I feel like this was my fault.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
I feel like this was my fault.
3
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 2:23pm
I am so frustrated right now. I just wrote a very long post, explaining my situation and i accidently closed out of ivillage and lost everything.

Now I am going to write a much shorter version, becuase I just don't have time to re-write all of this.

I've been in a relationship for close to 4 years. things have been rocky, but i know my bf loves me very much and wants us to get married. i've broken up with him twice, not because of abuse, just because i'm not completely happy. i feel like we are very different sometimes.

he has sever anger issues because he was badly abused by his mother growing up. He has never hurt me physically, and he never loses his temper unless he is drunk. he doesn't drink that often and is not an alcoholic, but when he does get drunk, he can snap.

he has gotten into several physical fights since i've known him. he has punched 2 holes in our walls. He has grabbed my wrists once during an argument and pushed me down on the bed.

A couple years ago we were camping with his mother, and we were all drinking. His mother said something that triggered a childhood memory, and he threw his drink in her face and starting calling her names. She picked up a chair like she was going to throw it at him and he slapped her face and pushed her down.

Over the last couple of weekds i've been really questioning my feelings and have not been happy with my boyfriend. i feel like i've been putting up a wall and pushing him away. Wednesday night we went out with a few friends and we were having a great time, we were all drinking heavily because we hadn't been out in a long time and we were all just having a lot of fun. I got really really drunk, to the point of not really knowing what's going on around me. I ended up flirting with a guy and following him, or he grabbed me and pulled me into the men's bathroom. I don't really remember exactly how I got in there. But this guy and I kissed, I know, really bad judgment on my part. After we kissed my boyfriend walked in the bathroom and saw us both standing there. He of course freaked out. He punched the mirror and shoved me to the ground. I got up and ran to my friend and we went outside the bar and hid. i didn't want him to see me, i knew he was raging. I was just standing there crying, trying to figure out what I did, and why. I felt horrible. About 10 minutes passed and someone found me and told me that my bf had trashed my car. I noticed the cops were by my car, so I felt safe enough to walk over there. When i saw my car I just began weeping. he had punched out the windows and stomped in the windshield, also dented the side in two places. This is my cute VW Jetta that I bought 6 months ago. The cops asked if i wanted to press charges and It wasn't even a second thought to say no. So he wasn't arrested. I left with my friend, and my bf was trying to find me I guess, so his friend that he was with had someone call the cops on him and he ended up going to jail for the night until he sobered up.

Yesterday he tried calling me all day, crying about how badly he felt and how sorry he was. He said that he blacked out and doesn't really remember anything after seeing me in the bathroom. I told him that I need space to figure things out and I don't want him calling me. Of course he's aready called just because he needed to hear my voice and say that he loved me.

i feel so confused, becuase I know him seeing me in the bathroom with another guy was probably so horrible for him. plus he was so drunk. I already feel like calling him and telling him I love him and I know he would never do that his right mind.

i'm just not sure about what I should do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2004
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 2:51pm
Ok..here goes dear...

I am going through a similar situation. My H a few weeks ago got very violent with me also. (Read my post My Story). But, here is what I can say..

My H is also from a very violent childhood, parents ran drugs step father beat all in the house including the dog etc..

BUT... IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Was it my fault to get thrown down stairs because I wanted to watch a movie in peace? no, and even though you were drunk and kissed a guy... over reation on your bf part.

I to get the your worthless comments, the verbal assaults etc.. and yes my H tells me that when he gets mad it is a reaction to my actions and if I hadnt done it first he wouldn't be mad, but guess what....my actions do not warrant the torrent of abuse that i receive...

Please just believe in yourself. I know I am starting to believe in me and you know what I AM a good person and so are YOU! :-)

Much love to you

Aquarian Starseed

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 6:52am
Honestly? Run from this situation and don't look back. This bf already has a MULTITUDE of issues that only HE can properly address. The major concern is that he was abused in his past....he is going to have a LOT of anger--and nothing YOU do will change that. He has shown you, again and again, how he is....what more do you need to see? It is just a matter of time before he turns that anger and rage against you. Think about the camping trip when he threw the drink at his mother and the physical (or near) altercation ensued...honey, this WILL NOT go away with time or get better on its own.

In my opinion, be done with him...already you are not happy with him....I would even suggest going into therapy to look at why you were attracted to him in the first place, so that you may avoid repeating picking the same type of wounded man again (it seems to be a common theme with most of us).

Run, don't walk from this situation. This time it was your VW Jetta. Next time, it may be you!

big hugs

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 5:17am

Hi sarahrj...Lots of violent men use “blackouts” as a way to cover up and get away with what they do.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

- Maya Angelou