I feel soooo alone...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2004
I feel soooo alone...
2
Fri, 01-14-2005 - 10:19pm

hi everyone,

these past few days i have felt so awful, my abusive husband left for a couple days, (so nice) but at the same time i feel so anxious about him coming back, i hate the thought of it, i love when he is not around, i can be myself. Today i have been crying on and off all day just cause i feel like im a emotional wreck!, I started smoking again, i had quit 3 months ago, but ever since i have been planning my escape i felt the need to start again.

I feel like i have no-one to talk to, all my friends, well the ones i have left thanks to husband, arent really around and my family are all busy with there own lives, the only one who knows about my problem is my sis and you guys. But she is expecting a baby anytime and i dont want to drown her with all my problems. I just hate all these emotions i have been having this last week, one day im pissed off at the world, and at hubby, next day im happier than a whistle cause i know im getting out of here, and than some days like today i feel like total s***, i feel lost and scared...like im going crazy.

This planning to escape and hiding all of the abuse is starting to take its toll, i feel like i want to tell the world but i know i cant, not till i have enough money to leave. Its like im so happy but at the same time im mad and sad because i am still living with him. I am so sick of all the pain and emotion, and reality of all the abuse im ready just to stay and forget about all of it, but i think my sis would freak if i decided to stay..i bet if i never told her i would just stay and ignore it all like i have for the past 5 years...it feels like everyone is living life and having fun but me, when will it all end!?!?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2004
Fri, 01-14-2005 - 10:38pm
You say you want out, so I don't think you'd be willing to ignore it & just stay forever if your sister didn't know. Plus the fact that you told your sister shows you were doing something to help get yourself out of the situation. If you have to stay... are there ways you can get away safely & find support? Maybe go to church, meet with your sister on a regular basis for coffee, etc, just so you can get away from it for a little while, keep talking about it & also have some fun! Sorry for the run on sentence. Hang in there. You've made it this far.
Avatar for itsgoodtobeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 01-14-2005 - 11:29pm
You are not alone. Many of us know the feelings and I say if this seems like the hardest thing you will ever have to do then it is the thing most worth doing. It will end but not tomorrow that I know. It is a process and it is not easy. When I was where you were I read the board and replied to everyone and read the archives and did anything to keep my mind from thinking about my situation. There is alot of wisdom here and on the homepage and in the archives. Know you are not alone and believe it or not all the emotions are normal for leaving. Somedays your mad,sad, happy, confused, tired, wired, you will go through it all and sometimes all at once. Keep your eye on the prize the freedom of abuse and go through all the emotions they all have their purpose. Mad help keeps you strong, sad is morning the future you thought you would have but know you can't,happy is the thougts of being free, confused is where you start to question yourself, tired is just when you have had it, wired is when you can't wait to leave, each serves a purpose and you can use each to help you. I personally liked the mad like I told you before it will help keep you strong. The worst is the confused and tired but that is the time to bring back the mad or happy. I think mad is easier to bring back on the roller coster, but the happier will work too. When will it all be over when enlightenment sets in but that takes a long time. Nothing worth doing is easy I've learned that one. HUGS and Prayers dear. YOu are not alone know that. I lived on this board for a long time espically after I left my co workers and kids were worried about all the time I spent online but here I was understood and here people knew what I was going through and here I was safe. Sounds crazy but it kept me strong and out and I will be forever grateful to the wonderful people here. More HUGS and Prayers dear.>Jo