I feel worthless

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2005
I feel worthless
6
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 9:04pm
My husband really hurt me last weekend and just keeps it right up. We were at a birthday party for his grandma and we were standing by her at the end saying goodbye. I went to grab my husband to hug him and he slapped me away and mad this horrible cruel face at me. I was so embarrassed and hurt. I just kept calm there and asked him about it later and he didn't remember doing it! Either that or he's lying.
This isn't a biggie but it's a control thing - I was thinking about getting a tattoo. My husband says it's trashy and said I have tol talk about it with him before I do it. what the heck? I dyed my hair blond which he hates and never ceases to remind me. CONSTANT with the dye it back red. He'll even say that sex is less exciting bc I am not a redhead anymore. I think he is mad bc guys look at me. But they looked at me when I had red hair.
He's always mad at me or giving me this disapproval look like I am his daughter. He's even scolded me in public like a child. What am I doing so wrong?
Yet he tells me he loves, me and how sexy I am and how happy I make him..It's like he has to counterbalance that with insults to keep me in line. And when we argue, if he cries or shows sadness, I can't believe it anymore bc it all seems like manipulation to me. I don't believe any feeling he shows anymore bc he is a master manipulator. Like he's trying to keep me off balance or something.
And he buys me lots of stuff though. He is always giving me gifts. I told him quit spending money and let's spend time together doing stuff we both like.
I am so at a loss as to what to do. Any thoughts on what I've posted?
There is something else which I feel guilty about...I am friends with a man who I am attracted to. He is so much different than my husband and he makes me feel good. He is married so I know that nothing can develop. But I get the feeling he is trying to get me to be more than just friends. And sometimes I am tempted bc I am not getting what I need from my husband. And sometimes I think if he saw that I had to go to another man, he'd wise up bc he doesn't listen when I try to talk to him. Nothing physical has happened with this guy but the more I talk to him the more I want to just say what the hell and do it. Any words of wisdom? I am miserable...I spend a lot of time depressed and I feel like I am being cheated out of life.
Thanks :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2005
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 9:24pm
I think I understand how you are feeling, I won't say I "know", because I don't, I'm not you. I too have been in the same situation where I have felt so lonely because of how my husband has isolated, degraded and ridiculed me. I guess I have to keep remembering that I don't want to do anything to compromise "who I am and what I believe about relationships". You are right, he is trying to keep you on edge so to speak, keep you off balance. My H does the same thing, goes from being a complete and total jack*** to acting like nothing ever happened and telling me how "hot" I am, etc., "whatever" is all I have to feel about the stuff he says now..... Love isn't just "feeling" it's showing, and someone will not only be able to tell you how much they love you, they will show you and you will feel it without wondering. I am still in the thick of it too, but, I do tell myself these things everyday, that someone will treat me better. I just don't want to stoop to his level by falling into another relationship when I'm still reeling from this one. I would think you need time to heal, just my thoughts. There will always be someone there who is going to comfort, console, etc.. Don't set yourself up for another disappointment so soon.... Not trying to tell you what to do, sorry.... I would like to think you aren't looking for temporary comfort. Like the rest of us you are looking for a partner, someone who is "equal". You will find that someday, believe that. You can't change the one you're with, you can only change what you are willing to put up with. I too am trying to follow my own advice. Stick with us on this board, we'll grow together.......
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 9:54pm

I totally agree w/howdidi.....and yes you are right, it is a control issue.

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2005
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 11:21pm

cl-wishful knows what she is talking about, and no, that doesn't mean we make immediate decisions, she has made it clear that what we do is in our own time and that is what i love about this board. wishful, you have come so far and are such an inspiration to the rest of us......

Don't feel worthless, that is what HE wants, don't fall into it. I try to remind myself every day, "I am worth it, I can do it, I am an equal, I will be okay". It is a process, it takes time. I am still working on it myself. Wishful has been there, she supports you and the time you need to make to make the choice you need to make. We will be here, no matter what that choice is. In the short time I have been here I have gone back and forth between wanting to be with my H and not wanting to be with him. I am learning to take care of me, not him, I hope you do the same.

Another man doesn't solve anything, it just adds all the more confusion. I know that is hard, we are all looking for comfort, somebody that cares. We can't provide all you need, but, we will be here to listen. Take care, continue to grow and post....

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
Sat, 10-08-2005 - 12:51am

I agree fully with everyone else on this. A relationship can have its ups and downs, but shouldn't chronically hurt. Time to find a solution and that may just call for drastic measures such as calling it quits. Only you know for sure what the right thing to do is. As far as being attracted to another man, I can fully understand why after being treated like dirt, another man that treats you with respect and like an equal would be so attractive. But may I make some comments to some things you said?

"And sometimes I think if he saw that I had to go to another man, he'd wise up bc he doesn't listen when I try to talk to him."

Other men, women....whatever.....are never a way to instill wisdom. It's either there or it's not. This could potentially backlash into your face. I don't think he will suddenly become the kind and loving man that you deserve if he sees you with another man. The risk of some very messy, nasty results are high. When you have been suffering from pain and drama for so long, it is probably best to avoid the possibility of MORE pain and drama.

You also said:

"Nothing physical has happened with this guy but the more I talk to him the more I want to just say what the hell and do it."

Not only do you risk being seriously used by a guy who might argue that he isn't getting what he wants from his wife, but you must remember that there is another woman on the other end too. Whatever results come from your moving forward with this are going to affect her. My opinion on married men is that sure, if they don't cheat with me, they will possibly cheat with someone else and cause that inevitable pain to their family, but why do I want to be the one to help them be involved in that mess? When anyone is with the wrong person, I think that it is best fully and emotionally move on before going on the rebound prematurely. Then you will have the strength necessary to deal with any future serious relationships properly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Sat, 10-08-2005 - 6:57pm

Chiming in with the others, Red.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2005
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 11:15am

Hey Bigred, I am new here, but I feel like I can relate to what you are saying because that is how my df used to treat me--as far as pushing me away when I wanted to be affectionate.

It made me feel so miserable and loney that I cannot even explain. He would blatantly ignore me and make me feel unwanted and make me feel like I bugged.

Eventually (and I am not telling you to do this because it is very bad) I felt like my heart hardened. We would go places and I would talk to everyone BUT him, I would hug everyone but him, and I really didn't care if he ignored me or not because I was ignoring him.

Long story short, I ended up talking to a lot of male friends, and though I did not physically cheated, I began to live a life that was a lie.

Now, I feel completely physically and emotionally disconnected from my df and I am not even sure what I am doing with him.

I hope you keep your head up and continue to make the same good decisions.

please do not feel worthless. You could never be worthless