I Have News!!
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| Wed, 07-21-2004 - 8:26am |
That said, let me get on with my news. I left my abuser twice, the second being the final time and that was over three years ago now. I took some much needed time to myself for almost 18 months so that I could heal before even trying to think of dating or being social again. I gave God a list of what I wanted in a man altho even while composing the list I never, ever, ever, EVER believed I would EVER allow myself to trust or date another man again. I had reconciled myself to a life alone, thinking the most I might ever be able to do at some far off point in the future would be to maybe be friends with someone just for the sake of being social and having things to do. But back to the list; when I made it this time I left all the drama/chemistry bad boy macho traits off the list. Once you have come through an abusive relationship your priorities and what you find attractive definitely changes. The love/lust junkie part of me finally grew up.I needed peace and safety with someone kind, honest, gentle, and sincere. I can only tell you that after 18 months of self imposed solitude God found me someone who met all the criteria on that list down to the last detail, even surpassing it to the highest degree, and after almost 18 months of being together we have decided to get married!!! Those of you who know me well, know that this is a HUGE step for me, because I was truly the one who thought she would never be able to trust anyone enough again to even go out with them, much less remarry. But this man is different. He will be the same man 10 years from now that he is today, and I know that because he has been the same man all his life that he is now. His accomplishments in life as well as business have always been the kind of accomplishments that are only achieved with a dedicated and sincere heart. I have left no stone unturned. I have searched into his past with both personal relationships and professional ones and he has always conducted himself with honor, integrity, and sincerity in all his relationships, no matter how big or small. He is the one people turn to when they want something done right, when they want honesty and sincerity, and when they are looking for someone who understands what loyalty really means. He applies the same to our relationship and simply blows me away. He loves me and he loves Chloe with a true and loyal love........and she thinks he is GOD. LOL Seriously, I think she loves him more than me! We are first in his life and in his heart. I could go on and on, so I had better stop now. I do want to tell you all that in the beginning of this relationship I almost missed the boat because I felt like there was something missing.........I couldn't figure out what it was but then it hit me, it was the DRAMA. There wasn't any! Our relationship was the same every day, no surprises, no extreme highs or bottomed out lows, it was just simply kind and loving and respectful every day. Believe it or not it took me awhile to grow accustomed to that, because for all the other things that an abusive relationship is, it is also certainly never dull. An abuser is usually a charmer who when not being abusive can at times make you feel special, set apart, and wonderful. He is usually a man of high passion and drama in everything he does. He is usually well liked and many people who don't see him behind closed doors simply see his intensity and maybe even his temper as a sign of being determined or a leader, a take charge, opinionated, driven type of guy! You can be made to feel like if you ever left him it is you whom people would blame, because nobody sees the abuse but you. He can even make you feel like the abuse is because he loves you so much. If he is overly jealous to the point he becomes verbally or physically abusive it will always be blamed on you, and the fact that he must love you so much or find you so appealing that he would be that jealous can become a trap in itself. In reality jealousy has nothing to do with love, but when our minds are fogged over with the conditioning of abuse, we are unable to fully understand that. If he is abusive in other ways it is always drilled into your head that if only you hadn't done this or that, hadn't said this or that, or were better and more deserving of him in some way then those things wouldn't happen to you.......it will NEVER be his fault and always be your fault, at least that is what he will tell you.......until you leave or threaten to leave and then he may do one of two things, he may either continue to be vindictive and mean to make your life and freedom hell and almost impossible to carry off, or he may suddenly cry and beg and swear to change. None of this is sincere......the only sincere thing about it is he will sincerly do anything he has to do to regain control. That's one of the reasons I had to take time to myself to heal. I knew I wanted to get my own head clear and learn who I really was/wanted to be, before I even tried to share my life or time with someone else.
Ok, I have rambled enough. I simply came here to share my happiness with all of you, maybe give someone or everyone here a little hope in knowing there really is happiness after abuse, and to say that JILL, I concede......Ok Ok girlfriend, you were right, there really ARE still good men out there!! LOL I am happy, I am peaceful, I am getting married in November to a tender, awesome man, and we are going on a honeymoon cruise to the Caribbean!!
One other thing I want to mention here because it is so special to me is this: My ex had money, but he controlled all of it......both his and mine. Before I met him I was a very independent girl, but I lost ALL of that somewhere in the constant, slow conditioning of abuse. At one point when he was trying to control me even more financially because he knew I had leaving on my mind, I couldn't even pay my own bills and had to go pawn my most cherished possession, my Mom's diamond wedding band. It was my Mom's 2nd set, her first had worn through, so when I was 9 yrs. old My Dad took me with him to pick the new ones out. It was such a special day, I felt so grown up and important to be helping with this task! I can still see in my mind my Daddy and I walking down that city sidewalk, my Daddy's big hand holding my little hand as we walked into the jewelry store to pick out new rings for my Mom. The rings were so beautiful and my Dad went all out on this set, it was a big one! My Mom was SO proud of those rings and they were the closest thing to her heart until the day she died, and at that time she gave me the diamond wedding band and my sister the engagement ring. So you can see, to have to pawn that ring broke my heart. Now, 3 years later, my wonderful fiance had been bugging me for months to call and check at the pawn shop to see if my ring was still there. I kept promising I would, but I never did. I was too afraid to make that call. I couldn't bear to hear the man tell me that he had sold my ring. So a couple of weeks ago my fiance took matters into his own hands, loaded me up and drove me back to the city I lived in with my ex to check on that ring and believe it or not after 3 years it was still there! As it turns out, my DV counselor from 3 years before knew the owners of the pawn shop and had called them way back then and asked them to please put that ring back somewhere, explained the circumstances under which it was pawned, and told them that she just knew that I would be back someday to get it. So he and his wife had put my ring in a drawer in the back of their shop. My fiance bought my ring back for me that day and we are going to use it as part of our own wedding rings! I love him for that, and that is the best example I can give you of him and who he is. What he did that day is the typical way he treats me in everything we do on a daily basis. I have been truly blessed and I want everyone here to know that there is a wonderful, interesting, fun, and important life to be had beyond the abuse. If you can't leave now, then leave as soon as you can. Don't ever stop dreaming or planning your freedom or your future. It is truly yours for the taking and life is waiting for you!
Love to you all!
Jeepster
p.s. when we get back I will add wedding and honeymoon pics to my website and post here so you all can see them!
p.s.s. Mindspeak, wherever you are I LOVE YOU and think of you all of the time. I pray that your health is ok and that Mr. Mindspeak is doing well, too!!! Please don't ever fail to know that who I am today and being able to get through to the other side is largely because of you.
p.s.s.s. Sweetdreams, I miss ya girl!!! I know your new job has kept you extremely busy and I hope you are doing great!!

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again, congrats on your engagement and i wish you the absolute BEST of everything.
tamara
My mouth dropped open when you spoke of asking Mr. Mindspeak for a divorce and pushing him away to *save* him. I SO totally understand and can relate to the reasons behind that, but you know of course that Mr. Mindspeak isn't going anywhere and so if you continue to push him away you will subject him to exactly what you are trying to save him from........an enormous amount of pain. He is there for you because he loves you and like the line from Moulin Rouge; Sometimes the greatest thing is just to love, and BE LOVED in return.
I'm glad you found your way back to this board and whether it seems so or not, I know that there are an enormous amount of women here whom you have helped more than you may ever realize. You have been an inspiration to so many people and you deserve so much more in life than the ill health that you continously have to deal with on a daily basis.
I want you to know that my fiance would be *Mindspeak Approved*. LOL! I made sure he passed all the Mindspeak tests and more before making this decision. You would adore him. He is a true old fashioned man of honor. He opens my car doors, (something I am not used to...... In fact I am usually always half way out by the time he makes it around to my side so we have a standing bet going as to how fast he is going to have to run around the car to make it to my door handle before I can open it)he has total respect for me and is quite simply put, a True Gentleman. He is a christian, and a man who believes in and honors marriage. He is gentle beyond belief, yet he is a very successful business man. I have never even heard him raise his voice. Naturally, the most important thing of all is that he has a real and true love for Chloe. He spends quality time with us, and he buys tickets to take her to all the children's concerts and shows, circus, etc. and he goes along with us and has as much fun as she/we do. Talk about a switch! We are going to start a college fund for her soon and we can't wait to watch her grow up. I really cannot believe how blessed I am today and I promise you that the biggest perecentage of the reason I am is because of you and Jill and this board.
Please take care and please know that no matter how long it is between posts from either of us that I always think of you and will always keep you in my prayers. If you wander around this way again mid to late December I should have the wedding pics posted by then, too.
Smiles and Love,
Jeepster
The reasons we stay can be many; loss of self esteem, addiction to the drama, fear of making it on our own, true fear of our abuser, fear of the unknown, etc. etc. There was a saying (my favorite at the time I was trying to stay free) that I used to post on here sometimes when I was a CL that goes something like this: Sometimes the pain of the familiar is preferable to the fear of the unknown. You may not like how you live right now, but at least you know what to expect from it. If you step out on your own you are free falling. You can't see into the future and sometimes that can be scary. There is also a lot more we lose besides our abusers. Many of us, myself included, had to walk away from homes we loved, neighbors, lifestyles we had grown accustomed to, animals we loved dearly......our whole sense of who we are had to change for us to break free. That is never an easy thing.
My suggestion to you would be to find a DV counselor and start going to see her once a week at least. It's usually free through your local DV center and nobody even has to know. I went and it helped me tremendously. The best thing I ever did was march myself into that counselors office and the other best thing I did was to stay glued to this board. Hang in there and don't give up. It took me twice to stay gone for good, and even then it was a very difficult journey to remain free. I was tempted to go back many times, but I am so glad I stuck it out because today you couldn't get me to even dream of going anywhere near my ex-abuser.
Stay here with these wonderul ladies on this board and you will be ok. It also helps to read anything you can get your hands on concerning abuse/jealousy/controlling behavior. Continue to saturate yourself with the truth and when the time is right you will be able to free yourself.
HUGS!!
Love You All!
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