I Have News!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
I Have News!!
15
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 8:26am
WOW, so many new names here! For those of you who remember me, please know that even tho I am not here on a daily basis anymore that I think of each and everyone of you on this board all of the time and keep you in my prayers always. For the new faces here, I was a CL here previously and even before that I was on this board for a very long time for the same reason as everyone else, because I was in a horribly abusive relationship. One that took away so much of my heart and soul that I truly thought I was forever emotionally destroyed. I hope everyone of you here understands that abuse is abuse, no matter what form it takes, whether it be physical, emotional, verbal, sexual, or any other kind. Mine was a mixture of verbal, emotional, physical, and financial, by a very intelligent, cruel, sinister, calculating, AND popular, charismatic man. Every form of abuse leaves behind the same devastation and every form of it is wrong......always. It is NEVER your fault, altho that is one of the main tactics of an abuser, to blame his victim and make her feel guilty or constantly doubt herself.....To keep her unsteady and slightly off her feet, to make sure her head is always confused and filled with self doubt, and finally, to destroy her sense of self worth so that he is finally in total control. Abuse is a process that takes hold of you over a period of time through conditioning tactics until bit by bit it destroys your ability to see things clearly. This board and these wonderful CL'S here will help you find the path back to the clarity you need to understand that you do not deserve this abuse, that you absolutely deserve your freedom, that you cannot change an abuser, and then from there they will provide you with the logistics of how to set things in motion for yourself and your children if you have any, so that you can find that freedom in a safe manner.

That said, let me get on with my news. I left my abuser twice, the second being the final time and that was over three years ago now. I took some much needed time to myself for almost 18 months so that I could heal before even trying to think of dating or being social again. I gave God a list of what I wanted in a man altho even while composing the list I never, ever, ever, EVER believed I would EVER allow myself to trust or date another man again. I had reconciled myself to a life alone, thinking the most I might ever be able to do at some far off point in the future would be to maybe be friends with someone just for the sake of being social and having things to do. But back to the list; when I made it this time I left all the drama/chemistry bad boy macho traits off the list. Once you have come through an abusive relationship your priorities and what you find attractive definitely changes. The love/lust junkie part of me finally grew up.I needed peace and safety with someone kind, honest, gentle, and sincere. I can only tell you that after 18 months of self imposed solitude God found me someone who met all the criteria on that list down to the last detail, even surpassing it to the highest degree, and after almost 18 months of being together we have decided to get married!!! Those of you who know me well, know that this is a HUGE step for me, because I was truly the one who thought she would never be able to trust anyone enough again to even go out with them, much less remarry. But this man is different. He will be the same man 10 years from now that he is today, and I know that because he has been the same man all his life that he is now. His accomplishments in life as well as business have always been the kind of accomplishments that are only achieved with a dedicated and sincere heart. I have left no stone unturned. I have searched into his past with both personal relationships and professional ones and he has always conducted himself with honor, integrity, and sincerity in all his relationships, no matter how big or small. He is the one people turn to when they want something done right, when they want honesty and sincerity, and when they are looking for someone who understands what loyalty really means. He applies the same to our relationship and simply blows me away. He loves me and he loves Chloe with a true and loyal love........and she thinks he is GOD. LOL Seriously, I think she loves him more than me! We are first in his life and in his heart. I could go on and on, so I had better stop now. I do want to tell you all that in the beginning of this relationship I almost missed the boat because I felt like there was something missing.........I couldn't figure out what it was but then it hit me, it was the DRAMA. There wasn't any! Our relationship was the same every day, no surprises, no extreme highs or bottomed out lows, it was just simply kind and loving and respectful every day. Believe it or not it took me awhile to grow accustomed to that, because for all the other things that an abusive relationship is, it is also certainly never dull. An abuser is usually a charmer who when not being abusive can at times make you feel special, set apart, and wonderful. He is usually a man of high passion and drama in everything he does. He is usually well liked and many people who don't see him behind closed doors simply see his intensity and maybe even his temper as a sign of being determined or a leader, a take charge, opinionated, driven type of guy! You can be made to feel like if you ever left him it is you whom people would blame, because nobody sees the abuse but you. He can even make you feel like the abuse is because he loves you so much. If he is overly jealous to the point he becomes verbally or physically abusive it will always be blamed on you, and the fact that he must love you so much or find you so appealing that he would be that jealous can become a trap in itself. In reality jealousy has nothing to do with love, but when our minds are fogged over with the conditioning of abuse, we are unable to fully understand that. If he is abusive in other ways it is always drilled into your head that if only you hadn't done this or that, hadn't said this or that, or were better and more deserving of him in some way then those things wouldn't happen to you.......it will NEVER be his fault and always be your fault, at least that is what he will tell you.......until you leave or threaten to leave and then he may do one of two things, he may either continue to be vindictive and mean to make your life and freedom hell and almost impossible to carry off, or he may suddenly cry and beg and swear to change. None of this is sincere......the only sincere thing about it is he will sincerly do anything he has to do to regain control. That's one of the reasons I had to take time to myself to heal. I knew I wanted to get my own head clear and learn who I really was/wanted to be, before I even tried to share my life or time with someone else.

Ok, I have rambled enough. I simply came here to share my happiness with all of you, maybe give someone or everyone here a little hope in knowing there really is happiness after abuse, and to say that JILL, I concede......Ok Ok girlfriend, you were right, there really ARE still good men out there!! LOL I am happy, I am peaceful, I am getting married in November to a tender, awesome man, and we are going on a honeymoon cruise to the Caribbean!!

One other thing I want to mention here because it is so special to me is this: My ex had money, but he controlled all of it......both his and mine. Before I met him I was a very independent girl, but I lost ALL of that somewhere in the constant, slow conditioning of abuse. At one point when he was trying to control me even more financially because he knew I had leaving on my mind, I couldn't even pay my own bills and had to go pawn my most cherished possession, my Mom's diamond wedding band. It was my Mom's 2nd set, her first had worn through, so when I was 9 yrs. old My Dad took me with him to pick the new ones out. It was such a special day, I felt so grown up and important to be helping with this task! I can still see in my mind my Daddy and I walking down that city sidewalk, my Daddy's big hand holding my little hand as we walked into the jewelry store to pick out new rings for my Mom. The rings were so beautiful and my Dad went all out on this set, it was a big one! My Mom was SO proud of those rings and they were the closest thing to her heart until the day she died, and at that time she gave me the diamond wedding band and my sister the engagement ring. So you can see, to have to pawn that ring broke my heart. Now, 3 years later, my wonderful fiance had been bugging me for months to call and check at the pawn shop to see if my ring was still there. I kept promising I would, but I never did. I was too afraid to make that call. I couldn't bear to hear the man tell me that he had sold my ring. So a couple of weeks ago my fiance took matters into his own hands, loaded me up and drove me back to the city I lived in with my ex to check on that ring and believe it or not after 3 years it was still there! As it turns out, my DV counselor from 3 years before knew the owners of the pawn shop and had called them way back then and asked them to please put that ring back somewhere, explained the circumstances under which it was pawned, and told them that she just knew that I would be back someday to get it. So he and his wife had put my ring in a drawer in the back of their shop. My fiance bought my ring back for me that day and we are going to use it as part of our own wedding rings! I love him for that, and that is the best example I can give you of him and who he is. What he did that day is the typical way he treats me in everything we do on a daily basis. I have been truly blessed and I want everyone here to know that there is a wonderful, interesting, fun, and important life to be had beyond the abuse. If you can't leave now, then leave as soon as you can. Don't ever stop dreaming or planning your freedom or your future. It is truly yours for the taking and life is waiting for you!

Love to you all!

Jeepster

p.s. when we get back I will add wedding and honeymoon pics to my website and post here so you all can see them!

p.s.s. Mindspeak, wherever you are I LOVE YOU and think of you all of the time. I pray that your health is ok and that Mr. Mindspeak is doing well, too!!! Please don't ever fail to know that who I am today and being able to get through to the other side is largely because of you.

p.s.s.s. Sweetdreams, I miss ya girl!!! I know your new job has kept you extremely busy and I hope you are doing great!!

http://pages.ivillage.com/jeepgirl_2

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
In reply to: jeepgirl_2
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 12:42pm

Jeep, it's not fair of you to make start bawling at my desk!

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2003
In reply to: jeepgirl_2
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 5:40pm
Jeeps, I only have a minute but had to respond to this post.

Peace and hugs,

Cheryl =)

The minute you settle for less than you

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2004
In reply to: jeepgirl_2
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 8:29pm
Hi I am new here I usually post on Co-dependents. But I have to thank you for the most hopeful incredible story! WOW! It's been a month since breaking up with my abuser and even though he's dating he is not letting go of me. Part of me is not letting go either, partly because fear of the unknown but your story has given me hope. Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
In reply to: jeepgirl_2
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 9:12pm
Jeepster, words cannot begin to convey how happy, thrilled and excited I am for you.

Mama Harmony

Avatar for ples62
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: jeepgirl_2
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 9:31pm
Jeepster!!!

Oh my gosh - I am so glad you posted. I think of you often as you are the one that patiently told me over and over and over that if I thought it was abuse it was. It's been a couple years for me - think skulled! But I get it. I think (I hope) I'm close to doing something for me. Well, I did do something for me. I also own a jeep, a 2003 Wrangler - I LOVE IT!! I wanted to go to Camp Jeep in VA and I DID!! Unfortunately dh went also. I, we, had a good time. I would have done stuff differently had I been alone without him, but I'm happy with what I did do.

Now, I must step up to the plate, take responsibility for me, and do something more permanent.

I am SO VERY HAPPY for you!!! This guy sounds like a winner. And you are a lesson to us all to take the much needed time for ourselves once we leave an abuser before looking for another relationship. The first relationship we must work on is the one with ourselves. Then everything else will fall into place.

Thanks for posting and updating. I can't wait to see the wedding pics!!!

((((((((((((jeepster)))))))))))))

Pam

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: jeepgirl_2
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 9:53pm
Hi Jeep! Wow, today is the first time I come to this board in... well I can't even remember how long. But it's great to have been right on time see your fantastic news. It's always so wonderful to hear of someone getting the happiness they deserve. :)

Just a couple of weeks ago, E sent me an email -- it's been over a year and a half since he tried to contact me last -- it said simply 'I'm Sorry'. He probably capitalized the 'Sorry' thinking I would read into it al crazy like I probably would have once upon a time. I can't believe the lunatic is still thinking about me after all this time.

Anyway, congratulations and I wish you all the happiness in the world :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
In reply to: jeepgirl_2
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 12:16am
I've just read your post and bawled my eyes out. I need to print your post, if you don't mind, and read it everyday. Everything you said is so true. I'm so happy you found love. And you're so right....once you've been through this, you look for someone who's kind, compassionate, understanding, and they don't have to look like Superman.

The story of the ring.....on my gosh! My heart yearns for the confort of my dad who's no longer of this earth. It was a beautiful story. They say girls choose husbands that are in many ways like their dad. I don't know what happened to me. Yet, I've found an emotional attachment to somebody that reminds me of my dad that my heart aches everyday. It's a two-way attraction that I need to get rid of before I go insane.

And everybody just thinks my H is such a nice guy. Oh, it just makes me sick because I won't lower myself to bad mouth him. I'm not that kind. So I do feel like everybody does sit back and look at me like I was the one that left and why!

Good luck to you. You are an inspiration! I just wish I was in a better mood to be inspired.

Happy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
In reply to: jeepgirl_2
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 10:29pm

JEEPS!!!!!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: jeepgirl_2
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 11:17pm
Jeepgirl! Wow! I am sooooo happy for you. I am so glad you took the time to write here. It offers so much hope to know where you came from and where you're at today. Thanks for the first part of your posting to remind us all what abuse truly is. I do remember the days when you first left. And your days as CL, also. You have been an awesome part of this board. You deserve the very best. Keep us posted, please. You, Chloe and your fiancee have my best wishes.

Love,

Kathy
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2004
In reply to: jeepgirl_2
Sun, 07-25-2004 - 9:07pm
Jeepster,even though this is days late responding to this message,I'm hoping that you will somehow see it,maybe either yourself lurking,or someone else that remembers me,the connection to you,this board and is still in touch with you will let you know that I have posted to you for it is important that I let you know the significance of your post on my personal level.

I'm breaking my silence,and my own personal vow that I would not be posting after my goodbye post,because your post became significant to me for a couple reasons.It's taken this long to be able to get this posted for some of those reasons,however,one being I am typing it one handed due to completely having displaced myright hand(dominate) hand from my wrist and still not having function even now since the surgery.Will explain later.

Jeepster,I would never have seen this post,nor knew about the new pathway of joy,living and totally having found,Jeepster as you have,had it not been for a fluke,but yet,I gather it is one of those things that I cannot explain that happens to me,and was meant for that moment,and even now be a 'guiding light'of the lighthouse for me personally.That's not to say you have not wandered the halls of my mind,you have,along with many others that I have so often wondered,and cared about.

I cannot express in words all that I felt when I did read your post,but I will express that it was one of beauty,and true hope.I can also tell you that I truly am as much as I can be...happy for you Jeepster.Your very essence,your life,and your future is now one of the right path and will be honored,respected,and filled with true living by you,yourself(first) and also the man with whom recognized it as well.

Your post offers so much to those who are still in abuse,still not 'believing' it can and would happen for them,but yet...it does,it can,and would if only they believe.It is a true survivor story,one that I remember well of your journey,the many aspects,facets,and hurdles...in all the ways you dealt with.

I am also relieved.Relieved for you,your future,and that of beautiful precious Chloe.God bless you both.

Now,for the reason your post was meant for me to read.I don't come to this board,nor to the village anymore.Too painful for too many reasons,yet on the day of your posting I hit the bookmark of that which was this board that had been on my computer for all these years..only as a gateway into the village for a board I desperately hoped to reach.I was though as this loaded,trying not to see,to read,yet your nic bopped me.I did not click on went to the place I meant to try to get the courage for,and couldn't,full of too much,I could not,so I nearly clicked off the site.I finally broke down,read your post.Your personal message within your post to me,touched me,and put me back for a moment out of the darkness that I have been in for a while now.Thank you.

My health is so challenging...to some maybe they would say ye gads,it can't get no worse,(prove that one wrong with every turn now it seems)others might would feel hopeful against odds.I don't know what others would see,or think,or walk away with if they knew it all and I don't now know for sure of what I have brought to others just by me being me...except that I know while I have gained some things,I have lost some other things that I don't know what will become of me due to some things...won some battles(the leukemia,the tumors,I am in remission on all those now,though the brain is blimping worse now due that battle)The multiple sclerosis..it is a brute,and is changing again.Still skin and bones,now being accused of being anorexic again,but I don't think so,but yes,I can see and do worry about it becoming that possiblity.Geesh,you know,as if these things would not take the zest out of eating,or even the ability of gaining weight.Surgery Feb..due to new lump,this time breast...success on it. Then May I fell having lost my balance (dang multiple sclerosis)in my yard,falling backward trying to stay upright as not to strike my head on the concrete walkway.Didn't hit my head,but landed upright,full force,and broke my tailbone,reinjured my knee due to not having time to postion the knee cap to compensate the sudden jerk of it that was nearly destroyed years ago from the injury,and completely displaced my right hand from my wrist.I was alone when I fell.Kept passing out,crawling on my back,one footed,one handed,(What a sight I must have made)to the front porch to get cell phone.Finally managed to reach 911,but passed out.I finally got the help I needed,and was transported to ER.Few days later,I had surgery after they were able to stabilize me.My wrist,if not for skin,muscle,tendons...would be as if it had been completely severed.I have struggled deeply with this one,it is my dominate hand,it has taken so much from me,and I do not know yet the full recovery use it will be.I cannot do the simplist things,least of all know when or if I can paint/draw,play my piano,quilt,ect.Oh and came out of all that with a new diagnosis..osteroporosis on a severe level.That's just the physical side of it...the me,the emotional,the psychological,well that's another thing.

I turned 50 on July 12.Only one person wished me happy birthday.Mr. Mindspeak.Do you have any idea how it feels to be hitting that landmark,to have overcome all that I have,and to know that only one person gives joy of the celebration of me?I have lost all or that which I thought were friends and of course I would never have counted family(mine)but I used to believe I had Mr.Mindspeaks.The last one friend I had in this world,being Jim(remember Amigo?)that is his previous owner,he and his lifepartner became my only friends in the real world to join that of the cybor that I thought I had gained.We had even started a business adventure together the week before my accident,I had been with him,his partner Kenneth still doing things as friends,ect as well, that week up until that day of my fall been helping him open up one of his houses(he has 4)in order to move for the G-8 summit.His main home is on the island and he was afraid of the possiblitly of danger(terrorist) during that time.Anywhooo..something happened that weekend after my hospitalization.He turned on me,started shutting me out.Didn't understand,but hey.,..dang used to by now.His partner said it had do to with the fact that Jim's brother death in April from MS and the fact that Jim's own cancer had returned just brogught out something in him concerning me and my own battles.His partner says Jim will pull out of his funk and undo the distance between us.Trouble is...I don't think I want it now.I'm so far sick of people letting me down and I'm so far down as a result of this,that and much of plenty.You know?

July 19th was Mr.Mindspeak and Mine's anniversary.I asked him for a divorce 2 days before the anniversary.I have tried so deperately to push him away from me.No.Not due to all the reasons people would,it is because I love him and the depth of that mutual love.The destruction and pain that I cannot allow to enter it or him.His family has turned on me,him and it is because of their own hearts not being of what they say.But once again,as with too many people in my lifetime"I am the ''cause""They use the excuse that I am a hinderance and have caused too much trouble.Trouble being only that I as his mother once said about me,reminded her of Julia Sugarbaker(designing women)(Of which you know was her polite way of saying I was too outspoken,strong minded,and willed,) also because of me constantly having health problems that Mr.Mindspeak wouldn't travel out there to visit,or go to their 50th anniversary,or whatever.His parents,his three sisters,and the whole clan that was bred from them...is punishing me,him,ect.Crapola,The pain from them has been beyond words,for in them,I believed I was loved,accepted and finally found a family.I have kicked myself for wanting that for so much,that I didn't see past the facade into the realness of them.You know I don't have it with my own family,so this was so very important to finally have in my lifetime.The psychological damage of them,of the continuation of the battles to keep alive,to be me without the loss of me,and the dropping me as friends,the loss of anyone caring other than a pricetag from me,aloneness of me in this world,of me being a 'burden',nor 'worthy' has caused me hosting tea parties with 'old friends'....sips with Ms.Bitterness,Ms.Anger,Lady in Waiting Loss of self worth,and Princess Low self esteem,and even to the Queen of Darkness.Crappy attempt of trying to find my humor,so lost,or hidden that one is.Geesh.The Mindspeak that I truly am,that would battle these visits and the aftermath of these tea parties in Julia Sugarbaker own words would raise the cup"To all that wishes us well,and those who don't can go to hell.." Fell into a nasty,negative pattern to where I couldn't find me to do that.

Anyway,Mr. Mindspeak is battling me against the rebellion of me declaring no more for him,for us,of course he is,...and of course my heart is just a mess.So,I am being an alien to him,one who he probably would never have trying to push him out the door so as not to bring this burden to him anymore.If I was in the right frame of mind,had my sense of humor,it would be quite comical at it all.Yet,it's not.I love him so deeply and I know that we were,and are what dreams are made of...I lived mine.I know the realness.I know the life free of abuse...and I know the beating of all odds.I have lived my dream,and I had found me through it all.Yet no more.I cannot do this to him,to our love,to our lives.and now I find that I am so lost,and just so worn down to the point that I once again was crying out and no one listening.So I came to the crisis center to post,to reach out,and just have that link to pull me out of darkness in my life once more.I couldn't do it.I couldn't post it.What would people think,huh?The one who drove it into thousands who passed through this board,self worth,self everything,dream it,and one day live it.Would it damage someone?Would seeing me admitting to be worn down to this level,damage?And then too the oher flipside was the nasty whisper...would someone gleefully clap their hands and cheer at my loss?Or worse...would anyone give a rats butt one way or another.Pride...that dang witch is still hovering in me.But I did read your post,and knew...someone loved me,not 'if',but 'because',no conditions,no obligations,nor stipulations,just because I was me,Mindspeak,and I was still remembered of value for having known me.It was enough to help me reach on up another rung toward the light for that moment,and helped me make it to this day that I am posting to you.For that,I owe you,and I hope that you will be blessed in a magnificant way.

Now,that I have spilled my guts,and displayed myself in such a raw,naked way and hey..I guess that is still Mindspeak's way..I shall leave,but please know,I love you too,(Chloe as well)as I do many who I have no clue about now.And I am grateful for you,your life,and your posting that touched me.I hope so much for you.your new love,your new journey you are about to take...together,and with Chloe.God bless.My best to you.

Pages