I find it hard to be mean to him

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
I find it hard to be mean to him
10
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 11:43am
when he does things like this ....he sent me a dozen red roses and balloons for my birthday this morning .Should I even thank him ?Not sure how to handle it .I feel bad for not calling and saying thanks ,but I know thats exactly what he wants me to do .I still feel bad .

Even though he tells me its not my fault... I cant help but feel it is in some way ,...he did tell me he needed me to do more, and that he wasnt feeling connected to me because of the distance ...But he really didnt give me a c

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 3:35pm

Hi & Happy Birthday!

Unfortunatley I don't know your whole story.... I am guessing that you were going out with him or were married and you are now not together....

Let me think what I would do in your situation. I always hear the No Contact rule to follow which is a great rule... but in this situtaion I would have a hard time. I would probably call when I knew he wouldn't answer and leave a short message saying thanks or I would send him a text message saying thanks for the flowers.

He probably doesn't even deserve a Thank-You but I would have a hard time not thanking him either... He is probably doing this because he knows what you're like and that you will have a hard time not calling him. You can try and just ignore him and try not to call... but your guilty consience might get to you for not saying thanks... But you know what you shouldn't feel bad about not thanking him.... You are obviously not with him anymore, and I'm guessing you were in an abusive relationship.

I know I've put a lot of options out there for you.. but I would probably be in the same situation as you.. Just wanting to say thanks.. but that's it!! Just do what you feel is right. Listen to your gut feeling.....

Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2006
Thu, 08-17-2006 - 12:53am

Isn't it a shame that we feel like this? I've been through the ringer w/ mine- physical, destruction of property, harassment & awful emotion abuse.

And then they say or do something that you're supposed to be greatful for. And you want to ignore it, then you feel bad.

If you two are 'over'- just don't respond. You'll just end up getting sucked right back in.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Thu, 08-17-2006 - 5:56am
Honey, he's playing you. Don't worry about being mean to him, worry about keeping yourself safe. This is the man who hit you, who chased you through the woods, who held a gun to your head, who abandoned you by the side of the road. This is the man who threatened your life during a telephone call to "work things out." All the red roses and balloons in the world are not enough to make up for five minutes in the company of a madman.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Thu, 08-17-2006 - 12:45pm
Now that I know some of the story... DO NOT SAY THANK-YOU!! He is a waste of your time and you deserve way better than him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2006
Thu, 08-17-2006 - 8:39pm
Remember me? Laptop? You emailed me and we discussed some things privately? Well I am here to tell you we have the same man.......My 21st wedding anniversary was Aug. 3rd.....it was also the date of the hearing set because he contested the restraining order I have on him......That morning, before court, I recieved a dozen roses with a card from him....he never did this before when we were together, funny he would do it that day!!!! And the first thing he told the judge was that it was our anniversary....like that had anything to do with the protective order. She was not impressed and neither was
I. I reported the flowers to the police dept. and then sent them to my ex mother in law who was in the hospital ( and sadly passed away two days later). But it is only a ploy to get you back....ignore him
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
Thu, 08-17-2006 - 10:25pm

Hi Laptop...been wondering how you were ...Well today ,in the mail , I got another gift ...a very expensive watch tha tI had been wanting for a long time ....I didnt call him ,instead when he called to "talk to the kids " he started begging me to let him come back home "

he is stil caling right this very ,moment bc I hung up on him .He was crying ,begging ,etc."how can you do this to me , how can you treat me so bad " "I wont ever hurt you again " " this isnt you ,my baby wouldnt ever treat me this way " " you dont treat your mom this way when she calls you "Its so crazy.(speaking of crazy,I found out today that he is on meds for schizophrenia...among the other mental problems that I told you about )

He will be mad that his tactics arent working ,and I am prepared for his next move ,which will most likley turn violent.he is runing out of tactics ,and is getting scared .I guess he thought he could buy me expesive gifts and I would take him back!!! LMAO

Love

Even though he tells me its not my fault... I cant help but feel it is in some way ,...he did tell me he needed me to do more, and that he wasnt feeling connected to me because of the distance ...But he really didnt give me a c

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2006
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 11:52am
hey there......you and I need to be very very careful right now......if you read my other message about the overnight events in your life.....you know why.....I don't wish to go into it for privacy reasons but there is something VERY fishy going on and I am afraid for you. I know his kind, they will stop at nothing to get their way, including destroying any chance at a happy life of any kind. Take his threats of 'no one else can have you' very seriously!!!!! I am worried that he is playing with you in ways that you cannot see and it is escalating really fast......do you have a restraining order??? This is creepy.....you know what I mean if you are following ALL of my emails from other places.......honey, I am twice as old as you but we are sisters in many ways.....this isn't even funny anymore....be mean to him.....he is responsible for your pain and continues to play you......email me please....I am sick to think this is going on....
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 6:47pm

No wonder you're feeling sick, love.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2006
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 11:46pm

I hate the fact that we're the victims that go through awful turmoil and we get the guilty feelings. I still have issues w/ feeling like I still have something to prove. I feel ok right now, because he is in straight mean, foul messages. but when he is sobbing, and blah blah blah...I get a bit down and feel like I need to do something..but more and more of me is more like god, shut the f*ck up.

*sigh*

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 08-20-2006 - 12:56am

I didnt know youre story till i read this:


This is the man who hit you, who chased you through the woods, who held a gun to your head, who abandoned you by the side of the road. This is the man who threatened your life during a telephone call to "work things out." All the red roses and balloons in the world are not enough to make up for five minutes in the company of a madman.


DO NOT RESPOND. Throw it IN THE TRASH. No one who does the above to you has any decent loving bone in their body. PLEASE stay away & have NO CONTACT. I dont want you to be a statistic.

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