain extent (yet my situation is alot more extensive) I purposely did not post.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2005
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 7:23pm
Thank you, thank you, thank you for saying something that FINALLY made sense to my ears and heart! I, too have read posts that you have written, and I know that I replied to some of them. You must understand (as I'm sure that you do) that my not feeling validated here is the same thing for me as not feeling validated by my husband. Therefore, the support that I seek again, I felt was not there for me. For how can you be supported if your situation is not seen in a clear light?
I have always been a leader type in my life and a very positive person. People have always come to me for advice. Obviously, I am in a slump right now because of my life with my husband. My husband took advantage of my good nature.
The reason I get infuriated and I will say this once and for all, is because I have been a childrens' advocate for years. Meaning, I have worked with kids for years, have taken a child psychology class for two years, and am very sensitive to the needs of children. I have seen firsthand situations where the childrens needs (not necessarily food and shelter and safety but communication, basic home stimulation) have not been met and I have worked with them to provide an atmosphere in the daycare/preschool I was working in to have some of their needs met at the school. And some of these kids were from 'priviliged families' but from a different culture that did not foster proper education in the home. Now, I know that everyone is different, but that does not mean that I will allow myself to be portrayed in a way that I am not. I do not feel like a 'victim' at all, I feel like a strong and proud woman who has decided that enough is enough. I know that I have been a willing participant in this marriage, and that no one forced me to stay this way. 'Victim' is not a good word for me because I believe you do choose your life, and you can only be a victim when you are completely unaware of the circumstances that brought you to where you are now. But, I believe, to a certain extent, that most people at least have an inkling as to what brought them there.
Because I am a leader type, it irks me to be spoken to in a way that denotes that I do not know what I am saying or to be not to be taken at face value. Of course, I know me and I can only say what I can say and it is up to any reader to come to a conclusion. I have a lot of advice for anyone who needs help dealing with children and I think can offer that here. So I need to be validated otherwise why would I continue to post here? Unfortunately, it is the few that post that ruin it for me. I understand, it is a free country and people can say what they want to say (for the most part) but it bothers me, so I don't feel like I want to expose myself like this anymore.
gehring1960, your reply was like a G-Dsend right now, and it is not the first time I have felt simpatico with you. Remember the hateful male poster? (Forgot his name). I will DEFINIITELY e-mail you so we can have a heart-to-heart. Thank you so so much.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2005
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 7:30pm

I am sorry if I have offended you in any way.

I've NEVER come across an "abusive" situation where the children were not mentally harmed by what they saw, heard, or "felt". And I've never heard of it in the 7 years that I've been free. But who am I to say that it doesn't exist?

I was in an abusive relationship, where he called me names, put me down, said that I didn't know how to parent, etc for over 12 years before I left. And... well.. you know how it turned out for me. Guess I did'nt want it to happen to your children.

*sigh*

Sorry if I hurt you in anyway.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 8:09pm

Smileylove –


CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 9:55pm

It will be a shame to see you go but if you feel like you need to go to another board, then that is your choice.

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 10:22pm
I know how you feel. That's the problem I had when I went to group counseling. The things other women talked about were so horrible and so much more than I went through and so much more than I wanted to hear. It was overwhelming. Towards the end I bought myself ear plugs that I wore to the secessions and that's how I got through them. I must admit that a few of the responses on your OP I had to skim, it was way more than I could handle, but I won't say which so as not to offend. I don't blame you for not wanting to be lumped into that category. The stories I could tell that I heard at group, really really horrible things and it didn't help me in any way. I just felt like I was verbally vomitted on. When I told the staff that it wasn't helping me and it was upsetting to hear all of that the response I got well it's supposed to help you to see you aren't alone. Right supposed to , but it's not, and they wouldn't bend from their rules. Also, on this board there are quite a few posts that I have to stop reading, because it's just too upsetting and overwhelming to hear about such violence and dysfunction. I think there are a lot of things to gain from this board, just remember if you choose to lurk that you are in control and just click out at the first sign of trouble in a post. I think you maybe were also upset when you called the DV shelter and they told you that there was space for you immediately. It sounds like they also didn't hear you, and tried to lump you into that violent dangerous severely dysfunctional category and tried to give you their one size fits all solution. Sometimes you just gotta get away for your own piece of mind, you don't need more stuff to deal with.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 10:39pm
And I just thought of this too. Some people that come here are coming from a place that they are kicking themselves for not getting out sooner in the face of severe abuse after hitting rock bottom and some are coming from a place of wondering what the abuse really that bad, and would being with the abuser be better than being alone. I think they are giving their advice from this perspective. I think a lot of times the things people say reflect on them more than they do on you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2005
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 7:51am
I did not point a finger at you, but I made a general statement about how I feel coming to this board. While it is a supportive one, there are too many 'generalizations' here and I don't think I can deal with it anymore. Even Dr. Phil who is sort of heavy-handed in his approach uses a much lighter touch when confronted with certain situations. Of course, he is the expert, my point was was that he doesn't take things lightly, but nonetheless confronts each case as it comes.
When you are feeling vulnerable and really need some comforting and supportive words, horrific stories really fail to do it for you.
Again, I was not pointing a finger at anyone in particular. Just think that what a person needs to hear is "oh, it's going to be alright" and so on and so forth. That is, at least what I try to do when I respond. Unless it is very bad,and I feel like a stronger approach is needed. After everything I've said, I still don't think I came through. Oh, well.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2005
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 7:58am
I just think that when you know a poster for a while (but even if you don't) you get to know what they are all about and what they need from this board. What I needed was comforting words saying it will all be okay. Now, I've already said I'm leaving this situation, so again I just needed verbal support. And I wanted to stress that I am a strong person who does not consider myself a 'victim' and that I have worked with kids for years.
I do think that there are posters who come here who do receive that support and are generally more understood. I don't know why I am not seen clearly and feel that I am looked at in a fragmented way and not as a whole individual person. A person is not only a person who is going through a difficult time at the stage he is in. A person is a whole spectrum and needs to be addressed as a whole.
I have many interests, I have many other things in my life, and I wanted for that to comes across on this board, but again, did not feel like that happened. If I don't feel validated here, can you understand why I don't feel like I can post here anymore?
Thank you for replying.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2005
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 8:13am
rayny, I don't understand what you meant about responses being too much to handle, do you mean they were too long and got into too much? Don't understand.
Anyway, thank you for understanding me. I am sorry I didn't take time to hear more about your story and have been too much into mine. Please post about your relationship with X if you like.
Anyway, will continue to reply here to posts. And generally lurk. Hopefully we will talk again soon.

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