I had a very "good" bad day yesterday

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
I had a very "good" bad day yesterday
2
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 5:32pm
I had a very rough evening on Monday. I felt like I have tried and tried and tried and I'm never going to get through *this* (I guess I mean recover from my abusive upbringing and be - "normal" <--lol) and that it's never going to be over and that I just can't figure it out. I felt so tired of trying. I really wanted to give up. I was sick to death of trying to find the answers.

I didn't sleep at all Monday night, but decided to go to work Tuesday morning (at the greenhouse) anyway because I felt it would be better than staying at home - probably in bed under the covers.

I didn't feel like conversing with anyone, but I felt I was civil when someone did speak to me. I made it to lunchtime and then lost it. I went out to my car and literally cried for a half hour. I didn't eat my lunch and decided that I needed to go home.

I went back into the greenhouse and was met at the door by the owners wife (the two of them work there daily). As I told her I felt I needed to go home I broke into uncontrollable tears once again. She asked me to sit down and we talked for almost an hour.

I told her I knew I was going to have a bad day, but that I felt I was better off to try and come to work, but that this was as much as I can handle and I wanted to go home. I apologized for being diffucult to work around, but that I was dealing with some very difficult things. I told her I was seeing a DV counselor and was going to start with a sexual abuse counselor this week.

To my surprise, she told me she was GLAD that I decided to come to work!? And that if I wanted to go home that was perfectly OK. She was completely understanding, even listened as I explained a little bit about what domestic violence is all about. She thought it was a matter of someone not being able to control their temper and had no idea about the power and control issue. I told her how I felt about some things, feelings that I didn't want anyone to know about. I revealed some things that I now realize I was hiding and holding on to very tightly so know one would know how I felt.

She said some very positive things to me about working there. That if I was going through a difficult time, the greenhouse is a great place to be because of all the beautiful flowers. She told me she was very glad that I came back in and talked to her (when I got home the greenhouse # was on my caller ID, evidently they didn't know I was sitting out in my car). And I went home feeling better, a bit relieved, and glad to be able to go home.

I realize now that I have made a new discovery. That I have stumbled upon the very thing that on Monday night I thought I was never going to find. And that is a situation where someone accepted me - problems and all, someone who was glad I was there dispite the fact that I was struggling emotionally. Someone who, even after I told them some things that I wanted no one to know (out of fear of being laughed at or having it used against me), told me she was GLAD I had come to work!

It got to be almost 2PM and I still hadn't eaten lunch, so I took myself out to lunch. As I sat there eating, I kept thinking "This is very strange. This is just very strange indeed." I basically feel like I admit to my boss that I'm a loser, I go home because I am an emotional wreck, yet she tells me she's glad I came to work anyway and now I'm treating myself to a good lunch. Hmmmmm, what's "wrong" with this picture? NOT A FRICKIN' THING IS THERE?!?!?!

These are very strange times indeed. I feel as though I am turning another corner. I think there is a saying that goes something like "When you think the signpost will never appear, that's when it's near". I should probably give "The Balancing Act" credit for that line.

Joyce, who is peaking cautiously around the next corner.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Hi J. I firmly believe at moments in our life that are to be a turning point,or stepping up on that ladder of growth,lessons learned,or change...there stands a person who has been planted there by the powers that be to help with that turning point.She herself may not evenr realize it,but she was there at that given moment,said the right thing from her heart I might add,that gave to you what you needed to unveil,to recieve,and to grow from.It's happened to me too many times,not to believe it.

I like this woman's believe as well...for my healing moments,my moments back to what I need comes from my own gardens of flowers.She knows her stuff.(grin)secondly,she is of value in the heart/mind to recognize you for you,not what has been done to you.She accepts YOU,J...not the warts that you 'see' due to all that has been done to you.She's a good person.

I have one thing to offer in the way of advice.It took a lifetime of what you've gone through to be where you're at now.During that time,J.much was done to you,wrongly,and each thing has molded you,shaped you though of course that is not your fault.These things are the very thing you're trying to undo,to get to the core of you now with the answers,the healing you want and seek from those answers.It took all that time of abuse to be here today as the J. that you are now,it takes time to undo it,to peel it all away,to find the J. you want to be,adult blended with that lost,wounded lil girl.Be patient.The answers do not,cannot all come in short time span,though Heaven knows how I understand your need,your desire to get through it all,to have it all in the clear,and healing.Pushing it all too hard,too fast will be nearly impossible without more damage,and confusion as well.Just my thoughts,J.Major hugs on finding the acceptance of you for just being you.I remember how that felt.My best to you.

Avatar for zippity_dee
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Your post is an inspiration for everyone that gets caught up in the affects of abuse. That feeling of worthlessness. The feeling that you deserve the bad treatment. The feeling that you do NOT deserve compliments, compassion, or concern from others. You have taken such a huge step by realizing that others see in you what you right now what you are having a hard time relalizing. You are worthy. You are special. You DO have people out in the "skinworld" that will support and validate that specialness in addition to those of us here in the "cyber-supportworld". I smiled when I read your closing remarks...keep looking around the corners. There are good things around each bend if we only open ourselves to finding them. Hugs ~Dee!