I feel SO very stupid.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2005
I feel SO very stupid.....
16
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 3:04pm

If I have one major fault I think it's " Hope springs eternal" for me. I have had a month of DH ignoring me, not using any name to address me....etc. Well I decided this last weekend to see if I could change MY attitudes and be the kind and loving wife i should be. He was out of town on a school event and i drove the 2 hrs and met him. It actually was a great 24 hrs!

With that said, before I left to come home again, I bought him a portable CD player that will play MP3 as well. It even has Am/Fm/ weather station. I think it's cool. I was really looking forward to giving it to him. When I told him I had a gift for him he says Realy in this tone of voice like I may have laced it with Anthrax or something. He looked at it , set it aside and said nothing more. I then told him I have the reciept, he can take it back. I didnt even get a thank you.

After that the fight was on. He asked some question about my health, which has gone south really bad. I told him it was stupid to ask when he doesnt care any way. I used feeling words and told him how i felt and how some of his actions have hurt me. Guess what.... you cant use I feel messages on this type of guy.... It got all turned around, with me to blame for being so unkind and caring. Even when i told him the lack of a thankyou hurt my feelings, he WOULD NOT say it. He WOULD NOT apoligize. The end of the conversation was devistating for me. My mother abused me horribley as a child. You name it, she did it or thought about it. He knows i hate her and I have no contact with her. Last year he told me I was just like her in front of a bunch of my friends. it hurt so bad. It still does. Last night he says " All you do is lecture at me, the boys;; your friends. EVERYONE . You sound just like you mom. " I know my chin hit the floor. I couldnt say another word. If he had hit me, it would have hurt less. Now this morning i get a kiss(UGH) and an 'I love you" and a phone call at noon. ( just to see how my day is going)...... I hate this emotional rollar coaster. What if he's right? What if I am turning my friends against me by being like my mom? NOBODY likes her. Everyone she comes in contact with avoid her. I have gone to Adult children classes and couseling, but what if I am like her??? !! Do I take what he says at face value???? She is truely an evil person and I feel so ugly right now. Thanks for letting me vent

Angel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 7:17pm

Isn't that just wonderful. How they will take the most vulnerable part of you - and use it to hurt you..then later - act as if nothing had happened - making you wonder if you are the ill one?

He said those things to hurt you - for no other reason than to keep you on your toes. To keep you guessing. He doesn't want to be nice - because to be nice wold mean he would have to be vulnerable himself - and perhaps let you know what kind of man he really is - and when he doesn't even like himself....why would he want you to know him?

As long as he keeps you on unequal footing - he will always have the upper hand. As soon as you realize you do not own his statements - those are not you - you do not wear them or even resemble them...you will have the greatest release. Know he is saying it to hurt you - not because it is true.

I only say that because my husband did the same thing. He would say something I knew wasn't true - just to hurt, yet I would still second guess myself. It's abuse. But - you probably know that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2007
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 1:45pm

Hi Angel,


I'm so sorry that he is being such a jerk! You try and do everything and anything and you don't even get a damn thank-you! You tried and did the right thing and it is beyond me, why he didn't even think to say a thank-you. When you told him it bothered you that he never said thank-you.. he didn't say anything, because he is trying to hurt you again! That is what they do.. they want to hurt us over and over again. I'm sorry that he told you that you are like your mother. Don't belive a word he says okay. All he is doing, is trying to hurt you again and again, and push you deeper and deeper in the ground. He wants to hurt you and he knows he is hurting you, that is why he keeps telling you things that he knows will rip you apart. He is a sick sick man. Don't take what he says at face value okay... I don't believe you are like her. I know how abusers work, and to me, he is only tell you that you are like her, to hurt you over and over and over again.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 6:18pm

Oh boy do I understand! You're not stupid first of all. After the way he treats you, you found it in yourself to think of him in a caring way and took the time to buy him a gift. His reaction to it sounds just like my H. I've never gotten a thankyou for anything I ever bought him as gifts, but he was so kind to point out what was wrong w/ them.

It's downright cruel ignoring someone and witholding affection! Than when you're so deprived of any consideration, they're all better and now he's kissing you!

I really think that he's wrong about being like your mother. These guys don't want us to have other healthy realtionships, if we did than we wouldn't bo so dependent on them. You're not ugly or evil! Please remember that! You're right, using "I feel..." doesn't work, I tried that too. I remember screaming at him one day, "you don't get to decide how I feel, you can't tell me how to feel, they're MY feelings"

Hang in there!

Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 2:02pm

BRAKES!!!!


Like the others said, you are not stupid.

Blueliner4
(aka The Pixie Princess)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2005
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 9:49pm

He has been vacilating back and forth so much the last two days. Yesterday he stooped in to wher I work and brought in some trail mix. A nice gesture. He even made the effort to say my name last night. And I do mean effort!! He had to force it out. I had told him i deserved to be called by some name as i am a person and am not nonexistant. ! I have kept a log starting Feb 7th to now. He has only used any form of address towards me , once. He said he didnt want to see the log.

Last night I thought, maybe he is trying to make an effort, but in the back of my mind was wondering if he was after sexual contact. Yep, this morning came the question if we could "please have a date tonight" His way of getting off. So much for being nice. i may have been saved by a snow storm today. he is out plowing snow and will be too tired.

The question was: do thye bounce back and forth more when we confront them? Is this an attempt to get the unequal footing back? A person cant trust them , can you......

When i told him those words, he said I dont get why you say these things to me..... ( sigh)

Angel

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2005
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 9:56pm

Thank you so much for the kind words. I have lived my whole life afraid I would turn out like her. I made a pct with myself and kept it that i would NEVER spank my kids after the age of 8 yrs. I felt there are better ways to deal.

Now I have a huge whole of self doubt again. He still insists that last year the whole bunch of us were joking and that it was funny. He wont say he is sorry for that either.....

Since he said I LECTURE Im afraid to say too much of anything for fear that I may come accross that way. I know I need to get out, but right now I cant because of various things with my kids. Im reading a book right now tho to see if I can find a way out of this..

Thank you
Angel

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2005
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 10:05pm

I know what you mean. When he pinches too hard and I say it hurts, he says no it doesnt. I told him the same thing. When I went to college I had to take a bunch of Psych classes. Learned the I message thing. I had tried it on my mom with dismal results. I couldnt understand then that that was abuse, what i was going through. Now I try it again, and low and behold, same results.

The first year we were married I had to have a surgery in another city 2 1/2/ hrs away. I had to drive on Icey roads and stay a week . He would not go with me and never did show up for the surgery. He says he couldnt get off work. Now I have health probs again. He wants me to go to a Vein clinic in Fargo. Where his sister lives. She wants me to go to Rochester. When she asked him if he would be going, he said" no. I cant take time off." He has never checked to find out if it would be even feasable. Then the solution is that She would take me there. She does not like me and she is almost worse than he is. I couldnt stand the thought of being sick and cooperd up in a hotel with her for a week.

Are men hardwired this way, or is this more of the same crap ??? Are all men like this in this department?

Thanks for the support

Angel

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2005
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 10:08pm

Thank you. What the heck makes these guys tick??? Is there truely nothing I can do to make him happy? Or does being mean make them happy?

Gotta run
Angel

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Thu, 03-01-2007 - 1:39am

The post to Christa about your surgery made me flash back to the last 15 months with my abuser, because he basically did the exact same thing yours did/is doing.

Blueliner4
(aka The Pixie Princess)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Thu, 03-01-2007 - 9:38am

I think it's more of the same crap! Past abuser left me w/ 3 kids immediately after a cervical procedure which I could barely walk after, to get high. They just don't think of us!

Do you have any friends or family to support you while you take care of your health problems? Rochester, what state? I'm sorry he isn't supporting you through this. You deserve some compassion and support! When/What are you having done, if you don't mind my asking?

Carrie

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