I have to tell somebody...
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| Mon, 01-17-2005 - 11:50am |
I am so confused, but I have to get this off my chest or I am going to bust. My Husband and I have been married for 6 months and together for 3 years. He first hit me after we had been together for only 8 months, I never told anyone but his family, I didn't fight back either. Aftere that the abuse continue for about 6 months strong occurring maybe once a month. Then it stopped, he was sorry and claimed he had changed. Me being the forgiving person I am accepted him and we moved on. The abuse stopped for about a year and a half so we decided to get married, things were good.
But, then 2 weeks before our wedding we had a big fight, he beat me once again, never leaving any physical marks but choking, slapping, pushing and punching until I am sore. I have never called the police, not because I am scared of what he will do but because I don't want to see him in jail or prison, he has already had enough run ins with the law in the past. Since we havd been married we have had 3 incidents of abuse. One time I called his mother and she came and got him out of the house. His family only knows because he has hit me in front of his brothers but other than that no one knows. My family thinks he is the greatest. But I have a different opinion.
I love my husband with all my heart, he is my only friend, other than his temper and striking me, he is perfect. I feel so comfortable around him. He accepts me for who I am and supports me in all I do. I look up to him because he has had a hard life and has seem to make the best of it, despite his past.
Lately, things have been ok he has been a little irritable sometimes but I know when he is not in a good mood to stay clear. My problem is that I do not feel like I thought abuse women would feel. I am not scare of him, I don't hate him and I do not want a divorce, I just want him stop hitting me. I feel like if I don't put my hands on you then you should never put your hands on me. His opinion of the situation is that I provoke him. I do yell back at him and at times I agree I can say some hurtful things. But I only use those things as a weapon just as he uses his fist.
The abuse usually starts as a results of him doing something disrespectful like staying out late, I confront him, then the agrument turns into a large shouting match calling each other names and then when I say something he can't handle he turns voilent. I just don't know what to do. I have tried asking him to leave to try and show him I will not stand for it. He leaves stays at his mothers for about 3 or 4 days then he is begging to come home. He is sorry and we work out a plan to stop the abuse. We both agree its a problem and have discussed it several times (we commicate well when both are calm) We have a plan that when either party feels the disagreement getting too heated we will leave but lately his way of telling me he is mad is by telling me to shut up and if I don't hitting me, not leaving.
After we got married and things start going well for a while, we discussed having a baby, which we both really want. So we have been trying for the past few months but after the last few days I don't want to bring a child into this world under these circumstances. I am so torn, should I leave this man or give him a chance to change. I have gave up so much for him. I orginally joined this site for support in trying to concieve, funny how things change so quick, Now I'm posted my first discussion about being abused. This is all so weird to me. How can I be so happy one minute and completely confused the next
The lastest incident happened last night. He cooked dinner with my help and invited his 2 brothers over for dinner and to watch a football game. All went well until his team lost. After the game we decided to watch a movie, he couldn't get the DVD player hooked up and was totally frustrated, plus still upset because his team lost. I offered a suggestion to help him get it hooked up right and he snapped at me I snapped back the disagreement turn into an agrument and before you know it he struck me in the face with a closed fist, in front of everyone. I was furious, I ran into the bathroom and just crying still shouting at him, his brothers held him back from getting to me. I left for about 30 minutes, when I returned they were all sitting around watching the movie like nothing happened, laughing joking, while I am hurting inside. I just ignore hime all night until his company left.
I asked him to leave but this time he refused I asked him to sleep on the couch but he also refused. Then I went into the bedroom, locked the door and went to bed. He stayed in the other room for a while, then picked the lock and climbed in the bed, I still ignored him amd acted like he wasn't even there. He called me at work this morning but I just can't bring myself to have a normal conversation, so I told him I don't want to talk. What am I to do? I always told myself I would never be in a abusive relationship with anyone and never understood why the women who were just didn't leave? Now I am that woman and I am so confused and I have no one to talk to....
Sorry so long, but thanks for listening.
Renae

Thanks so much for the support and the advice. I just needed to vent and I am glad I found this board. I tip my hat to you, iv skorpio for having the courage to leave. I am not there yet, for some reason I feel like I need to give this marriage a try since its only been six months but then again another part of me is tired, frustrated and yearns to be happy again!
Why me?
Whatever you do, don't have a baby with this man. It will get worse, you will get to a point when you can't take it anymore. Last few years of my marriage he became extremely violent, a few incidents when I got hurt pretty bad.
He also became abusive in a different way, he started having affairs with women and flaunting it in my face. Didn't even try to hide it. I'd be at work and he'd be out with my kids and another woman, going out to eat, taking her and the kids to amusement parks, having the woman come to our home while I was at work (kids were home). Him putting the kids in the middle of that mess was why I finally left, not the physical abuse.
Now I have 2 kids by this man, and he is an abusive EX husband, just in a different way, if you have read my posts. I'll be tied to him for a long time because we have kids together.