I Feel Like Iam On Nightmare!!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2006
I Feel Like Iam On Nightmare!!!!!!!
7
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 10:52am
I Have been Married For 10 years and been together for 15 years.Last week I look at the computer history and media player and there was little video of woman doing sexual acts and different websites he goes to.I was so mad i ask him what was all that stuff.He told me a story of virus on the computer and he ran a virus scan.The next day i check the history and there was more website and video.I knew he was lying to me so i didn't say anything to him.Last night he wanted to have sex and i told him he lie to me about the websites and movies just tell me the truth and he punch me on my nose and my arm he kick me out of the house.Iam still here for the kids because i don't have anywhere to go but my mom's. She donesn't have space for me and my three kids.He is really stress out from work everyday but i know it no excuse for him to hit me.I have no skills and no job but i would like leave don't know how?where?When?.My mom live in NY and my oldes daughter is in Jr high it a very good school .I don't think she would be able to handle the school in NY.What to do help me someone???
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 12:50pm

Welcome Sad_Eve :o)

First of all you have came to the right place. You will get some great advice here and there is many wonderful women on this board.

I see a few red flags in your post that I am concerned about. Him lying about watching porn and even lying to you when you asked him about it. Him punching you when you said he lied to you. That is wrong!! He has no right to get mad about that and to punch you and kick you out of the house. Does he verbally abuse you?

You might think that by staying with this man you are helping you kids out, but you are causing more harm than good. It is very unhealthy for children to be in the middle of abuse. They see how the man acts towards the women and they will start to think it is normal and right to treat her like that. They don't know anything different.

Have you talked to your mom about this? I bet she would make room for you and the kids if she knew what was happening. You can go to a shelter with your children. You just need to realize that it will not get better with this man. It will only get worse with time.

I suggest calling the Domestic Hotline number at 1.800.799.SAFE

Also, you should check over the board website:
http://cl-wishful78.tripod.com/RDAHomePage.cfm

Keep posting as much as you like or need to. We are all here for you okay.
Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2006
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 3:45pm
Thank You ;) for you nice words.Since we been married he has hit me only when i get him very angry and he is very stress out. It has been like maybe 6 times that he had hit me in the whole 10 years of marriage. He mostly verbally abuse me.He has a very bad temper, beacuse he don't know how to relax and stop thinking that the world it out for him.His family made him the way he is.His always think negative about anything you say or do his always reading in to it.Like when i do or say something that he don't like he immediately thinks that my kids and i are taking advantage because his the only one working and paying all the bills and he feed us and dress us and that's when the verbally abuse me.I was thinking we should go to marriage counselor.Especially now that his not happy with his job and his always stress out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 4:24pm

First of all you do not make him angry. He himself makes himself angry. He has issues and not matter what you do he is angry. If you do something right he will get angry that it isn't good enough. See the pattern? Also, he is angry because he is abusive, not abusive because he is angry. The job, or stress, or the traffic is no excuse for his abusive behaviour. Abusers never take responsibility for their actions, they ALWAYS blame it on something or someone else.

You admitted yourself that he does verbally abuse you. You do not deserve this - nobody does okay. He hit you a few times... and he will do it again and it will go from bad to worse. There is only a 1% chance that your H will get better. You deserve so much more than what he is giving you no matter what he says to you. Who cares that he pays all the bills.. he is saying this to make you feel guilty. He wants you to feel guilty. That is what abusers do.

DO NOT GO TO COUNSELLING WITH HIM. It will make you go backwards instead of forwards if you go to counselling with an abusive man. It is the worst idea out there. If you want to go to counselling, you should go by yourself to a counsellor who specializes in Domestic Violence. Do not go to marriage counselling.

Just some of my thoughts. Good luck.
Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2006
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 4:53pm

Lauren is so right. Couples counselling doesn't work for abusive relationships because it allows the abuser to avoid taking responsibility for his actions. They are very good at twisting things and making it about how you behaved as opposed to how they behaved.

There is absolutely no excuse for abusive behavior!

If you are not up for a shelter right now consider calling one of the abuse hotlines. Check your phonebook for a listing. My friend called information for me then handed me the number and insisted I call. It was one of the best calls I've made. I didn't need to escape to a shelter yet but the person on the other side gave me great advice on how to prepare in case it came down to it. There are lots of resources - you can use the help.

You don't deserve this treatment - please believe us when we say that! It is also not good for your children. Being hit 1 time or 6 times it doesn't matter. It isn't even necessary to be hit to be abused.

Please let us know how you are doing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2006
Sun, 10-22-2006 - 11:15am

Sad Eve....I got out 2 weeks ago. I've been a stay home mom for 9 years. If he's hit you once, he'll do it again. Mine escalated from him just being a general "jerk" to beating and raping me. The boys watched through a window. And I still went back. But I'm not going back this time. The kids and I have been gone for 2 weeks...they are in school in the next state. I was lucky enough to get out with enough money for a motel for a couple of weeks on the beach while we heal. Battered women's shelters can get you in fast, though. And you ARE a battered woman. The family shelter found room for us tomorrow so we came home this weekend to get more school uniforms and repack to go into the shelter and find a home for our dog. He's not here...he's a truckdriver. I haven't worked for 9 years...and was running into all kinds of roadblocks getting assistance and daycare assistance but it will work out. The lady at the shelter can get me 15 days of daycare while I find a job. It's a start. One foot in front of the other. You will know when you've had enough...hopefully you will know before he puts you in the hospital or worse. The sheriff's department finally convinced me to leave. Told me I CAN take his vehicle...it's only in his name...he always threatened to call the cops on me if I took it...it's our only vehicle at the moment. I am leaving a brand new house that isn't even unpacked yet but I have to. He can't find time to get help. I'd love him to....and live happily ever after....but he doesn't have time. So I've got to go. The violence can't escalate any higher. I've got to move these boys' lives ON. They are thriving in their new school and new town on the beach. I don't know how I'm going to support them but I'll figure it out. One foot in front of the other one day at a time. There is help out there if you reach out for it. I was lucky....I melted down on my family over the phone this last time and the sheriff's department reached out to me when a family member called them to check on me. . And now my mother is upsetting my sister by saying "I wonder what part Amy played in all this?> WTF?? My part was I didn't leave 8 years ago when I had the SWAT team around my house and they let him out the next day.....and quit calling the cops....

Stay safe!! If you can't make yourself leave now....then start preparing for the future. Pack a bag containing copies of important papers....birth certificates, social security numbers, account numbers, phone numbers, etc. Pack a few changes of clothes. Keep this at a trusted friends. I loaded up my old pay as you go phone with time and all important phone numbers and hid it. Start stashing cash. I was lucky...my husband wasn't watching every move I make...he was out on the road. And still the night I left I was jumpy and walking around with my secret phone, keys, drivers license, $900 cash ON MY PERSON in case one of the boys told him what was up over the phone.

Protect yourself and your kids. Some days it seems it would so much easier to get sucked back in. But it won't!

love, amy <2 weeks out and counting!>

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2006
Sun, 10-22-2006 - 11:37am

I have to agree with Lauren. I've been backsliding since leaving...and begging him to go to counselling with me while standing my ground that I'm not going to go home while that happens. We had no contact for a few days when I left...and he immediately shut off my cell phone. Luckily, I anticipated this and had my hidden pay as you go phone all loaded up. But dumb me contacted him one day to let him talk to the boys which led to me begging him to go to counselling....he turned back my phone and opened up communication but I have to stop. Because it just sets me backwards. I'm only out 2 weeks and trying to keep one foot in front of the other....and when I spend the day talking to him I just stand in place....and go nowhere. I don't want to deny him contact with his kids....but I've got to stop talking to him. Not completely....just keep moving forward...away from him. Get counselling for me and the kids in our new town....and you know what? I still hope someday he'll get help and we'll live happily ever after. But I really think by the time that happens the boys and I will be moved on away enough emotionally that that door will close. I'm not going to stand there and hold it open for him. We are moving forward.

Good luck. And stay safe!!

amy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2006
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 4:43am
DEAR sad Eve...He has no right to hit you at all....Not even once..There are no excuses..You were not put on this earth to be verbally abused or be someones punchbag because they have had a bad day. Your children love you and will be in alot of pain watching you being treated this way...You know deep down what you have to do ..Yes its scary but please belive me I have been there ..28 years of marriage to a monster.Dont belive the tears and the I will never do it again and worst of all the I AM SORRY BUT YOU MADE ME DO IT...If you cant do it for yourself do it for your children..I did and the last four years have been the best of my life...