i hardly know where to start

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
i hardly know where to start
3
Sun, 05-14-2006 - 5:15am

I can't believe I am actually posting a message. I have been reading the other posts here for a while .i have been married for almost 9 years. I got married when I was 17 years old to my first real boyfriend. I came from a very disfunctional family.(alcoholic dad very violent toward bipolar mother) I am sure you can imagine how bad that got.
I always said that I would never put up with someone hitting me but it just kinda creeps in w/out you realizing it.
Anyway I got married and moved 2000 miles from home {husband was in army} and things were fine for awhile. I admit that I am not with out fault. From the start I did some irresponsible things like misbalancing the checkbook, paying bills late, I was also very insecure and jealous. i could not have been very easy to put up with. the first incident was during an argument he pushed me and i fell backwards on a tile floor. My head hit really hard and i think it scared him too. things were ok for a while after that we still argued but nothing major. Then a few years later after the birth of our first child I had just come home from the hospital and was very tired. He asked me to order food from a resturaunt. when he got back and realized I hadnt he threw something at me.I felt that the first time I had provoked it but that time it was from out of nowhere. fast forward another 5 years and another child later. He is a wonder ful father. I am much more responsible now. We both love our children very much but our relationship is pitiful. I will admit my part of the problems but he says it is all my fault. He says i am worthless, stupid, that I was raised by a pack of idiots,He tells me if I dont like it i should just kill myself, he threatens to hit me if I do not shut up. i have said some mean things to him too, and I really should learn when to keep my mouth shut but there are also times when I just do not see it coming. He gave me a blackeye once with a coffee cup because I was in the kitchen and he wanted me to go up stairs with him and I didnt want to. He grabs my breasts and makes rude comments to me because he knows it makes me angry . And then he will act completely nice and ask me why I am moping around or acting like a B.
I have never even hinted about this to anyone. My family, his family, our friends all think that every thing is fine. Everyone in my family tells me how proud they are of us and it is all a big sham. I am at the point where I know that something has to change. I do not want a divorce but I also do not want our children in this kind of enviroment. Then there is the worry in my mind that I am a hopeless loser and I couldnt do anything on my own. I do not really have a specific question but any feedback is welcome. I just felt like I had to get this off my chest.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Sun, 05-14-2006 - 5:42pm

Lurker,

First of all you didn't pick you parents. Everyone at some point questions, their own genetic pool at times. Trust me I could tell you stories about my dad and his family that would make you shutter. The best we can do is see the mistakes learn from them and try to do better because of it.

You got married at 17. 17 year olds are insecure and irresponsible. That's why we don't allow them to be adults and make adult decisions. My stepdaughter was a real piston at 17 and I'm hoping boys are easier when he hits the teenage hell on earth years. You were just being a 17 year old.

Your husband has crossed the line with hitting you. If he was that mad then leave and talk about it later or breathe or walk away. Hitting the person you swore to God to love and honor is just wrong on any level. No one deserves to be treated in that maner. Think about it you wouldn't treat a dog the way he treated you.

Abuse is a never ending mind bending crazymaking stressful cycle where you always feel like there's an issue between you both, but you can't put your finger on it or deal with it and move on.

I also guarantee you are a much different person than the 17 year old who chose this man for a mate. You have probably grown apart on some levels and matured into two different people.

Only you can make the call to leave or not. I'm sure though either way you'll make the right decision for your children.

Lastly, be careful if he's still in the army and you need emergency help. The military is not very good in DV situations and can do more damage than good.

-Jennifer

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Sun, 05-14-2006 - 8:14pm

I'm glad you delurked, long.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Sun, 05-14-2006 - 10:21pm
Welcome! It sounds to me like you are just starting your journey, so my first recommendation is just to keep reading and posting. We've all BTDT in one capacity or another, believe me!
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