I guess "nice cycle" is over

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2006
I guess "nice cycle" is over
7
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 12:01pm
I really thought things were getting better. We hadn't fought for a whole week which is pretty good for us. This week we haven't really seen much of each other, becuase he has been working over time to have extra money to get me somthing for Mother's Day. Which I thought was really nice. He never things of things like that. We had a little dispute Monday about me attending a bussiness banquet that my work was invited to. And he was upset for stupid reasons, I guess it was the whole jealousy thing. Maybe that I got dressed up and stuff or maybe because I have this great career opportunity in front of me and since he dropped out of highschool, he doesn't have the same opportunities as me. Who knows. Anyway, we got passed that, cause when I got home from the function, he appologized for not being more supportive. I thought that was great he did that! So, anyway, fastforward to yesterday. He works third shift so his normal hours are form 12-8am. But working over times it's been 12-12pm. So he's been sleeping all day till about 10pm. I went over to my parents house yesterday since they needed me to babysit my siblings. I got home after american Idol and putting the kids to bed. My son who is 17months old had been kinda cranky for the whole duration of me being at my parents. And he started back up again when we got home. Which woke HIM up. He started yelling at my son to "shut up" and "stop crying liek a girl." I hate when he talks to him liek that cause my son is just a baby and doesn't know any better. So he then started to come at me for spoiling him so much. And that my parents and I just spoil the heck out of him. I started to get irritated by him so I made the comment that ALL the grandparents spoil him. He then proceeded to yell and scream (I dont' even remember what about) and calling me names. Like "stupid bitch" f**king whore" and I had asked him nicely, keeping calm, for him to stop calling me names and that it wasn't nessacary!! He continued so I just left the room and started makeing his dinner and food to take to work. (when I get upset at him or depressed over somthing I have to keep busy so I was trying to do everything at that point) After finally making his food, my son coudn't stay awake any longer so I gave him a bottle and proceeded to put him to bed. H was still not done with his commments so he came to the bed room and we started to talk more calmly. But then out of no where our conversation esculated to him screaming horrible names at me again, and I just couldn't take it anymore!!! I SCREAMED for him to stop and get out of the room. At this piont I was pointing my finger at him. He snatched my finger and threatened to break it off. I was so LIVID at this point that he had touched me, that I pushed him off the bed, where he was sitting. Well, not sure if that was a good move on my end cause he came at me strong and grabbed me off the bed. Pushing and shoving me. But I was also shoving back and getting in his face cause I was so ANGRY!!!!! We started wrestling a little bit then he stormed off. Saying that he didnt' want to be with me anymore, he took the car keys off my key chain, and tried to wrestle me for my phone. But I wouldn't give it to him, he wanted to break it. He then continued to storm around the house and rip up our marriage pictures and he ripped off a couple of decorative things that he had put up with his tools. I coudn't take it anymore and by this time I was shaking and sweating, and re-fusing to cry so I took some of his clothes out of his closet cause he was already threatening to leave, so I said I would "help him out" so I through his clothes at him. He was just laughing and calling me a little girl. ANYWAY, I finally went to lay on the bed with my son who had already fallen asleep. All I could think about was what a bad mother I was for allowing him to get the better of me and making me that angry. How I was a bad mother to my son and to the unborn baby I have inside of me. Which I feel horrible for not thinking of her while we were wrestling. How coudl I do that!!!!!!! ERG!!!!! Then I coudlnt' take the guilt anymore so I started to go around the house cleaining and picked up all his clothes which made him laught at me even more. I was humiliated, but I just kept my mind clear of his bantering. I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror and saw that I had a few bruises on my arms. and a lump was forming above my eye from when he shoved me face into our ironing board that was hanging up on our door. I just snapped last night. I was so angry!!!!! I think it was my fault for not being the bigger person and just walking away. I'm thinking to myself "why did I let him get to me" After we had calmed down and he had to go to work. He started to be around me more again and touching my butt when he would walk by, he grabbed my cheeks and kissed me. I felt discusted and it took EVERYTHING I had not to start pushing him away from me like before. but I managed to stay calm and just ignore it. He finally left and I was so exausted and begining to feel the bruises forming that I fell asleep. He called this morning like as if nothing had happened and asked if I was still angry at him and he made a comment "oh i'm surprised that you are still there, I thought that you would have left." Yeah well........... Now he just wants to communicate and go on like if nothing happpend. I can't do that...not just yet. But I really need to get my anger under control right?? Sorry if this was long and all over the place.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2005
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 12:25pm

Hi Elm,
First of all, hugest ((hugs)) for what you're going through. I just wanted to tell you that you shouldn't feel guilty for getting angry.During pregnancy your hormones are flying all over the place,and that's completely normal.No,it's not good for you to be so upset in your conditon but,it's HIS fault for getting you so upset! What kind of man would treat his pregnant wife this way?? I would pack his belongings while he's at work,put them outside and change the locks.You shouldn't be under this kind of stress.

Nikki

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 12:38pm
okay, definately huge, huge (((hugs))) to you and your babies and please, please do not feel guilt over becoming angry because it is normal to have emotions not just when pregnant but when we know we are being treated cruelly and unfairly - of course we react, and I can tell by your post that you struggled with your anger. It actually reminded me a lot of myself because when my xh would start in on me I would clean like crazy to maintain my control but you know it doesnt always work once we are pushed so far. I remember on one occasion throwing a plate at a wall and another a plastic bowl (never at him just at the wall) in utter frustration adn then the horrible way I felt after. So I know how it feels but you need to trust me that it is normal...don't bury your emotions because they help us survive.
HAve you been in contact wiht the DV shelter? Are you aware of any resources in your community to help you with leaving or at least counselling? My babies were 4 and 18 months when I left and now they are happy, healthy 7 and 3.5 and I am divorced and live in peace.
HTH,
Lisa
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 12:49pm
I have to be honest, I am afraid for you. Yes, you have to think about your baby (PLEASE THINK ABOUT THAT) but don't blame yourself for fighting back. Please get help ASAP! I'll be thinking and praying for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 11:34am

You're not a bad mother. It's important to keep your children in mind, however. Do you want your son to grow up thinking it is OK to hit people, especially pregnant women? And how will you be there for your children if he seriously hurts or kills you?

Every one of these situations operates on its own timetable, and it may simply be that you are not ready to leave yet. However, if this incident proves nothing else, it proves that he's not going to change or get better. It is up to you as to what you do with that information.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2006
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 1:29pm
I kind of went through the same thing last night. He has been pushing me and pushing me lately that I feel like a bomb ready to explode any minute. We ended up in a wrestling match last night. I have recently had surgery on my foot so the whole time I'm trying to protect it. He always goes for the wrist so of course I had bruises this morning. I know how you're feeling. It makes you feel guilty after everything calms down. Especially when kids are involved. But when someone keeps trying to over power you there is only so much you can take. My husband always takes the phone from me too. He'll say I paid for that so that is mine! He always leaves me stuck at home when we're fighting too! Last night after I started defending my self I felt guilty because I didn't know if I'm doing right for defending myself or adding fuel to the fire. Instead of him acting like everythings fine the next day, he'll ignore me for days until I pretended nothing ever happened. Sometimes I think thats another form of control. I think the guilt you're feeling is normal but it's not your fault it's the way they try to program your mind. Your message didn't only send out for help but helped me too!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2006
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 1:52pm
I was going to reply to you post but I got caught up at work. You know I can relate to your post as well. That's how it started with him and I. He used to "play fight" with me. But it just got rougher and rougher that i ended up with bruises and I would have tears rolling down my eyes. Cause I mean men are stronger. SO I would just go with it, but after a while I started telling him that I didn't like it, and that's when he started getting these attitudes with me and pushing me around and calling me names. Yeah my husband is always trying to take back the things that he gave me cause "he payed for them" I am getting so SICK of hearing that!!! Not that I have much from him, cuase he barely gives me anything cause he blows his money on himself. Yup me too, leaves me at home all the time!!! We barely go out anymore. When we are fighting he always just storms out and leaves me at home, and believe me I blow up so bad!!!!!! I have thrown things, pulled at my hair, cried, yelled....cause I get so angry!!!!! When is it enough!!!!!! Thanks for relating with me. it's nice to know someone else is experiencing the same thing. and that you're not alone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2006
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 6:30pm
you know what you shouldn't feel guilty about defending yourself. He is a grown a** man. and he should no better to be doing that while your pregnat. Men that hit women are cowards. Just be strong when your tired of it you'll leave

Loving Mother to Josue and Wife to Sergio