I have a serious question ....
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| Sat, 04-08-2006 - 12:50pm |
so the H and I went out last night ...we took our youngest daughter (other two were at my moms spendint the night ) and we went to a nice resturant with some friends ...then we nt back to their place ...and just hung around for awhile ....
evertime my H walked out of the room ,my friends would tell me how lucky I am to have someone to love me so much (these are the friends who know MOST of the things he has done )
they were telling me how much he cried and how distraught he was when we were apart...that women would hit on him and actually try to kiss hm etc ..and he told them to leave him alone bc he loved his wife ..and wasnt interested ....and that he was never unfaithful..or said anything bad about me at all ...one of his friends that I met for the first time last night told me "its nice to finally meet you ,you are all he talks about ,he really loves you very much ,you better hang on to him "
are these people crazy ??? or is it ME ??? COULD he POSSIBLY truly love me ??? I mean I was under the impression that *LOVE* was about respect ,trust ,actually caring about the other persons happiness ,no matter if it involves you (which he SAYS he does ,but hasnt proved)
love is about caring about how the other person feels ..and making them happy ..with or without you ..
I think back to all the times that I was sick ( and this has really been bugging me latley ) it takes ALOT for me to get sick ,,,so when I am ,you better believe I am deathly ill....I could have 105 temp,and I was being a baby ,never really said that but I got the feeling that he was annoyed that I was sick ,and though I was over reacting ,sure he would clean the housde ,take care of the kids ,but it got old and he became annoyed after a day or two....and "are you ever going to get out of the bed ???/ " I remember always praying that he would catch the same thing I had so i could prove to him that I was really really sick...
bottom line ..I WILL NOT spend the rest of my life with someone who doesnt love me ...I WANT and DESERVE love ...He swears up and down that he loves me more than anything ..and that he would never be happy with another woman ...I know that he *THINKS * that he loves me ...maybe he just doesnt know how to love ? could he possibly love me ????? what do you think???

Hon, you have gotta bear in mind how good these guys are at snowing other people. These friends have no clue of what he is like at home, because he doesn't want them to have a clue. All my friends and family, though they will swear this never happened now, thought Loony was the bee's knees. He came off as urbane, charming, witty, right until the second they all walked out the door. Heck, my in-laws STILL take the side of my SIL's abuser, because he has them convinced that he never did anything to her. Up to and including the stuff they SAW. He is just that good at acting slick and telling people what they want to hear. And he is not at all the first one who has managed to convince his victim's family of this. It has been in the past few DAYS that I've posted to someone here who had this happen also, and she wasn't the first either.
Does he love you? He probably thinks he does. However, love, in his mind, is synonymous with power and control. I can tell that deep down you know that that is not what love really is. Can he be fixed? Maybe, IF he admits that HE is the problem and goes through with counseling and admits to what he has done. However, he hasn't yet demonstrated a willingness to do that, and I'm not optimistic that he will.
My point is, the word of others is completely worthless when it comes to an abuser, because they see what the abuser wants them to see and nothing else. It's not their fault, but they just do not have any grasp of what he's really capable of. So basically, what they have to say is completely irrelevant to your situation, and should be treated as such.
And think about this- "you are all he talks about?" Is that healthy, to be all a man talks about? I don't find that loving, I find that obsessive. That was what Loony did too, and this degenerated into the same man who screamed "You're going to give birth to my children whether you want to or not!" Obsession is not love, though I have no doubt that he confuses the two.
I'll say it again, we are not here to tell you to stay or go. Many, many women take quite a few tries before successfully leaving their abuser for good, and there's no shame in being one of them. However, it's time to stop trying to find explanations for his behavior, because there are none. He does what he does because he wants to, and there are no excuses. And, barring a miracle, he is not going to stop. What you do with that knowledge is up to you, but those are the sad facts of the matter. :(