I hit him first, is it my fault?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2005
I hit him first, is it my fault?
1
Sat, 03-25-2006 - 2:04pm

I shouldn't even be posting here. I tell myself over and over, your stronger than this!!! Well if I am, why am I putting up with this? Then my 2 children's faces pop up in my head & the next one in my tummy moves.

Me and my childrens father have been together since 2002, we seperated in 2005 because of trust issues. 2005 was a very hard year for me, being a single mother of 2 kids in my own apartment just barely affording the rent. Thanksgiving & Christmas brought back the good times we had together as a family and we both decided to try it again for the kids in 2006. We both knew it was going to be hard work especially since his friends and family are against it and he himself is still resentful for why we were seperated in the first place - trust issues. To make a long story short, one day he decided to call it quits between us and told me and the kids we had to leave. He actually wrote out an eviction notice. So during the 30 days I had to move my stuff out I searched and searched for an aparment with the kids and I with my boxes by the door. We were not sleeping together, as a matter of fact he was doing what he wanted and I was doing what I wanted. I found comfort in the arms of another man and he found out about it which caused the seperation.

Now he's resentful, bitter, mean and cruel when he wants to be. He takes out a lot of that resentment by disrespecting me verbally saying "im a b*tch, a whore, no man is gonna want me with 2 kids, you got bad credit, you wanted me back i didnt want you back, you only here cuz you have no were else to go, your a loser, your nothing etc etc." I applaud myself because I take it like a pro. But I know any professional would say something is wrong with me myself if I allow someone to talk to me like that no matter what I did to them. He can't get over what I did to him although during the seperation he slept with someone else a week after he was intimate with me. He doesn't think its the same thing, but I do. I remember the pain I was in when I found out he had moved on just like he found out I had moved on to someone also. But he can't get over it.

So this morning things escalated into an argument when I found out that he was hiding things from me based off of that resentment. He was text messaging the woman he was seeing during our seperation. He says he can do whatever he wants in this relationship because I hurt him over a year ago. Even though we agreed those things wouldn't be allowed. When I disagreed things got more hot and he went back to the same spiel about me being a b*tch a loser etc etc and he said i needed to make an appointment for an abortion because he'd be damned if I have his 3rd child. Thats when I smacked him in his face. He backhanded me in my face, threw me on the floor, i punched him in his balls, and he kicked me in my back over and over until I just decided to lay there & cry. This is the FIRST TIME he has ever put his hands on me! I am shocked at how quick it all happened and how Im getting over it so easily too?! I'm not crying anymore, I'm not packing my things ready to go stay with a relative or a shelter, I didnt even call the cops. Its like I expected it or sense its normal behavior for him to act like that and hit me back since I hit him first. The verbal abuse I've been suffering finally gave me enough reason to physically abuse him. He just got in his truck and left and that was 4 hours ago and I dont think he'll be back. If he does come back, I wrote him a letter explaining how I feel because I think the last thing he wants to do is talk to me right now. If he tells me to leave I have no choice but to leave, but then again Im back to the same scenario I went through in 2005. This should be a peice of cake for any man to get over. Love IS HARD WORK...what the hell are you whining about something that happened almost 2 years ago?? I know for sure he needs some sort of counseling on that alone. He holds grudges like no one I've ever known. Whereas I am the forgiving type. Am I angry that we physically fought? No. Im disappointed & saddened that this may be what it takes to say - we aren't meant to be together. So how do couples who are together 20 plus years stay together? I just want him to give a damn. For the children. If you dont love me, love the children. I know how a child without a father grows up to be (im the product of it) and I do not want my children to be that way.

I know the relationship needs help, because he's emotionally scarred by what I did to him and Im emotionally scarred by how he treats me because of what I did to him. We spoke about getting counseling when we first got back together but just didnt follow through. Would help even work? Im trying to look at all options because we just got back together and I never seen this sort of behavior from him. The kids just became comfortable to moving back in and having their father around all the time, and to have them move right back out with me struggling on my own with another one on the way just doesn't seem right.

I appreciate the time anyone took to read this. Your insight is greatly appreciated.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Sat, 03-25-2006 - 7:34pm

There is a difference between slapping someone out of frustration that they said something appalling, which is what you did, and administering a beating, which is what he did. The former, while not the best idea, is not the product of an abuser's mentality, but of frustration; the latter is completely inexcusable. So no, it's not your fault. Your reaction wasn't picture perfect, but if someone told me to have an abortion for their convenience, I doubt I'd spend any great amount of time mulling over what I "should" do either!

Right now, what you have to do is put aside who was, or wasn't, at fault for what, and start thinking of your children. Do you want them to grow up thinking that this kind of treatment is what they deserve, or, God forbid, dishing it out themselves? If not, it's time for you to leave him. Use the window of opportunity that his being gone leaves. Either change the locks and move his things out, or leave yourselves.

Check out our board website, accessible through the links at the top of our page, for tips on how best to leave. Also check out www.womenslaw.org for tips as to the legalities of your situation- can you kick him out if his name is on the lease, what to do if the police need to be involved, etc. In most states, the *primary* aggressor is the one to be arrested, and that would be the guy who dished out the hours of verbal abuse and topped it off with a beating; however, you may have to find a way of explaining the slap to police, because you can bet that your abuser will be standing on his head to twist it into something it isn't.

Best of luck, and keep reading and posting. Do let us know how things work out.

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