I feel like such an idiot

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
I feel like such an idiot
13
Wed, 02-14-2007 - 9:14am

Hey there --

I'm new to this board, although I've been lurking for a while. I've read every book out there on verbal abuse, read all of the postings here about how to recognize abuse, been to a million other websites about verbal abuse. I know my boyfriend of 4 1/2 years is verbally abusing me.

We just got back from vacation together. It's the fifth year that we've gone away together. We don't live together, so the only time we spend more than 2-3 days at a time together is when we are on vacation.

The vacation was (as all of them have been) miserable. He threatened to break up with me. He accused me of cheating. He accused me of being jealous. He screamed and swore at me when I missed a turn when we were driving. He consistently beat me up verbally about my inability to read a map. He called me high maintenance when I wanted to leave a bar at 3:00 a.m. because the bathrooms were plugged and gross and I wanted to go back to the hotel to pee. He insisted I pee on the beach and go back and drink some more. He told me I had my head up my ass and that I was whacked in the head when I suggested that I wanted my 17-year-old to travel around Europe before he started college. It just went on and on and on. Then on the way home, he said "I know we had some tiffs, but overall, don't you think it was a great vacation?" I didn't know what to say. I was miserable the whole time, with isolated incidents of fun. Not once did he compliment me. Not once did he say that he loved me or that he was glad to be there with me. There was no romance. There was sex (the only thing that works between us), but no warmth, no emotion.

In the last 4 1/2 years I have had so so so many discussions with him about anger management, using harsh words, agreeing to fair fighting rules, etc. He has made promise after promise to change and broken every promise. Last August he threatened yet again to break up with me and I told him that the next time he threatened that he'd better be prepared for it to come true. So when he made the threat on this vacation, I decided I had to follow through with my promise to make it so.

I sent him a five page email yesterday breaking up with him. He hasn't read it yet. Here's the kicker -- I actually feel guilty knowing that he'll read it on Valentine's Day. After all the crap he's put me through, calling me names, yelling and swearing, withholding affection, etc. -- I feel guilty for breaking up with him. What's that about? I'm actually sitting here wondering if there's any possibility that he'll finally see the light and change his ways so that we can live happily ever after.

I know that I deserve better. I know that I should have ended it with him a long time ago. My friends don't like him. My family doesn't like him. They're sad that I keep staying with him. Why, when I know better, do I hang in there? I've gotten counseling twice during the period I've been with him. The first counselor was a man and I stopped going to him when he asked me out on a date. Sigh. The second counselor was a woman (who I really like), but I didn't get any closer to kicking him to the curb while I was counseling with her.

I know that I have to be done with him. I know it. But I love him, and like all the other abusers, the good times are really good. The bad times are really bad. I hate the damn roller coaster ride.

I need to stick to my guns and stop hoping that he'll change. They don't change. Please send me some stories about how unlikely it is that he'll ever be different.

Thanks!
Lisa

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2007
Wed, 02-14-2007 - 2:25pm

Hi Lisa, Welcome to the board :o)


Okay, your post definitley is bringing back some memories of my abuser. He was verbally and emotionally abusive towards me. It never got physical when I was with him, but I bet if I stayed any longer it would have got physical.


You have made a big step and that is that you know he is abusing you. It is so easy to deny deny deny for so long, but it eventually will eat you up... so good job on realizing that he is abusing you. He is doing a lot of damage to you by verbally and emotionally abusing you. He is destroying your self esteem.


I'm so sorry to hear about the vacation you had with him. I hate that he said "I know we had some tiffs, but overall, don't you think it was a great vacation?" He doesn't think he did anything wrong, that is why he thinks it was a great vacation!! Clearly it wasn't. His way of thinking is, if he is okay and fine and dandy, then you should be too. It doesn't matter that you are still hurting because if he is fine then you should be to. He isn't even thinking about your feelings at all. He is being selfish and that will not change with abusers! Ever!


It is very normal to feel guilty about hurting him... it's because you are human and you have feelings! All abusers do it bring us on a rollercoaster ride... they treat us like sh*t over and over again and the one time we do something kind-of bad, we feel guilty! It is normal, but you shouldn't feel guilty or sad.. but it's hard not to.


"I'm actually sitting here wondering if there's any possibility that he'll finally see the light and change his ways so that we can live happily ever after." ***I highly doubt that he will change his ways. You said yourself that he breaks promise after promise. That is what abusers do, they make promises to get you in the trap, then they break them, then they apologize and then get you back in the trap. It doesn't matter that he broke every promise, because he knows that you will go running back to him when he is in the honeymoon stage. (I don't mean you personally, just everyone in general)


If your friends and family don't like him, that is a huge sign. They see things in him that they do not like... my family didn't like my abuser either.. it was really tough. My abuser tried to distance me from my family. It worked for awhile, but eventually he just wasn't worth it. He was an abuser and he was not the one that would distance me from my family. I hate him for that.


I say you should check into a counsellor that specializes in Domestic Abuse... or check out your local womens' shelter.. you can probably get some counselling there.


1% of abusers change, that is 1%... sure not very high.. and not very likely they will change. Yes, it seems like we all have so much hope that our abuser will be that 1% that will change.... but even if he did change, will it be okay? Will you be able to forget and forgive him for the way he treated you? I know that I couldnt.


Good Luck.. and I hope you stick around :o)




L A U R E

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Wed, 02-14-2007 - 4:36pm
Thanks Lauren -- that 1% is the number I am trying to keep foremost in my thoughts. I just re-read the email I sent him after our first vacation together in February 2003. It's pretty much an exact duplicate of what I sent him yesterday. Of course he won't change. If he could change he would have already, right? Normal people don't yell and swear for making a wrong turn.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Thu, 02-15-2007 - 8:02am

Well -- he got the email yesterday and left a bunch of voice mails on my phone late last night. They were all rants. He called me a passive-aggressive game player. Accused me of cheating on him. (Not at all true.) Said he never wanted to speak to me again. That'll be tough, because we have some financial issues to take care of. I'm taking xanax so that I don't cry all day at work. Why do I love this jerk? Of course he said that I'm blaming him for all the problems in our relationship and taking no responsiblity for my part in it. He beat me up because he got the email on Valentine's Day (I knew he would). Nevermind that in the last five Valentine's Days, he's never so much as bought me a card or said that he loves me. Now all of a sudden Valentine's Day is a big, important holiday.

I am just so sad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2007
Thu, 02-15-2007 - 6:24pm

Of course he won't change. If he could change he would have already, right? Normal people don't yell and swear for making a wrong turn.


If he could change, it would take years and years of counselling, long term therapy.. etc.. etc... AND he would have to want to change also. Most abusers don't think they have a problem, so why would they want to go to the trouble and change.. you know what I mean? Also, no, to me most people would not yell and swear for making a wrong turn. Like who cares is what I think... go to the next block and turn around. Abusers seem to make a mountain out of a mole-hill... Well that is what my abuser was like... everything was SUCH a BIG deal!!

L A U R E

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2007
Thu, 02-15-2007 - 6:32pm

I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Fri, 02-16-2007 - 8:37am

Oh this is good--

I sent him the email telling him in no uncertain terms that we are done. On Valentine's Day, late at night, he left me abusive messages accusing me of having affair.

Yesterday he calls, and acts like all is well. Told me he had seen his mom and told her we a little tiff because he didn't say I love you while were on vacation. I told him -- it's a lot more than a little tiff. He said "hey, I have to go honey, I'll call later." Are they all insane?

So now I've sent him another email telling him that we are not having a tiff, in fact we are breaking up. Does he think if he just ignores it, it will go away?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2006
Fri, 02-16-2007 - 6:43pm
I was on this board pretty regularly a few months back, but I dropped out becuz I thought my abuser had gotten somewhat 'better.' He seems to sense when I have totally had it with him. I swear the day after I called a domestic violence hotline, he got better. . .for a while. I just want to say that I have put up with (and continue to) with a lot of verbal and mental abuse for approx. 7 years with my abuser. He sounds so much like yours and I would react the same. It doesn't matter that he ruined every holiday that we ever spent together - if I heard him crying or if he seemed like he was in pain, I would feel awful and be right back there giving him another chance. However, I want to post my warning because I would have never believed it - even though it is probably close to being a fact. But, mine recently crossed the line into physical abuse. I would have denied that this would have ever gotten to this point - but I can see now that it WILL. Basically what happened was I was at my abuser's house and as usual, I didn't feel happy being there. Sometimes I think he thinks he is being funny but i feel that he is "tweaking" me or deliberately agitating me. We ended up in one of our usual arguments about how I don't make enough effort in the relationship (of course everything wrong is my fault). I said a few things that maybe I should not have - I can have a salty tongue when I want to. and I got up to walk out of his house. I wasn't even walking out angrily - it was very calmly and I just think he knew that if I left, that would be IT. I would have never guess it, but when my hand touched the door handle, he very meanly and aggressively dragged me away from the door and we started struggling. I got away and tried to get out AGAIN and he again grabbed me, twisted my arm, dragged me to the floor, grabbed me on both sides of my head and bounced my head off his living room floor twice. It is carpeted, but I did feel the hard floor beneath it. I was screaming and freaking out - I truly could not believe this was happening. He had never done this before! He wouldnt' let me leave. I just sat there sobbing and then tried to calm down so that I could try and 'act' okay so I could leave. My head hurt for a week after that - but my insides and my heart and crushed. I kept yelling at him that he is abusing me - and he told me that I am exaggerating. As much as a jerk as he can be at times, I swear that I would have NEVER SEEN THIS COMING. So, I just want to tell you that if you can walk thru the pain - do it. stay away from him. Everything you said about yours sounds so much like mine. And of course when he wants to be nice, etc., he can be. I am ashamed this happened - and I do plan on calling that hotline again to look for a support group. Because it is obvious to me that when the point comes that I really have the courage to end it once and for all, I want to know what I might encounter. Because I was not expecting that. Please, please try and move on NOW at this point. The more he gets to know you, the more he can read you and figure out what you may do or whether you are willing to take him back, etc. - it all paves the road for your future. It did with mine and I am so depressed. all I did was tell my abuser that if he ever even so much as grabs my arm in an angry way again, that it is over for good. I am sure he didn't believe me. But I have to believe me and I have to make sure that this never happens again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Fri, 02-16-2007 - 7:20pm

Thanks Tired --

I am scared now. He has thrown things -- never at me, but near me. He's hit his own head with his hands. He put his head (yes his head) through a door when his 15-year-old son said "f---k you" to him. He used to bar brawl quite a bit back in the day. I've seen him get physical with other men. He has never physically threatened me, but your story really scares me. I see the similarities and I can see the potential for violence in him. I am going to run and not look back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Fri, 02-16-2007 - 7:27pm

Also Tired -

I understand why it's so hard for you to leave him. I would like to think that if my BF physically harmed me that I would be done, but I'm not so sure about that. You don't know how you'll react until you're in that situation. I think there is an element of challenge to it all. You want to be the one that he loves enough to overcome his violent tendencies. That's kind of sick, but I think it's true.

I have enough self-esteem to leave him. I wouldn't be alone for long. We don't live together, so I don't need him financially. There's no good reason for me to stay with him other than I love him. But there are plenty of men out there more worthy of my love than he is.

I'm really going to try to leave. YOu should try to leave too. We need peace in our lives. Should we do this together?

((Hugs)))

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2006
Sat, 02-17-2007 - 9:55am

Hugs to both of you. You are having it rough right now. Be strong and make a plan to get out when you are ready. You are right to be wary. Abusers do tend to get more violent and escalate their behavior when they feel they are losing control. Make your plans, contact a DV hotline and get more info/help. I'd also advise confiding your plans in a trustworthy/nonjudgemental friend, who will know what you plan and be aware of where you are at all times possible. That way someone knows if you haven't been heard from.


My abuser also physically restrained me and locked me in my own home and that is a scary feeling. At first, you panic and are in shock because you never expected it to come to this. Then, you calm down and go into self-protect mode. You do and say anything that you think will get you out alive. I have a friend who I talked to at least daily. She knew the morning of my incident that something had gone on during the night, but we didn't have time to get into details...He broke into my home at about 8:30 am and had cut the phone/cable wires before entering. Thank God I happened to be on the cell phone with my aunt, telling her the crazy stuff that had happened during the night. I screamed when I saw him and she called the police. I managed to get out into my backyard, running and screaming, but he caught me and dragged me back in. He then locked me in and stood over me, while I huddled in the floor hysterically crying. Not really understanding why this was happening. He babbled on, but I don't remember much of what he was saying.


Long, long story short... He ended up freaking out when the cops quietly pulled up out front and dragged me to my room in the back of the house, where he started smothering me from behind with both hands...to keep me from screaming so hopefully the police would just go away. When I bit him trying to get loose to breathe, he shoved my face into my mattress. All I could think of was my kids' would come home and find me dead, that they wouldn't have a mother... The cops did break in the door and he jumped out a window...they eventually caught him and he is in jail.

Stephanie

Pages