I guess I back slid or something

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2006
I guess I back slid or something
5
Sat, 09-23-2006 - 11:45pm

So the other day I told him that I didnt think I wanted to move back in with him. I know that I dont, but I am scared of how he is going to react to knowing that he will never have his family living with him again so I just told him I wasnt sure.
He calls me constantly and I have to talk to him because the kids love him and want to see him, but I wish I never had to talk to him or see him again. I hate when he says I love you because then I have to say it back or have a huge conversation about why I didnt say it.
Today he took me and the kids to our old hometown where we used to live to get my son's prescription and on the way he gave me a hard time about a message board I visit online. I dont even post, I just go there and read. He hates me getting on the computer at all and never passes an oppurtunity to give me a hard time. I dont live with him, what gives him the right to chew me out about anything?
I just want to have this chapter of my life over, but I dont think it is ever going to be over. He is the biological father of two of my kids and the other two look at him as their dad since he is the only dad they have ever known. My daughter was only 6 months old when we got together and my sons dad stopped seeing him about 5 years or so ago. When they find out I dont want to live with him anymore they are going to be mad at me and I am sure they are going to think I am the bad guy in this.
How do I stop this? How can I make him see that our relationship is over? I am scared he will either commit suicide (he tried to the day he tried to kill me when he found out that I really was leaving) or start stalking me or kid nap my two youngest kids and disappear. I dont have the money to hire a lawyer and get custody orders put on record so if he took off with them, I couldnt do anything.
I am so frusterated now that I dont live with him, but he still has control of my life. He found out my parents went out of town this weekend so he showed up last night. The kids saw him first and let him in the house so if I told him to leave I would be the bad guy. I hate when he tries to kiss me. He never wanted to kiss me when we lived together, but now its all he talks about. Why is that?
I have to depend on his mom to babysit for me twice a week so once they find out that I really am leaving him I cant see her continuing to do me favors. She hasnt ever liked me anyway. He told his mom and sister that all I do is sit on the computer while he makes supper, cleans the house and helps the kids with homework. He never did any of that at all. I did it all, but in their eyes I am just a lazy freeloader looking for a meal ticket. He conviently forgot to tell them that I never worked because he wouldnt let me. And yes, even though I am an adult, he did prevent me from doing what ever he didnt want me to do.

I know this is long and kind of all over the place, but I have all these pent up emotions and thoughts and feelings and no way to release them that I have trouble putting them in order to make the best sense.
I really just wish there was a way to make him go away and leave me alone. I wish I wasnt such a chicken so I could just tell him it is over and let him deal with it however he wants, but I dont want the kids to blame me for whatever happens down the road.

If you have read this far, thank you. If you have any advice, I would love to hear it.

Crystal

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Sun, 09-24-2006 - 1:05pm

Hi Crystal,

He does not have the right to chew you out about anything. He sees that he is loosing control over you and he really will do anything to get that control back.

When you do decide that you are going to tell your children that dad isn't coming back you will need to be somewhat honest with them. I also think they will think of you as the bad gy (which you're not!) but children are so young, they don't understand things. Does the dad have any visitation rights or anything? Does the police have record of how he has been treating you? I was just wondering if you could move away from him. If you could just pack up and leave without him knowing. I know that probably wouldn't go over well with him... but I really don't know any options. I don't know all the laws with children and mom and dad.. I hope someone else can post and help you out. When you children are grown up I am sure that they will see their dad for who he really is. You will need to be honest with them when they are old enough to understand. They are too young now so that don't understand but one day they will.

You need to be honest about the relationship with him. It is so very difficult becuase you are afraid he will commit suicide. Threatining suicide is one of signs of the abusers responses to possible breakup. My abuser did threaten suicide. Can you just move to a new place in town where he won't know your phone number or address? I have no clue about the kissing thing! It would really bug me too. Is he just trying to suck up to you and say he is sorry.

Keep posting and good luck to you. You will do it when you know the time is right. You will just get a feeling that says you have had enough.

Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2006
Sun, 09-24-2006 - 6:51pm

He is definately trying to kiss up and say sorry. He is making me crazy. I cant move anywhere. I dont even have my own vehicle right now. He tore up my last van and refused to get it fixed or let anyone else work on it when I arranged for someone else to do it. He wouldnt let me work. We were living with his sister when he tried to kill me because we had no money at all and he didnt work all winter last year. We had been evicted from out house because he wouldnt work and would not let me work.
I live with my parents now and they wont let him come over, but dont protest too loudly when he calls. (If they had their way he would never call or come over)
Right now there is no custody or visitation on record. We are still married and INdiana it means that the cops wont get involved. I could keep them from him and he couldnt do anything past taking me to court to get orders issued. I dont want to do that though because it would ultimately just hurt the kids.
The police do not have record of how he has been treating me, but I think it is documented somewhere probably. The day he tried to kill me, he slit his wrist and had to go to the hospital for that. I dont know how much he told them about what all happend that day but probably not very much. The next day however he checked himself into the mental ward of a hospital and I know the story was told there, but I dont know if I can access that due to confidentiality. Back in October 2001 he beat the crap out of me and I called the cops then and he was charged with domestic battery. But thats the extent of anything that is documented.

The feeling that I've had enough? Yeah, thats here. I just wish it was easy to say to him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Sun, 09-24-2006 - 7:32pm

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2006
Sun, 09-24-2006 - 7:52pm

Thank you for your reply. You made a lot of sense and offered a lot of helpful advice. Its hard hanging up on him and doing something I feel may cause him to go off the deep end, but you are right. I do have to let it go and let him handle it like he will. I have no control over it.

I wish I had as much helpful support in real life as I do here, but I will take it where I can get it. I've said it before, but will say it again. This board is helping me so much. I feel stronger just reading here. It makes me sad that there is such a need for this board to exist, but I am sure glad it does.
Thanks again.
Crystal

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Sun, 09-24-2006 - 10:33pm

Hi Crystal,

I didn't have any help in real life when I was going through my abusive relationship either. I came to this board seeking help and advice. It sure did save me, because I don't know where I would be now if it wasn't for the board. I would probably still be with my abuser. I did not have anyone to talk with in real life. Nobody I knew has been in an abusive relationship. I also have found out over time that people that haven't been in abusive relationships really don't know what goes on. That is why I can't talk with friends about this - they just don't understand what I am going thru. Ya it might be a few bumps in the road, then a breakup but it really is so much more difficult if it was abusive. That is why I always tell people to post all they want. It really is great to know there is a board out there that people will help you in the worst possible time. We will always lend our support and offer advice to you.

Hugs. Lauren

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