I flinched....am confused (very long)...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
I flinched....am confused (very long)...
11
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 9:56am
been taking some time off from the boards to try to sort my head out. I'm in such a quandry about what to do, as most of us go through at some point, and I am struggling.

First I want to ask you.....do you believe in "signs" or just mere coincidences? Think about it.....then read this and tell me what you honestly think:



As you know, I've filed for divorce...have become more settled with the idea, though there are many unknowns, its scary, but I have been facing my fears head on.



Also you know that my h has been playing up the begging, crying, pleading role like crazy. I haven't flinched--and keep coming back with "you've had 7 YEARS to prove to me otherwise"...blah, blah, blah.



In the past week, he has not asked me to stop proceedings, only to say that he is so sorry for ever treating me the way he has and hopes that someday I find it in my heart to forgive him for his mistreatment of me. He's been to psychiatrist, a psychologist and another type of counselor trying to find the "right" one. I gave him the name of a man that has worked with abusive men and said this is the ONLY one I would accept---he said "ok".



In addition, I don't know if I ever mentioned to you that I stopped going to Church in Sept. 2001, the Sunday before 9/11. Partly because, at the time, I really felt my prayers where going unanswered--despite all that I was trying to do "right" (according to the Church/religion)...partly because a priest was talking about marriage--and how sometimes we need to "carry our cross" with problems in it. I thought "what the F&*^ does a PRIEST know about marriage" and he said other stuff that I found offensive, though I can't remember specifics. Anyway, I stopped going and I stopped praying. Then I started delving into other spiritual practices, including Buddhism and Hinduism. I kind of gave up on the God idea for a while...still kinda do, don't know where I stand on all that these days. I believe in some things, not all things.



Anyway.....so Thursday evening, I find myself still kind of lost and confused about all this. Wondering which direction to go into. For the first time in years, I found myself praying, well, more like talking, to God...and kind of saying "Look, I'm lost and I really have no clue which direction to go in....I wish you would send me SOME kind of sign to point me in the right direction". Of course, I went to bed and thought nothing of it....cried myself to sleep as usual (pms'ing, too).



Friday evening, I was reading the local newspaper....something I rarely do these days. In the local section, a small article catches my eye, about a law firm downtown that caught fire and sustained over $225,000 damage to it, causing the office to temporarily close



MY ATTORNEY OFFICE!



Sign or coincidence?

Besides REALLY freaking me out....it has me curious. I called my best friend and met her out at 11 pm that night, with another friend of ours. I asked them...they both said "whoa, that's weird" and felt it was a sign. At 2 am... my best friend and I drove to the office and we sat in the lot next to it. The upper floors were GUTTED and burned out, the lower floors did not seem so bad and my atty is on the lower floor. My best friend, who has seen the best and worst of my h, and is more than supportive of me (in any direction I go in really)....said that this would cause her pause to consider, but she doesn't know what, if anything, that means.

Yesterday, before a job interview, I called my attorney's office (which is being forwarded to another place) and said to put it on "hold" for 2 weeks while I try to clear my mind. I had my job interview, Federal government position....great job, I had a GREAT interview, the money and benefits are there--I met all the people in the office (since its a small office) and they loved me (and told me so!)....the downfall, LOTS of travel. Like on average, 1 week a month, sometimes more. I have to wait about 2 weeks to see if I get a second interview.

My husband's response? This is a great opportunity for you, the money is there, its right up your alley, and it will give you the space that you need from me. (My h, btw, knows NOTHING about the fire and my 2 week pause.)

There is no way I could do this job as a single mommy, its such a wonderful foot in the door to the Federal system, which I have less then a year to get into before I'm blocked because of age restrictions.

I just read the post "How to know if he's changing"...I haven't read it in a while. He's doing all the things that indicate change.....BUT I don't know if I buy it. Change can only be measured by consistency over time (C=c/t? LMAO). The question now is....do I buy it and is it worth waiting to find out?

I layed everything out to my h yesterday....I told him that I no longer have any feelings for him, that I'm totally numb to him. I told him that he single handedly crushed my spirit and for that, there can be NO forgiveness for. I told him that when I was in pain or angry, I NEVER did the things to him that he did to me. I told him that I no longer know if I can stay with him because of all of this---that may not EVER be able to recover or heal in his presence. I told him IF I decided to wait, he would have to accept that I intend to keep my lawyer on retainer, INDEFINITELY.



My h is no longer blaming, accusing, or getting angry. He "appears" to be accepting. He accepts my anger and does not try to deny it nor gloss over it, in fact, says I have every right to be angry with him. He says that he never thought in a million years that I would file for divorce, esp. not having a job, and that has been the wake up call of a lifetime. He said he saw everything that he was losing (his wife and family). He is not asking for marriage counseling. He said he is looking to find out why he acts the way he does and wants to stop being mean and controlling...and he does not understand why he has done this.

I told him that I have been in DV counseling for some time...and he just hung his head. He didn't say "I've never abused you" or try to deny my reality....he just said, "I'm so sorry I've done this to you". He said, Please continue going---tell me when your appointments are, and I will make sure I am home for them, so you can get there, on time and not try to hide this and figure it out on your own.

Master manipulator or sincere repentant? Only time will tell. I told him, point blank, that I don't believe anything he says anymore....that only his actions will indicate to me what he is. I told him to hold NO expectations of me, that I can't give to this marriage...not now, not for a LONG time, IF there is any time left, that I have to search myself.

And I think, well, I can stay....and find a job (maybe this gov't job will work out!) and give it some time. He knows I have my lawyer and that he is on retainer and I will not hesitate to proceed.

Honestly, ladies (and guys!), I do not know what to think.

Please be gentle with your responses...I'm very, very raw right now.

dharma

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 1:22pm
Hi,

I haven't been here in quite some time.. but I was a frequent poster back in 2000, 2001.

I was 30 years old.. had been married for 6 years and had been through the same roller coaster that everyone living with an abusive partner goes through. The final straw for me was my ex threatening to kill me.. my 5 yr old heard it and told my mother she was afraid her daddy was going to kill her mommy. His excuse? If I hadn't been yelling, she wouldn't have woke up and heard him say that.. therefore it was all my fault.

Prior to that we had split twice. The first time I let him back after a week or so.. the second he moved out and was going to anger management classes. The classes lasted 14 weeks and 2 weeks before he graduated is when the death threat came. I also went to therapy with him.. all he did was argue with the therapist about how horrible I was and how all his problems stem from me. The therapist finally said that he needed separate counseling, that he was a danger to himself and me. So the say he threatened to kill me I threw him out. I went to bed that night feeling so relieved, only to be awakened by him standing over my bed. He had a key to the back door that I didn't know about. He came back because he was certain I had come to my senses and changed my mind. NO, I hadn't.. he was furious. I was scared he might hurt me and I had the phone in my hand, but he left again. The next few weeks he called all the time.. promised me the moon and stars.. was the man I knew and loved. I kept reminding myself about my kids... do I want my girls to think this is okay? Do I want them treated like this?? Do I want my son to treat women like this? NO! I had only been working part time and I had 3 very small children. I knew it was going to be one of the hardest things I ever did, but it was worth it. I managed to make it, and the first year was the hardest. He knew I relied on child support for daycare and food.. and he still paid it when he felt like it. I went on assistance for a few months until I could get back on my feet.. they also helped with daycare expenses for awhile. He pulled alot of crap, but in the end he was the same person as he had ever been. He has had no contact with the kids in 1 1/2 years and hasn't seen them in 3 years.. it goes without saying he's behind in child support. Last I checked it was $9650.00 in arrears. I have a great job now.. my kids are stable and happy, I have a new husband and I just bought a house. Things I could only dream of before. I know how you feel, I've been there.. wondering if he really is going to change this time. In reality they almost never do and I think you owe it to yourself to separate and move on. If he really does change he can prove it to you, but I wouldn't put my life on hold for it. I think you'll find once you get away from him how wonderful life can be. I told my mother that when Iw as with the ex I always had my head down and I ran from place to place. Now I stop, look around and enjoy the view!

Take care,

Jenna

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