I have a question or two

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
I have a question or two
21
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 1:18pm
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year.In November he hit me in the face while he was drunk. In January he bruised my arms up from grabbing me really hard. About 3 weeks ago when we were going to sleep we argued and he bit my face. my friends thought it was a hickey(?) but it was from him biting me. I am a young professional/college-graduate who has been treated well by all but 2 boyfriends. I left the first one after a 3 year relationship by moving 6 hours away. Now I live near family. I love my boyfriend very much and was hoping to settle down. I have common sense but it feels like Im hopeless. Is it too late for us, for me? Im scared but I care deeply for him. can we get help together? alcohol may be a factor--we both go out from time to time. but lately he gets mad very easily when we are just laying in bed talking or on the phone...is he insecure or jealous? both? I need to know what to do. last night he didnt want me to talk to my sister so he threw a pillow in my face and kicked my behind. i have never ever felt this way i just cringe inside and cry but im scared to let him know. i feel ridiculous and helpless. I live in a small town and i need some help.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 1:24pm
Welcome to my world.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 1:47pm

Hi redturtle and welcome -


Was he drunk when he bit you?

CL-Blueliner4

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 2:25pm
Hugs redturtlegirl and welcome to the boards. Wishful and blue gave you great advice, I hope you do research this board's homepage and seek the help you will need to get back to a happier life. If there is a shelter network in your town or you might find on on campus as many colleges have a woman's resource center, seeking their help will open many doors to resources available to you. Shelters offer many resources besides a safe haven and they are there for us in times like these.

Just to share a bit of my experience with a chemically dependent abuser, mine was alchohol/cocaine, it will not get better. Although the alchohol is a chemical dependency the abuse is not. Abuse is a concious decision to obtain power and control over another. Alot of abusers blame the alchohol for the abuse but in truth it is the excuse they use to cover their behaviour.

Even after going through rehab for 60 days, my abuser went back to drinking within 3 months post rehab, the abuse started only about a week after they got home. So thinking that you can help him see the err in his ways is not only futile but dangerous as abusers do not like anyone confronting them about their authority.

The love you feel, we all felt. It is one of the ways they catch us in the first place. We fall in love with this great person, all goes well until they know that we would follow them anywhere. They keep us within their grasp by saying how they love us, we take that for fact when it's only an empty promise. You will have to see past your love for him to find the help you will need. It will be hard at first but the longer you are away from the abuse, the clearer you will see how deeply he has effected you. Also do not place blame on yourself for not seeing him for what he is sooner. They make sure we don't see their true selves until well into a relationship.

You are no longer alone in all of this no matter how small your town. You have found a wonderful community of caring people here and I hope we can help you find happiness again.

So welcome and I hope you post, ask and vent here whenever you want too!

Hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 3:53pm
Thank you to everyone for listening to me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 4:15pm
fIRST ((HUGS)) TO YOU. Second, take a look at the home page and begin gathering all the info you can and that will help you see what he is doing. I never realized what my stbx was doing was abuse either and when I started reading it all came together. I am out 1 week and a day and I feel great. No one calls me names noone threatens me and I do not need to fear going home anymore. You need to read and start finding ways to help yourself. Can you tell your family what is happening? Call the local shelter to perhaps talk to someone. I did that at first. We just talked and it helped so much. Take the time to read the posts here and you will find your feelings reflected in many of our stories. I know I did and it made me stronger knowing others understand. He cannot treat you that way and do not let him use drinking as an excuse - it is not. Stay strong and keep us posted.
Avatar for azmommy35
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 6:36pm
Hello and Welcome to the Board. I am very sorry that you are living through this hell and that your world feels like it is caving in around you. Boy, do I remember THAt feeling well. To answer your questions, is it too late for you? NO WAY. For him? Yes, honey, I'm afraid it is. Can you get help together? No, I'm afraid not. You see, your boyfriend is a classic abuser and he will NEVER be well. I say the word never and I do know that it is a strong word. I also know that I am using it properly when I speak to you about your bfriends ability to change. There is MUCH written on this topic and as the others have suggested, the homepage is an excellent place to start. It might interest you to know that I am also a professional woman, have a college degree, graduated with honors, married an attorney and lived a very mid/upper class life. The only problem with my fairy tale world was that I was being abused -- emotionally, legally, psychologically and physically. I will say that your story worries me only in that he has gotten so progressively more violent SO quickly. This is a REAL danger sign. It took my DX nearly 7 years to get to a point of physical assault where I truly beleived my life was in danger. I am certain that if I had stayed I would have been seriously injured....or worse. Beleive me, I LOVED this man too -- I had known him my whole life, he was my high school sweetheart and the Father of my young girls (5 and 15 months at the time). I was POSITIVE that we could "make it", get well, have a positive life together -- I was hell-bent on it. So, he started counseling, and we tried separations and of-course there were promises and pacts and flowers and cards and gifts and proclamations of love and tears and more counseling and couples counseling and then medication for his depression, on and on, year after year....until thyat fateful day. The day he unleashed his violence against me directly in front of my 5 yo daughter. In that immediate moment, there was no doubt in my mind that my marriage was over, that he would never change and that, like it or not, I was going to make a decision that would forever change me and my daughter's lives. Thank goodness I did. Was it easy? Oh my gosh....NO!~ It was the most difficult moments (year) of my life, hands down...but it is in THESE moments that allow you to truly grow as a person and every tear I shed was worth it 100 times over (and then again). NO ONE deserves to be treated the way you have been treated. NO ONE. What a pathetic animal to have bitten you -- what a LOSER. I felt ridiculous too, afraid, ashamed, horrified -- shocked and mostly just numb. Why me? Why you? That I can't answer, but I will tell you this. Your boyfriend CHOOSES to do what he does each and every time. It's not the alcohol, or you, or his job, or his depression or his childhood or anything else (despite what he says) that makes him abuse. He is truly "sick" in his thinking and no matter how much help he receives, ones implicit thought process cannot be changed. You have heard the others discuss power and control. This is at the very core of his malfunctioned brain. You can stay and try to make it work, but you will slowly lose more and more of yourself in the process and the assaults will grow ever more increasingly worse. Two words: RUN FAST. And, don't look back. Use this board as the sturdy support system that it is, make a plan and execute your departure from this abuser. You deserve SO much more out of life than what you're getting. ~~~gentle hugs and post as often as you need or wish
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 6:46pm

Excellent post, AZmommy!


CL-Blueliner4

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Registered: 01-27-2004
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 8:25pm
run redturtlegirl run!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 9:53pm
Oh Azmommy, your post was so beautiful to me!! I was raised in that upper middle class bubble, my H is an attorney, we are struggling a bit right now, but financially, I know we are lucky, overall. I don't have my degree, (was very close, oh well...) and I am now enrolled in college again, to finish! What a wonderful feeling....I know, it is awful, and it is exacerbated by the fact that people who don't really KNOW what we go through, they think we have such a great life! (Including some old friends of mine, and relatives, who don't KNOW what my daily life is like, they really think I've got it "good") My H loves to brag to his buddies about our marriage, etc.....HA, is all I have to say, lol. I alternate between wishing that H will just *finally* grow up, and stop being so hideous, so I can at least live with him without misery (a fairy tale, I know)....or hoping in some sick part of my mind that he would do something so over the top that I would HAVE to leave. He attacked me violently last March, so it has been almost a year, but of course, I do not feel completely safe, how could I? BTW, my H is also seeing a psychiatrist, on meds for depression and add, and honestly, it really has helped....HOWEVER...it has not, and will never, help enough. I truly see that, I am just trying to lay all the groundwork, to take care of me and my toddler properly. Thank you for writing this, it was very inspirational for me to read this tonight!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2003
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 12:31am
What a beautiful post, azmommy.

Peace and hugs,

Cheryl =)

The minute you settle for less than you

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