I feel so naive….
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| Wed, 07-21-2004 - 3:05am |
I had never in a million years have characterized my relationship with DH as abusive. I knew he nagged me. I knew that I turned off when we would get into an argument…. I knew that he took on much of the household responsibilities. But he has always been open to showing me the finances, only tried to keep me from things I wanted to do when I hadn't fulfilled my responsibilities. "Only fair, right?" I thought. "He can't do what he wants to do because he has to do my stuff."
I hated when he would start a fight in front of the kids. But he would tell me that we always had the kids around, so when were we supposed to talk otherwise. If I brought up an objection to how he was speaking to me, usually saying he was yelling at me, he would really raise his voice.
To add to my blurred vision, I have been diagnosed with ADD in the past couple of years. I've tried different medications, some have help only a little others a lot. But I still feel like I'm not meeting my responsibilities.
A month or so ago, he for the first time did what I would call an act of violence against me. He was angry at me, because I hit his back with a pillow when he had fallen asleep with our ds in the bed that he shares with dd. DD had been squirmy, so I took her down stairs to rock her to sleep. I came up and called his name several times, waking up dd in the process. He didn't budge. He was so furious at me for hitting him with the pillow that he told me to get out of the house. When I refused, he picked me up off the foot of our screaming kids' bed and dropped me on the floor. He then left.
The next day, after he had cooled off, he came back. I told him in no uncertain terms that that was unexceptable. He suggested counseling. I told him that was a given and that he needed individual counseling, too.
I finally made the appointment with the one marriage counselor taking new patients on our insurance. I still felt like he was going to see how he could fix me. I thought we needed to learn communication techniques and for the therapist to explain to my husband about ADD. We had our group session, and the therapist gave us worksheets about ground rules for arguing and about "time-outs." I promptly read them; dh had not, even by the time he had his individual evaluation session. (I feel lucky that I think this is really a guy we can work with.)
I had my session today. The counselor said he felt that I had low feelings of self worth. I identified with that right away. And that the way DH talks to me is a main component. He characterized it as mistreatment, that I had to draw the line in the sand and not let him treat me that way. (I now wonder if he didn't call it abuse so as to not totally freak me out.) And that I should even be willing to walk if DH couldn't abide.
I may have pretty crumby self worth. That is a very astute observation. But I have also know that no one has the right to abuse anyone, for any reason. My sister's first husband was verbally and emotionally abusive. Mine and DH's were the main voices telling her to get out. I just can't believe I didn't recognize the signs for my self.
I hope this marriage is salvagable. When we aren't arguing (i.e. when he's not in one of his moods), he can be very caring and supportive of me. I told him (in the most p.c. way I could) that PhD thought I had a sense of low self worth and that he thought DH's manner of speaking was a major contributor of it. His eyes filled with what seemed to be genuine sorrow. But the proof will, alas, be in the pudding. Will he continue counseling? Can he break his habits?
I have been able to successfully convey at times ways I would not tolerate being treated. He has listened. Though over time, other intimidating behaviors have emerged. I am coming to realize, either way, I have to learn to stand my ground. And I also know that if there is ever another act of violence, I'm out of here.
I have learned so much from reading your stories. And I'm so glad that I could spill out these thoughts and feelings. I am curious to know if anyone has been able to turn their relationship around, or if starting over ended up being the only good option. Either way, I know I have to get myself ready for a long haul.
Wish me luck, and thanks in advance for any advice.

Hi Mom, and welcome -
First thing I think you need to do is to ask the counselor how much experience they have in dealing with domestic abuse.
CL-Blueliner4