I finally stood up for myself!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2011
I finally stood up for myself!
3
Fri, 05-13-2011 - 12:30pm

I'm so proud of me. I finally stood up for myself! And... now, I feel guilty about it. I wrote the details on my blog, but I'll repost here: (Sorry for the length)

It sounds so silly, but my own anger makes me nervous. I don’t like getting so wrapped up in anger, hatred and vile disgust that I start picturing the offending party under violent circumstances. I don’t like it. I think part of me worries that I might just do what I imagine. That I really will take a baseball bat to his car or just run him over with my car. I know that’s crazy. I don’t even kill bugs. I think they have a right to live out their hard-working eleven day lifespan free from some human squishing them.

I can honestly say, I killed an ant just the other day. And, I killed a spider in ’98. But, that’s it. If you’ve read some of my previous posts, you’ve seen that I’ve endured some pretty nasty circumstances where I have become a repeated target for violence in several different forms. I never want to become like those people who have hurt me. I have always wanted to take the higher moral ground. I never fought back because I firmly stood by the belief that you never harm someone you care about.

Not only did I not want to hurt them, but I have seen fellow domestic violence support group members have their defensiveness used against them. In one such case, it was my best pseudo-friend in my group. Her husband was just has violent and crazy as mine, and she had two small children, three and six years old boys, I believe. She had her and the kids all packed up to leave while he was out. She was getting in her car and running back for one more item in the house, when he came home early.

[***POSSIBLE PTSD TRIGGER ALERT***]

Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-15-2011 - 11:44pm

when


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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2011
Mon, 05-16-2011 - 9:08am
It's a restraining order, not a protective order, so contact and he can even do visitation, just no harassment, threats or violence. It's a civil thing, not criminal. At the time, I thought it was a better thing to get because it was immediate. After the divorce I filed for a protective order, but it was denied because my idiot divorce attny actually had them stamp "No Domestic Violence" on my divorce decree after it was finalized for some stupid reason, so they couldnt consider anything before the divorce was finalized as a "history of violence."

This was in response to the first email he's sent me in two year, talking about how I was such a terrible person and needed to realize that I wasn't his wife anymore, how he was supporting his son financially and I wasn't allowing visitation. It was all complete lies, and I'm 99% sure his girlfriend wrote it. I spoke with my husband about it, and I felt I needed to respond just to get it all in writing that I called BS on him, should we ever go to court again. The anger was a byproduct, that I felt extremely guilty about immediately after, but in the end - I feel better just letting him really know where I stand. At heart, my ex-husband is a coward, so if he thinks they'll be a fight - he'll probably back off for awhile.
Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Tue, 05-17-2011 - 6:56pm

Wow, Chipper, that was a heck of an e-mail.

Mama Harmony