I feel numb all over.....
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| Tue, 05-16-2006 - 12:17pm |
My co worker asked me the other day if everything was alright with me. Cause I seem to be going thru the motions but nothing else. I guess I do feel that way. I realized that it's been hard for me to make conversations with people and keep the conversation going. My mind just seems blank.
I did somthing over the weekend that I feel very disgusted and degraded about. My husband didn't get home sat night/morning till 6AM. I was pretty upset and asked him about it. He said that he passed out on the couch at his cousin's house around 2am and when he woke up he came home. I'm not really sure how i felt about that..but i left it go. Well, he started to rub against me, and kiss me all over, wanting sex of course. I pushed him away and said that I wasn't in the mood. After a while he gave up but started being really ignorant towards me. I dont' know what happened but I caved in and agreed to it. Of course I didn't feel anything, but afterwards I felt disgusted!! He passed out again and I couldn't fall asleep. I went into the other room and just started crying. Besides crying about having caved in, I was hurting down there as well. So that just added to it. Sunday night before he went to work the same thing happened. I caved AGAIN!!! That time I couldn't hold my tears and sobs inside. I was crying while it was happening. It was the worst feeling. He didn't notice. Which is the way I wanted it. Woke up monday morning and I realized that I was bleeding a little bit. Not sure where that was from. Probably because he scratched me or somthing.
Yesterday I came home and he was rearranging the rooms. Changing our room to the living room and vise versa. After all that was done. He had an hour or so before he went into work. He asked me to lay down with him. Which i protested because I just didnt feel like being around him. But I agreed. Wasn't enough for him. He was making his moves again. I told him no repeatedly. Then he gave up and turned over. I dont' know why I feel this way, but somtimes I guess I feel if I would just agree things would go so much smoother. So I asked him why he had to be ignorant like a little kid wanting his way. He didn't really answer me so I started to tap his shoulder like "hello answer me" He got very angry and elbowed me right in the ribs really hard. Well, that set me off and I started to push him off the bed while holding my side. (why didnt' i just get up and leave the room, why do I have to stoop to his level and do somthing back at him?) Anyway it excalated from there he got angry and help my face in the pillow and kept knuckling my head (know what I mean?) Well, that made me even more angry that I fought back and started to knee him in his side. This is where it got out of control. I felt his fist coming down on the side of my head a couple of times. Not hard but annoying I guess. While he had me by my neck. And for a moment I couldn't breathe. That was the first time somthing like that happened. Anyway, all the comotion woke up my son who was sleeping in the bed next to ours. He started to cry and my H got off of me and went over to him and started comforting him. meanwhile i'm on the bed crying silently but hysterically. I finally left the room and composed myself. Thank God there was only a few makrs and they weren't that visible. I heard the baby cry again and I went in to check on him. Then I heard my husband say that he was sorry and if he had marked me anywhere. I didn't reply.
Anyway, my question is.....if I wouldn't have been so stupid in saying no to him I could have avoided all of that right? And if I wouldn't have kept annoyin ghim by tapping his shoulder then we prob wouldn't have ended up that way. Things were going okay yesterday too. We were just concentrating on moving the rooms around. And we were wokring like a team. It's crazy how things change so quickly.

Honey, I just have a minute because I have to get my kids ready for bed, but if you have to submit to avoid being hurt, that is rape.
Elm,
Just wanting you to know that I totally agree with Gonna and for you to know that you are not alone and we care and there is help here that is the best, take care of yourself,
Luv, Sherry
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Wrong. If it hadn't been this, it would have been something else. More to the point, it is YOUR BODY. You have the RIGHT to say no, you are not a walking, talking sex toy. His actions absolutely constitute rape. (Yes, it is possible for a husband to rape a wife!)
I strongly suggest you check out www.rainn.org to learn more about rape, what you can do about it, and how to heal from it. You have the RIGHT to say NO. HE is the one in the wrong here. Nobody else.