I fell apart again
Find a Conversation
| Sun, 07-10-2005 - 10:47am |
I went to church today with mother and son. I haven't been there for over a year, but many of the same people are there. One of the guys who has been trying to encourage me to come back was there and was very happy to see me. I asked his wife, who is in charge of the sunday school, if my son could join today. Ok, so that comes after the children's sermon and I would follow her to make sure my son was comfortable.
Then I saw one of the guys from the US embassy who was supe.. sopenaed... forced to come to court by request of AHL to testify. He was leader of the boy scouts and I had got AHL involved with them previously as a way to try to make things better for him. The guy was pretty angry about having to go to court, as was told to me by my friend who acted as a witness that day as well (only after I asked her if she would though, unlike AHL). I was already nervous when I saw him. I always liked him but I was afraid of what he would think after AHL may have filled his ears with lies about me. It also brought back a rush of memories of that court date. He walked by and looked down at me with a bit of a dirty look. I guess I was hoping that he would kind of give even a small smile (I tried to smile at him) as a way to say 'no hard feelings'. Well, I started to fall apart at that point. I followed the kids to the classroom in the back but then fell apart in the hallway. The lady in charge of the sunday school was surprised and asked what was wrong. I stuttered something about Jeff (the guy I saw) and how he was there at court and I just feel so bad. She said 'it's ok, you come in and have a drink of water....but don't come in until you stop crying'. Then she left me there and followed the other school teacher inside with the kids. The rest of the congregation was still at the service.
Well, I didn't stop crying for a good hour. Rather than stand there in the hall, I stepped outside and sat on the steps in a total mess. One lady from the church walked by and stared at me like I was a leper. Other than that, nobody ever came to see how I was. The service ended and my mother came looking for me, found me out on the steps. I slinked away home through the alley because I was so embarrassed about the red eyes.
I feel like such an outsider in that church. My mother said it was ok if I wanted to be alone. I told her I DIDN'T want to be alone. I just didn't want to show my face like this to everyone. I really wanted someone to talk to. I really wanted to talk to that guy Jeff and know if he really doesn't think so poorly of me. I DID NOT want pity, just understanding. It's a small congregation and they DO know me so it isn't that I am a stranger. It just hurts. I really want to be a part of their group, but I don't think they feel the same about me.
Perhaps I should just keep it one on one with God rather than be part of a congregation. I remember a very nice experience not so long ago. I was taking a walk through the forest and found a small farm with a small chapel built in a field. It was over 1000 years old. Very dark, damp, still had reminants of frescoes of saints painted on the walls. It seated maybe 10 people? Very small. You could hear only the cow bells and the wind in the forests nearbye. Nobody is ever around there and so I sat in there and cried my eyes out to God. It was during the days I was in the middle of the horrible situation with AHL. I walked out of there feeling so much better and stronger.
Back to today....Even after I came home, I kind of hoped someone would give me a call, just to check up on me. I really wanted to speak to the pastor too. But nobody called and I feel too uncomfortable to call them. I just wanted to get this aweful day off my chest, since I feel absolutely miserable, shameful, embarrassed....

Big hugs to you, sweetie, it's okay. He'll be cranky for a while, but you didn't do anything wrong. You have nothing to be ashamed of. I tend to find that the best way to deal with a situation like this is to pretend like I don't notice that anything is different and I just act naively cheerful, even if they're scowling at me, until they forget why they're scowling and feel silly for being upset with me in the first place. Occasionally it makes them madder, but frankly I just find that funny. If they want to be all mean, well, they can drag *themselves* down emotionally, they can just knock themselves out. It's their nickel. Yes, it still hurts inside, because we all want people to like us all the time, but it's just not possible to please everyone all the time. The sooner we stop trying, the sooner we can get back to enjoying life (or start, as the case may be).
As for how to worship God, whatever brings you peace, that's what you should do. What's the point of being with others if being with them causes the comfort of the Spirit to leave?
I often find, though, that people are thinking of me WAAAAY less often (and way more favorably) than I imagine they do. Try not to let what you *think* others think drive you away from people that might genuinely care about and like you.
Gotta run, but again, hugs to you.