I feel like I'm dying.........
Find a Conversation
| Sun, 12-04-2005 - 8:17pm |
Well, I'm out of the house. He noticed I wasn't wearing my ring on Friday after almost three weeks of not having it on. While I was at work, he called, messaged and "instructed" me to get ahold of the attorney, get the car switched over to my name, etc., etc., etc. He tried calling me after work when I didn't come home and was accusing me of having a boyfriend, I finally stopped answering the phone. He sent me a text message saying to stay away from the house and he'd get the "rest" out later. So, needless to say I assumed my stuff was thrown out. I had my cousin go to the house with me, and yeah, he had thrown every article of clothing that I own on the floor of the garage with all the mud and salt on the floor. He had gone through the house and taken all the pictures of us, my family, etc. down.
So, after all of this, why do I still miss him. I'm not following the rule of not talking to him. As usual, he is calm now, but, I do know he will go back and forth. I don't hang onto that hope that he is going to get it this time. I just can't not talk to him and I don't know why. I feel so horrible for him, and feel so horrible for myself. I feel like my heart is being pulled right out of my chest and I wish I could make the pain stop for the both of us. I know that he needs to deal with his own issues, that I can't help him, yet, I still feel so sorry for what he was put through as a child......... I know I need to get over that and I know eventually I will need to stop talking to him. I do know that I am not going back, it's killing me, seems I'm fighting myself every minute of the day, but, I am not going back.
Why is it that even though I have been planning this for some time, I am still not ready for it and feel so horribly crappy. Not sure how I will get through work this week as I cannot stop bawling my head off every other minute. I absolutely hate this feeling.......

Hang in there, hon.
This is what they do.
The other two are right, he's doing this on purpose because he's "getting back" at you for "betraying" him. He's trying to make you come crawling back, apologizing for making him miserable, just so he can kick you in the mouth. Clothes are replaceable. Belongings are replaceable.
Gonna made a very good point about the grief. No matter how horrendous the relationship, there is still going to be grieving - and second guessing. And R is right, if nothing you tried worked before, why is it going to be different this time. You MUST take the time. You need to let yourself work through the feelings you have and take each day one day at a time, one hour at a time, in some cases one minute at a time. Just keep putting one foot down in front of the other. Soon, you will be days, then weeks, then months out before you know it.
Keep a journal of your feelings. It will help to get them out. Acknowledge the feelings - good and bad - and work through them. Don't supress them, it will only cause problems later. Everything you are going through is normal, it is to be expected, and everyone who is out has experienced them in one fashion or another.
Hang in there.
cl-blueliner4
co-CL for Domestic Abuse: New Beginnings
CL for Los Angeles Living
CL-Blueliner4
((((Hugs))))
I know exactly what you are going through. I am in the very same situation.
I have no words of wisdom, but please know you are not alone. There are people like me who are going through the exact same thing, who feel the exact same pain. And no amount of planning is going to speed the healing of a broken heart or the traumatic experience of an abusive relationship.
The hardest part for me is the no contact. I left my bf and have the same doubts if I did the right thing or not that you are feeling. And just like you, I know I gave my all for my relationship and it just comes right down to the fact that he's going to have to want to change and get help, it is out of our hands, it always has been.
We can get through this, we have to. And most importantly we have to remember that we can't change who he is.
(((Hugs)))
Thanks to all of you for your posts and support. It was a rough weekend and I'm trying to work through the no contact thing. Everything I read from what people said is ringing true with how things have gone with him the past couple of days. I also feel that I may be giving mixed signals by caring about what happens to him. But, he tried getting me to come home today, as roommates, and that things would be fine as long as he knew it was over, that he couldn't be upset with me if we weren't a couple. The sad thing is, I almost did it, but, I think someone up above is looking out for me. Almost immediately after I got off the phone with him, one of my son's moms called. They manage an apartment complex near where we were living. She offered my son and I a place to stay for free until, well, she said as long as we need. They have a bunch of open apartments and she cleared it with her boss. I feel so horribly guilty, and like such a failure for not being able to provide for myself. I know I shouldn't worry about him, and our mortgage, but, I promised I'd pay half the mortgage no matter where I am and I don't break my promises. So, like I said, I now have a place for my son and I to go. It's truly a blessing that I have all of this support. I am still minute to minute with my emotions, but, after he again blamed me for his anger today and again told me I was just trying to get people to feel sorry for me, and again tried to justify him pulling a knife out during an argument as not being something scary since it wasn't directed at me, I think all of the above helped me put things into perspective again, at least for the next few minutes:)
Oh yeah, even though I've been feeling crappy about what I'm doing, I did go to the attorney, put down my retainer fee and started the paperwork..... mixed emotions about that, but, I am relying on faith to get me through this. Thanks again....