I have a ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2006
I have a ?
7
Sat, 10-07-2006 - 11:00pm

1. Is withholding affection, attention & sex a form of abuse?
2. Is making threats like ( if you dont do what i want i will leave) abuse?
3. Not outright saying but making someone feel like they are stupid or crazy regularly abuse?
4. If your H tells you that your a discrase to your family or someone in the family says things like( even your father said you have a big mouth and dont know when to shut up)
5. If your H tells you that ( if we split up i will move to another state and the kids will never see me again).
6. if your H has a cold or gets hurt and you just try to make him laugh because he's in a bad mood because of whats hurting him and he tells you that when he's sick or hurt just to stay out of his way and leave him alone and then you wind up arguing for 2 days over the "kind act" that you tried to do.
7. If your H will laugh and joke with any of your kids or family members but when it comes to you he's busy or just acts tight lipped.?
8. If your H constantly says to you (cant you get that through your thick head)

I've read about the most well known forms of abouse these are some of the things i deal with that i havent seen posted. Plz let me know.. Thanks.. Dolphin_Min

Dolphin_Min
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2006
In reply to: dolphin_min
Sun, 10-08-2006 - 12:01am
This is emotional abuse for sure. I know because I go through it. They say that emotional abuse can be worse than physical abuse. In any case it is ABUSE! I am just learning all this myself. Don't let anyone take your self worth from you. Don't believe any of that stuff you hear from him. I feel bad for you because I know how bad that stuff hurts. Be strong and good luck! God Bless.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2006
In reply to: dolphin_min
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 12:06pm

yes, yes, yes that is all a form of abuse.

Lauren is always recommending that people get the book by Lundy Bancroft "Why does he do that". I bought it over the weekend and it is without a doubt the best 15$ I have ever spent! Two chapters, and I wanted to stand and yell "this is it! This is what I have been dealing with for 16 years and it has a name. That name is abuse! And I don't deserve the abuse!" I still have a long road to recovery but it absolutely helps to have the validation that it is not me.

Read the posts here. You will find many similarities with the rest of us. And remember, we will always be here to listen.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
In reply to: dolphin_min
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 12:34pm

1. Is withholding affection, attention & sex a form of abuse?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2006
In reply to: dolphin_min
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 12:53pm

Thank you all for your replies. It feels a little better to know that i'm not crazy and that what he says and does isnt my fault somehow.

I have been dealing with this stuff since i was a kid and i dont know any other way of living but it all hurts bad. I feel like there is no way i could make it on my own even if i can pay the bills. I cant deside on things for myself. I dont want the kids to hate me if we split and H moves far away. Plus the feeling of never finding someone else or finding someone worse. Being alone the rest of my life. I dont know what to do.

I feel bad about my bad mouthing him cause there are men that are much worse like being physical abuse, drugs, drinking ect and he doesnt do any of that cause his father was a drunk. But he did pick up all the bad ways his father acted to his mother.

Dolphin_Min
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2006
In reply to: dolphin_min
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 1:14pm

Let me tell you my story (very quickly).

My H is an attorney making 6 figures, we live in the burbs and I live in a million+ kind of house. My H has spent the last 16 years successfully making me feel like I'm some Sh@# stuck to his shoe that needs to be scraped off. That is abuse. Just because he never actually hit me (he just would get in my face and threaten) doesn't diminish the damage.

Don't judge your life but what you think others will perseve. Even though you don't have bruises to show for your experience does not mean you haven't been abused. Could it be worse? Why should it matter - it was bad enough! Society is not so understanding of abuse and especially emotional abuse. You don't have to live that way!

The prospect of living alone was terrifying until I got a taste of how my life could be. Now I know what I must do. I come to these boards to read the stories to keep me strong and moving forward. When I told my neighbor that I was leaving my H and looking for a small house for me and the kids she remarked that things must be bad considering what I was giving up. You know what - she was right! Things are bad but there is hope. As Scarlett said "Tomarrow is another day"

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2006
In reply to: dolphin_min
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 6:05pm
Thank You so much! It has helped tremendously to get all this feedback. I am going to go see if I can find that book right now. I also scheduled a therapy session and am looking forward to that. I think I am finally getting somewhere though because he is in the part of the cycle today where he wants to take me to dinner, he doesn't want to fight anymore....etc...you know all that crap, and instead me thinking, "good, we are going to finally work on this"...I don't believe him this time nor do I want to fall in to that trap again. I am going to continue checking out this message board, communicating with all you awesome people and go to therapy and see where that all brings me. Thank you so much again. LoriAnn
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
In reply to: dolphin_min
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 9:31pm

Hi Dolphin-Min :o)

I totally agree with what everyone else posted to you.

There are definitley some signs of abuse in your post. I found it really hard to say what my abuser did was abuse. At times he wasn't abusive and other times he was. But that is how abusers work. They can't be mean all the time.. they need to take us on the rollercoaster ride up and down to make us feel like we're the crazy ones.

Keep on posting... we are all here for you
Hugs. Lauren

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