I had a very "good" bad day yesterday
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|Wed, 03-26-2003 - 5:32pm|
I didn't sleep at all Monday night, but decided to go to work Tuesday morning (at the greenhouse) anyway because I felt it would be better than staying at home - probably in bed under the covers.
I didn't feel like conversing with anyone, but I felt I was civil when someone did speak to me. I made it to lunchtime and then lost it. I went out to my car and literally cried for a half hour. I didn't eat my lunch and decided that I needed to go home.
I went back into the greenhouse and was met at the door by the owners wife (the two of them work there daily). As I told her I felt I needed to go home I broke into uncontrollable tears once again. She asked me to sit down and we talked for almost an hour.
I told her I knew I was going to have a bad day, but that I felt I was better off to try and come to work, but that this was as much as I can handle and I wanted to go home. I apologized for being diffucult to work around, but that I was dealing with some very difficult things. I told her I was seeing a DV counselor and was going to start with a sexual abuse counselor this week.
To my surprise, she told me she was GLAD that I decided to come to work!? And that if I wanted to go home that was perfectly OK. She was completely understanding, even listened as I explained a little bit about what domestic violence is all about. She thought it was a matter of someone not being able to control their temper and had no idea about the power and control issue. I told her how I felt about some things, feelings that I didn't want anyone to know about. I revealed some things that I now realize I was hiding and holding on to very tightly so know one would know how I felt.
She said some very positive things to me about working there. That if I was going through a difficult time, the greenhouse is a great place to be because of all the beautiful flowers. She told me she was very glad that I came back in and talked to her (when I got home the greenhouse # was on my caller ID, evidently they didn't know I was sitting out in my car). And I went home feeling better, a bit relieved, and glad to be able to go home.
I realize now that I have made a new discovery. That I have stumbled upon the very thing that on Monday night I thought I was never going to find. And that is a situation where someone accepted me - problems and all, someone who was glad I was there dispite the fact that I was struggling emotionally. Someone who, even after I told them some things that I wanted no one to know (out of fear of being laughed at or having it used against me), told me she was GLAD I had come to work!
It got to be almost 2PM and I still hadn't eaten lunch, so I took myself out to lunch. As I sat there eating, I kept thinking "This is very strange. This is just very strange indeed." I basically feel like I admit to my boss that I'm a loser, I go home because I am an emotional wreck, yet she tells me she's glad I came to work anyway and now I'm treating myself to a good lunch. Hmmmmm, what's "wrong" with this picture? NOT A FRICKIN' THING IS THERE?!?!?!
These are very strange times indeed. I feel as though I am turning another corner. I think there is a saying that goes something like "When you think the signpost will never appear, that's when it's near". I should probably give "The Balancing Act" credit for that line.
Joyce, who is peaking cautiously around the next corner.